Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (also known as KANK, which aptly sounds like a sexually transmitted disease) starts with a sporty intro of successful footballer Dev Saran, in a game where the commentators cannot stop making dick jokes.
Without warning, we are then panned to Preity Zinta's ass. Yup. That is literally how they introduce her in KANK – ass-first. Her name is Rhea (more like REAR-a, amirite?).
Rhea is inside a fashion publication office for an interview. She's a few questions away from becoming the editor. What better way to introduce a successful female journalist than showcasing her behind? Let's make her ASSistant editor just for the joke.
"Hi, I'm Rhea. Rear-y nice to meet you."
Not a single word is uttered by Rhea because I guess the booty meat says enough. All we see is intensely judgmental, envious stares from people around her.
The camera then enters the house of party boy Rishi Talwar (Abhishek Bachchan), who seems to have just gotten done with the wildest orgy of his life.
Oh, I'm sorry, did I mention this is the morning of his wedding? I'm not saying this an inappropriate bachelor party for a man about to marry a woman, but there are four dudes in the second frame above and no women.
The wedding is in an hour and this dude reeks of sweat and an existential crisis right now. Like hell Maya is going to kill you.
Oh, and about Maya: She's the girl Rishi is going to marry today. Of course, Maya gets a face intro and not a butt intro because she's that sweet, sad traditional girl who is in her place. Look, she's cleaning!
Vah. Now that's what you call a sanskaari brown girl. Wedding in an hour and still cleaning the mirror. Not like stupid Rhea, with a stupid successful career and a pink skirt from hell and an ungodly sense of independence and ambition. Chhi.
Anyway, you can tell that Maya is totes not feelin' this whole wedding thing.
So. Getting back to the D.
Dev Saran has just scored a goal, leading his team to victory, and he's very, very, very excited about it.
And if you still don't believe he's fucking elated, just look at that nipple.
I mean it could cut through glass.
Meanwhile, perfect groom Rishi dresses up for the wedding and makes his way to his dad's room.
Papa, it turns out, is an even sleazier bag of sleaze than his son could ever be.
Daddy ji loves Rishi double-time because Rishi's mom died #RIP. And you know these two are really fucking cool because they only call each other "dude."
We find out that Rhea and Dev are married but have little time for each other. Rhea couldn't go to Dev's game so Dev is being the biggest douchebag in the universe ever.
I get that Rhea should've gone to the game but, hey, job opportunity, hello? Dev actually went as far as asking "Are you jealous because I make more than you?" in this conversation, by the way. It was their anniversary and he forgot that too so fuck this guy.
Dev's mum runs a food catering service and is providing the omnomnomz for Maya and Rishi's wedding, where Rishi's sexually depraved dad is OBVIOUSLY hitting on her.
After Rishi's dad is done macking on her, Dev comes to pick mom up. He meets the bride and they just open up about everything because you should only tell secrets to total and complete strangers that you've just met.
Obeying the rules of Bollywood, Maya has to marry Rishi because his asshole dad is entitled to it.
Dev totally hates this stupid girl who lives in her dreams and wants to wait and marry the love of her life. He tells her to STFU and get married. On the walk out, Dev is about to flick gum at her house gate for revenge when...
Hazards of littering:
FOUR YEARS LATER...
Dev can no longer walk properly, and so he can't play football anymore. He works as a football coach for kids and, if it's even possible, is now an even bigger asshole than before.
Frankly, I don't blame him. His child is a piece of shit on the football field and also in life.
Can you blame Dev for being mad at this wimpy, Chicken Little looking motherfucker?
I MEAN HE HAS THE BEAK AND EVERYTHING.
Kid, I get your non-violent approach towards life but even Mahatma Gandhi would kick that fucking ball, Arjun, you piece-of-shit proficient ruiner of everything great.
Meanwhile, Rhea has done a stellar job as a fashion editor, which doesn't matter to her boss because the only raise he's going to give her is in his pants. Dude is macking on Rhea non-stop.
Rishi and Maya are childless and their relationship is not as great as it could've been if they had just remained friends.
Rishi likes to party; Maya likes to clean.
Rishi likes sex; Maya likes to clean.
Rishi actually loves Maya but Maya would choose the vacuum cleaner over him any day.
One day, Chicken Little decides to get lost at the airport because he was born with a passion to never let things run smoothly. Maya thinks Dev is a kidnapper trying to abduct Arjun and Dev thinks she's a kidnapper when she tries to save him. Long story short, they both end up at the hospital.
And I don't know what the brilliant fuck happens to Dev because he suddenly turns into the shadiest, snarkiest Bitch King the world has ever seen. Like, one would think he invested the last four years in training to be a spiteful bitchola nightmare.
Presenting Dev 'Bitch King' Saran:
Rhea and Rishi also meet at the hospital and instantly become friends over shared miseries.
They all dance at parties together etc, and Maya and Dev start meeting often.
One day they see their Rishi's dad and Dev's mum hugging.
The discovery that men and women can ACTUALLY be just friends, a revolutionary concept to Bollywood as a whole, completely baffles Dev and Maya. They decide to use this brand new tactic called friendship to help each other.
Dev and Maya are now on a mission to save their respective marriages with each other's help. By being friends who talk about their sex lives in unnerving detail, compliment and sexually touch each other every chance they get, and flirt with each other on the daily, they are trying to salvage their respective marriages.
They also discuss each other's flaws and how to correct them. All of these flaws are sexual also. Yup.
Assboob was all Dev focused on when Maya asked about her flaws. He also spanked her playfully because that's appropriate. Now Dev could have pointed out that Maya's problem is she isn't a fun party-goer but nope, assboob is much more important than for a woman to have a personality.
Then Maya trains Dev to please Rhea. From what I've seen in the film so far, all Rhea wants is a little bit of respect, empathy and emotional support from Dev, who is an ISO certified asshole to her.
But no. According to Maya, a massage will solve everything. Great excuse to touch your friend, yay!
Of course, a surefire way to please a husband who hates it when you talk is to dress up like a dominatrix. Because, let's face it, the most control you will ever get in your terrible, destructive, unhealthy relationship is under the sheets.
Both fail of course because these two suck at everything.
To get over the walking, talking embarrassments that these two are, they go to a football match together, where they both realise (over a song, of course) that they have fallen in love silently because why am I even watching this predictable film OMFG.
During this song, we also see Maya's hypocrisy. She found those dominatrix corsets "slutty" earlier, but hey it's all about your intentions I guess.
Where is her whip?
They try to make things special for their wedding anniversaries, but both anniversaries end up in fights because Dev's inner bitchola kicks in and starts taunting Rhea for her success.
As for Maya, she does not give a fuck about her husband (literally).
Dev and Maya both leave home and meet at the train station, where they confess their love to each other and lots of saris are flapped around.
And now, a word from our sponsor.
Back home, Dev's mum is pulling some bullshit "women are strong so they should make sacrifices" move on Rhea.
To make things work, Rishi's dad and Dev's mum come up with a master plan.
Rishi and Rhea meet and decide they should make the first move to make things better, thus sending their respective spouses down the toilet of guilt. They apologise to Maya and Dev and treat them nice.
Maya and Dev reciprocate and things look calm for a sec, but this cannot end because it's ONLY been two hours since this movie started.
Soon Maya and Dev start making each other jealous in an attempt to mask their own jealousies.
Meanwhile, Rishi and Rhea are out partying, celebrating the rekindling of their married lives.
Suddenly John Abraham is deejaying this party, by the way. #RandomAsFux
But while these poor sons of bitches party, little do they know that the small fights Maya and Dev were having have resulted in awesome make-up sex. This whole thing is laughable because Rishi and Rhea are singing a song called "Where's the party tonight?" and I don't know how to answer them without breaking their hearts.
After this dramatic turn, Dev is always jealous and pissed off, which is why it is ALL THE MORE fun to pick on him. Rishi's dad is the best, because homeboy literally throws entire parties ONLY to pick on Dev. #Banter
But the fun isn't very long lasting. Dev and Maya get caught in the act by two old people who are definitely boning each other.
Rishi's dad is unable to take the trauma. He falls ill, keeping Maya's unfaithfulness a secret. His BFF Dev's mum, who is one of the biggest troublemakers in this film, kind of kills him too.
Dev and Maya, who are just about as bright as a kitchen towel, decide to make some brilliant decisions.
One would wonder what the point of this decision was, but that is exactly the point – no point. Unless you're a dimwitted masochist, you wouldn't do this.
They come clean to their spouses, who, by the way, are a fuck tonne financially stabler than them. Basically better in all ways.
I have good news and bad news...
Dev has to leave and get a divorce.
Did we forget about the kid? Oh yeah, Chicken Little still sucks and will never be the perfect son, which is why it wasn't a challenge to leave him behind.
Maya confesses everything to Rishi, who literally only has one concern in this entire story – sex.
Maya is also told to GTFO.
Meanwhile, Dev's mum is still trying to cash Rhea via emotional blackmail.
After being kicked out of their houses, Maya calls Dev. What can we expect from them at this point? Nothing short of glorious chutiyaapa.
Both lie to each other.
THREE YEARS LATER.
Maya and Dev are living in separate homes, without a clue about each other. Rishi visits Maya one day with the best revenge plan anyone could come up with.
Like, seriously, EVERYONE should pull this one on their ex.
At Rishi's wedding, as fate would have it, Rhea shows up.
Both are unaware that Maya and Dev are no longer married to their partners.
And guess what? They come up with an even better revenge plan. They tell Maya that Dev is still alone and they should totes get married.
This is a fucking horrible idea because, if you haven't noticed up until now, Dev is an asshole and Maya is a dumbass. However, they are both thieving swines who like to steal spouses so I guess it'll work.
Rhea tells Maya that Dev is about to take the train to another city and she needs to hurry.
Dev sees Maya looking for him at the station but he doesn't want to meet her. For fuck's sake, it's been three years, he's probably into someone else now.
Homeboy makes a run for it.
But Dev's train station bad luck makes a comeback. Maya spots him and starts talking to him.
And they live miserably together ever after. Or for five months, tops, I'm guessing.