We begin with the Indian Army preparing for "Project Milaap", a project where accidental border-crossin' Pakistanis who are imprisoned in India will be released back to their country as a gesture of goodwill. But a masked man known as Major Raghavan doesn't want it to happen, so he comes with his team to attack the man responsible for this. Wow, excellent security everywhere.
Major Raghavan accidentally kills the wrong guy, Brigadier Sharma, who is also the dad of Major Ram (SRK). On his deathbed, he tells his son a few things.
Brigadier Sharma's wife, Madhu, took their son Laxman and left Sharma's house when his 10-year-old illegitimate Ram showed up at their house one day. Ram's mother had died.
Now 30, Ram has to find his brother Laxman. Major Bakshi tells him Laxman and his mother's whereabouts, while also giving him a side mission like this is fucking Grand Theft Auto.
On Major Ram's first day of college, he learns there is no concept of student-teacher conduct at the premises, because within his first 10 minutes, he gets hit on by Hindi teacher Mrs. Kakkad.
NO HOLDS BARRED ANAL SEX AND PERIOD JOKES WITH STUDENTS, TOTALLY APPROPRIATE.
In the college, General Bakshi's daughter Sanjana has found her true kin. They include Lucky, her best friend, who is actually Laxman and Ram doesn't know that yet.
For real, guys, Sanjana is a list of fashion don'ts personified (but also me in 2004):
Ram tries to warm up to her so he can be her undercover bodyguard but she pulls a "bitch please" on his basic ass.
She's honestly pretty abusive and possessive too, and monitors Lucky like a drone.
Ram finds out Lucky is actually Laxman. But he, like Sanjana, also ignores Ram. That is until Lucky, in classic dipshit Lucky fashion, partakes in a race and almost dies, until Ram saves him from what was quite frankly a well-deserved death.
Here on out, Ram seemsobsessed with Lucky, and anyone who doesn't know he's his bro (read: EVERYONE) would think he has the hots for him. He moves into Lucky's house when he sees his "paying guest wanted" ad, and meets his own step-mum.
He also develops a wildly public crush on the chemistry teacher, who is totes flirting back because, y'know, there are no rules at this institution. Anyway, so the teacher's name is Miss Chandni, but we'll just call her Miss Pedestal Fan because she could be in an airtight fucking box and her hair would still blow with the wind.
One day, Ram sees Sanjana crying because Lucky doesn't like her. So here's what he does:
Ram takes Sanjana to Pedestal Fan and she gives her a ~feminising~ makeover. Her fashion sense is still '00s AF, but now she doesn't have her beachy waves, or cute dusky skin.
SRK is a pro at guilting women into feminising themselves for male attention (KKHH, anyone?) so he does a great job. A little skin-lightening and hair-straightening later, Sanjana is ERECTION FUEL. Lucky falls in love in 0.2 seconds.
Sanju tries to pimp Ram to Miss Pedestal fan for her exceptional services, but it doesn't work, even though she seems to really like Ram.
A few days later, the court-martialled killer Major Raghavan gets a job as a teacher at the college to help kidnap Sanjana. IDK how the fuck this college is taking ANYone during such a sensitive time.
On prom night, Pedestal Fan tries to get the D, despite the student-teacher code of conduct (if there is one at all at this college).
But she's clam-jammed by Raghavan's goons, while he tries to kidnap Sanju and Lucky by "giving them a ride home". Is this a propaganda film to make the army look incompetent? Because I'm pretty sure security would be active in this super sensitive area otherwise.
Fortunately, Ram saves Pedestal Fan and the kids before Raghavan is able to do anything. No one suspects Raghavan might be involved. Ram comes clean about being a soldier, and Sanjana is reunited with her dad.
With no code of conduct to cockblock them anymore, Miss Pedestal Fan gets the D that SAME NIGHT. #goals #determination
Lucky and his mom find out who Ram really is, and that Lucky's dad is #RIP. Ram is kicked out of their house.
Everyone at the college bids Ram farewell like a brown fam dropping their Ivy League uni son to the airport.
BUT everyone ends up getting kidnapped successfully. SOMEHOW. NO details as to why Raghavan and Co. didn't do this in the first place, but okay. They send out a videotape making demands. I had no idea security measures expire after one threat, because how the FUCK did everyone end up gettin' nabbed.
Ram comes to the rescue and does a few stunts, including this extreme realistic fall from being shot. The army seems to have only sent in ONE man. WHO MADE THIS FILM. It's Main Hoon Na, not Sirf Main Hi Hoon Na.
After Pakistan promises to reciprocate in Project Milaap, Raghavan still doesn't wanna give up. His own men turn against him. Apparently he only wanted revenge because his son got killed by terrorists who he thinks were Pakistani.
I'm guessing the real reason for Raghavan to do any of this was that he had no one to talk to, because every time he got access to a mildly interested human being, bitch just went on a tirade.
Raghavan is killed by a hand grenade, and Ram is rescued by the same physically super competent student who almost died in a simple running race at college. I guess all the actual jawans were attending Project Milaap because why would you send this dude. PRETTY sure the army knows better IRL.
And just like that ALL issues are resolved. Lucky's mom accepts Ram, the bros put their dad's ashes in the Ganges together, and everyone breaks into song and dance right after. In fact there's a fucking carnival, in case it isn't obvi that things are hunky dory.
Moral of the story:
Avoid ALL things shown in this movie if you actually happen to join the forces.