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22 Things For Anyone Who's A Straight-Up Fucking Carnivore

Meat.

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We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a small share of sales from the links on this page.
Zoe Burnett / BuzzFeed

We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a small share of sales from the links on this page.

1. Festive meat bandages to cover your small cuts and scratches.

Promising Review: "Another great little monster product. These bandaids are timeless. Definitely cute bandages, but they are also functional. They stick very well and don't leave gum on your skin." –CA Closed LoopGet a box of 20 from Amazon for $5.99.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "Another great little monster product. These bandaids are timeless. Definitely cute bandages, but they are also functional. They stick very well and don't leave gum on your skin." –CA Closed Loop

Get a box of 20 from Amazon for $5.99.

2. A bold T-shirt proudly proclaiming your not-so-secret love of well-cooked animals.

Get it from RedBubble for $29. Sizes: S-XXL. Available in black, grey, and white.
redbubble.com

Get it from RedBubble for $29. Sizes: S-XXL. Available in black, grey, and white.

3. A useful cast-iron bacon press to get your strips to the exact crispness you want.

amazon.com, amazon.com

Promising Review: "Great product for cooking bacon fast with minimal splatter. It's also heavy enough to make a great defensive weapon if you get attacked in your kitchen." –Lisa98

Get it from Amazon for $13.36.

4. A beef jerky subscription box so you won't have to run to the nearest corner store to get your fix of savory goodness.

What You'll Get: A variety of high-quality jerky without tons of preservatives delivered straight to your door. Get it from Cratejoy for $27+ a box.
cratejoy.com

What You'll Get: A variety of high-quality jerky without tons of preservatives delivered straight to your door.

Get it from Cratejoy for $27+ a box.

5. Bacon soap to smell like your favorite pork product, all day, everyday.

Promising Review: "I'm at the bar, sitting with friends, and a lonely army guy nursing a beer leans over, sniffed me loudly, smiled big and said 'you smell like home.' Bacon soap equals hot southern guy talking to you." –DD FnordGet it from Amazon for $7.35.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "I'm at the bar, sitting with friends, and a lonely army guy nursing a beer leans over, sniffed me loudly, smiled big and said 'you smell like home.' Bacon soap equals hot southern guy talking to you." –DD Fnord

Get it from Amazon for $7.35.

6. A bacon-themed board game, because you just can't get enough of that greasy goodness.

Promising Review: "I bought this game for my sister who loves anything and everything bacon: bacon wrapped chicken, beef and hell maybe she'd even like a bacon wrapped book, I wouldn't put it past her." –RoeleeGet it from Amazon for $16.66.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "I bought this game for my sister who loves anything and everything bacon: bacon wrapped chicken, beef and hell maybe she'd even like a bacon wrapped book, I wouldn't put it past her." –Roelee

Get it from Amazon for $16.66.

7. An array of southern-style spices to help season your meat to high heaven.

Promising Review: "So far I have tried the New Orleans style on a turkey, which was amazing – everyone said it was the best turkey they ever had. I also used the Memphis on a pork butt and tried both the Memphis and Carolina on whole chickens. It was all fantastic." –William OlsenGet them from Amazon for $24.95.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "So far I have tried the New Orleans style on a turkey, which was amazing – everyone said it was the best turkey they ever had. I also used the Memphis on a pork butt and tried both the Memphis and Carolina on whole chickens. It was all fantastic." –William Olsen

Get them from Amazon for $24.95.

8. A handy meat thermometer that will automatically let you know when your favorite animal of choice is ready to be eaten.

Promising Review: "I bought this initially for baking prime rib, but my wife uses it all the time when she bakes chicken. It takes the guessing game out of baking, and you know you are getting a cooked piece of meat without having to cut into it and letting all the juices escape." –AbeGet it from Amazon for $17.99.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "I bought this initially for baking prime rib, but my wife uses it all the time when she bakes chicken. It takes the guessing game out of baking, and you know you are getting a cooked piece of meat without having to cut into it and letting all the juices escape." –Abe

Get it from Amazon for $17.99.

9. A stainless-steel meat injector to keep your meat from being super dry once you start cooking it.

Promising Review: "I find the meat injector very useful. Using it has really improved my barbecue results. I learned that if I mixed my tenderizer into the marinade and injected it into the meat, the meat not only had better flavor, but it was also more tender." –Able DevildogGet it from Amazon for $29.97.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "I find the meat injector very useful. Using it has really improved my barbecue results. I learned that if I mixed my tenderizer into the marinade and injected it into the meat, the meat not only had better flavor, but it was also more tender." –Able Devildog

Get it from Amazon for $29.97.

10. Canned unicorn meat. Sometimes in order to succeed, you have to ingest real-ass magical creatures.

thinkgeek.com, amazon.com

Promising Review: "Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams." –Irma Gerd

Get it from ThinkGeek for $9.99or on Amazon for $14.80.

11. A Ron Swanson-approved cutting board to make it easier to slice your steak into even-sized morsels.

Get it from Mango T. Creations on Etsy for $15.
etsy.com

Get it from Mango T. Creations on Etsy for $15.

12. A tasty can of creamed possum because even roadkill is a top-choice meat and shouldn't be slept on.

Promising Review: "Some of the best road kill I've ever eaten (just kidding). This was a gag gift that I sent to a friend, and he thought that it was hilarious." –J. HensleyGet it from Amazon for $6.49+.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "Some of the best road kill I've ever eaten (just kidding). This was a gag gift that I sent to a friend, and he thought that it was hilarious." –J. Hensley

Get it from Amazon for $6.49+.

13. The most epic cheeseburger backpack to store all of your salty, spicy meaty treats.

Promising Review: "The backpack is very large! Each sandwich layer has a distinct texture of material – the patty is brown velvet, the cheese is yellow vinyl, and almost every layer is a different pocket." –Alexis HopeGet it from Hot Topic for $27.45 or on Amazon for $36.61.
hottopic.com

Promising Review: "The backpack is very large! Each sandwich layer has a distinct texture of material – the patty is brown velvet, the cheese is yellow vinyl, and almost every layer is a different pocket." –Alexis Hope

Get it from Hot Topic for $27.45 or on Amazon for $36.61.

14. A red meat pillow so you can take naps dreaming about your one true love – steak.

Get it from Frank-Joseph Paints on Society6 for $23.99.
society6.com

Get it from Frank-Joseph Paints on Society6 for $23.99.

15. A comfy meat pillow to cuddle up with at night after you've eaten that steak, and that chicken, and those bacon-wrapped scallops.

Promising Review: "It is so soft you just want to eat it. A perfect gift for a meat lover. One of my favorite pillows!" –SawalhaGet it from Amazon for $39.35.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "It is so soft you just want to eat it. A perfect gift for a meat lover. One of my favorite pillows!" –Sawalha

Get it from Amazon for $39.35.

16. A miniature, portable grill for beautifully charred steaks on the go.

Promising Review: "Nothing like a steak or burger on a charcoal grill. Perfect size to throw a few on instead of using the gas grill." –Lisa A WeberGet it from Amazon for $29.99.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "Nothing like a steak or burger on a charcoal grill. Perfect size to throw a few on instead of using the gas grill." –Lisa A Weber

Get it from Amazon for $29.99.

17. Or a George Foreman Grill that can also do the fucking job if cooking and eating outside underneath the stars like our ancestors before us just isn't your jam.

amazon.com, amazon.com

Promising Review: "This is the cats meow. I love this – it cleans easy and cooks to perfection." –Amazon Customer

Get it from Amazon for $24.96.

18. Burger earrings to show everyone what your favorite snack is without ever talking.

Get them from Stop Chasing Paper on Etsy for $15.
etsy.com

Get them from Stop Chasing Paper on Etsy for $15.

19. A super sensual book perfect for broadening your horizons on unique ways to prepare bacon.

Promising Review: "It is the most erotic cookbook I have ever seen. I couldn't give it to my stepdad for obvious reasons, so it now sits on my nightstand for some light late night reading." –Amazon CustomerGet it from Amazon for $12.98. Available on kindle.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "It is the most erotic cookbook I have ever seen. I couldn't give it to my stepdad for obvious reasons, so it now sits on my nightstand for some light late night reading." –Amazon Customer

Get it from Amazon for $12.98. Available on kindle.

20. A basket full of yummy specialty meats to expand your palette from amazing hamburgers to spicy sausage.

amazon.com

Promising Review: "Great gift – the sausage was super yummy, and the mustard was awesome!" –Lisa Lewis

Get it from Amazon for $29.99.

21. A hamburger press for perfectly shaped patties every damn time.

Promising Review: "I really enjoy this patty press! I've been wanting one, and this was just what I wanted. I can make patties based on weight, so I use my kitchen scale to weigh out the meat and I get a nice, uniform, compact, perfect hamburger patty every time! Love it! No more pressing them by hand and getting it all over my hands!" –Shannon RNGet it from Amazon for $17.09.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "I really enjoy this patty press! I've been wanting one, and this was just what I wanted. I can make patties based on weight, so I use my kitchen scale to weigh out the meat and I get a nice, uniform, compact, perfect hamburger patty every time! Love it! No more pressing them by hand and getting it all over my hands!" –Shannon RN

Get it from Amazon for $17.09.

22. And a handy meat tenderizer to uh.... beat your meat to juicy perfection.

Promising Review: "We use this to tenderize and thin chicken for consistent thicknesses while cooking. It's got a nice weight to it, and it does the job as well as expected." –Jeannie WGet it from Amazon for $17.19.
amazon.com

Promising Review: "We use this to tenderize and thin chicken for consistent thicknesses while cooking. It's got a nice weight to it, and it does the job as well as expected." –Jeannie W

Get it from Amazon for $17.19.

That has to be the most beautiful piece of meat I've ever seen.

NBC / Via giphy.com

Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.

The best things at three price points