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22 Things For Anyone Who's A Straight-Up Fucking Carnivore

Meat.

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1. Festive meat bandages to cover your small cuts and scratches.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "Another great little monster product. These bandaids are timeless. Definitely cute bandages, but they are also functional. They stick very well and don't leave gum on your skin." –CA Closed Loop

Get a box of 20 from Amazon for $5.99.

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3. A useful cast-iron bacon press to get your strips to the exact crispness you want.

amazon.com, amazon.com

Promising Review: "Great product for cooking bacon fast with minimal splatter. It's also heavy enough to make a great defensive weapon if you get attacked in your kitchen." –Lisa98

Get it from Amazon for $13.36.

4. A beef jerky subscription box so you won't have to run to the nearest corner store to get your fix of savory goodness.

cratejoy.com

What You'll Get: A variety of high-quality jerky without tons of preservatives delivered straight to your door.

Get it from Cratejoy for $27+ a box.

5. Bacon soap to smell like your favorite pork product, all day, everyday.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "I'm at the bar, sitting with friends, and a lonely army guy nursing a beer leans over, sniffed me loudly, smiled big and said 'you smell like home.' Bacon soap equals hot southern guy talking to you." –DD Fnord

Get it from Amazon for $7.35.

6. A bacon-themed board game, because you just can't get enough of that greasy goodness.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "I bought this game for my sister who loves anything and everything bacon: bacon wrapped chicken, beef and hell maybe she'd even like a bacon wrapped book, I wouldn't put it past her." –Roelee

Get it from Amazon for $16.66.

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7. An array of southern-style spices to help season your meat to high heaven.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "So far I have tried the New Orleans style on a turkey, which was amazing – everyone said it was the best turkey they ever had. I also used the Memphis on a pork butt and tried both the Memphis and Carolina on whole chickens. It was all fantastic." –William Olsen

Get them from Amazon for $24.95.

8. A handy meat thermometer that will automatically let you know when your favorite animal of choice is ready to be eaten.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "I bought this initially for baking prime rib, but my wife uses it all the time when she bakes chicken. It takes the guessing game out of baking, and you know you are getting a cooked piece of meat without having to cut into it and letting all the juices escape." –Abe

Get it from Amazon for $17.99.

9. A stainless-steel meat injector to keep your meat from being super dry once you start cooking it.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "I find the meat injector very useful. Using it has really improved my barbecue results. I learned that if I mixed my tenderizer into the marinade and injected it into the meat, the meat not only had better flavor, but it was also more tender." –Able Devildog

Get it from Amazon for $29.97.

10. Canned unicorn meat. Sometimes in order to succeed, you have to ingest real-ass magical creatures.

thinkgeek.com, amazon.com

Promising Review: "Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams." –Irma Gerd

Get it from ThinkGeek for $9.99or on Amazon for $14.80.

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12. A tasty can of creamed possum because even roadkill is a top-choice meat and shouldn't be slept on.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "Some of the best road kill I've ever eaten (just kidding). This was a gag gift that I sent to a friend, and he thought that it was hilarious." –J. Hensley

Get it from Amazon for $6.49+.

13. The most epic cheeseburger backpack to store all of your salty, spicy meaty treats.

hottopic.com

Promising Review: "The backpack is very large! Each sandwich layer has a distinct texture of material – the patty is brown velvet, the cheese is yellow vinyl, and almost every layer is a different pocket." –Alexis Hope

Get it from Hot Topic for $27.45 or on Amazon for $36.61.

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15. A comfy meat pillow to cuddle up with at night after you've eaten that steak, and that chicken, and those bacon-wrapped scallops.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "It is so soft you just want to eat it. A perfect gift for a meat lover. One of my favorite pillows!" –Sawalha

Get it from Amazon for $39.35.

17. Or a George Foreman Grill that can also do the fucking job if cooking and eating outside underneath the stars like our ancestors before us just isn't your jam.

amazon.com, amazon.com

Promising Review: "This is the cats meow. I love this – it cleans easy and cooks to perfection." –Amazon Customer

Get it from Amazon for $24.96.

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19. A super sensual book perfect for broadening your horizons on unique ways to prepare bacon.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "It is the most erotic cookbook I have ever seen. I couldn't give it to my stepdad for obvious reasons, so it now sits on my nightstand for some light late night reading." –Amazon Customer

Get it from Amazon for $12.98. Available on kindle.

20. A basket full of yummy specialty meats to expand your palette from amazing hamburgers to spicy sausage.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "Great gift – the sausage was super yummy, and the mustard was awesome!" –Lisa Lewis

Get it from Amazon for $29.99.

21. A hamburger press for perfectly shaped patties every damn time.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "I really enjoy this patty press! I've been wanting one, and this was just what I wanted. I can make patties based on weight, so I use my kitchen scale to weigh out the meat and I get a nice, uniform, compact, perfect hamburger patty every time! Love it! No more pressing them by hand and getting it all over my hands!" –Shannon RN

Get it from Amazon for $17.09.

22. And a handy meat tenderizer to uh.... beat your meat to juicy perfection.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "We use this to tenderize and thin chicken for consistent thicknesses while cooking. It's got a nice weight to it, and it does the job as well as expected." –Jeannie W

Get it from Amazon for $17.19.

Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.