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1. A pair of heart earrings that'll be a metaphor for wearing your heart on your sleeve, but you can tell everyone you just liked the shape.
2. A pack of heart-shaped string lights to place around your room just for the overall aesthetic, not because you like the idea of a year-round Valentine's Day.
3. A sarcastic mug you and bae can laugh at everytime you use it, because y'all are two weirdos who embrace being different together.
4. A touching sloth sticker to place on your laptop (or wherever else) so everyone can see your love of just hanging out and being lazy with someone you adore.
5. A Martin and Gina dad cap, because it's probably one of the greatest love stories ever told on television, and the show itself was fucking hilarious.
6. A floral journal that'll make it super simple to gush about how much you just love being in love. You'll hide it where no one will find it after the outburst.
7. A light-up photo frame that'll display all of the cute moments you've had having fun together... but it can explained away by your being naturally nostalgic.
8. A set of salt and pepper shakers which are surprisingly loving, but no one will no because you could be super into vampires — no big deal.
9. A glow-in-the-dark astrology tapestry, because you and bae were written in the stars. But if anyone asks, you're just really into your horoscope.
10. A heart-engraved rolling pin perfect for baking cool sugar cookies to gift to your boo.
11. A touching pin so you can reflect on the fact that otters are actually very violent in real life, but everyone needs a partner to walk through this trash life with, right?
12. A cute journal for writing lowkey endearing remarks about your significant other. Of course you care and sometimes you gotta show it.
13. An erotic friend fiction pin, because you really appreciate the concept of writing ideal situations for you and your "besties."
14. A 30-day challenge notepad to get you ready for being in a wholesome relationship, because you'd really like to treat your future boo right.
15. A sweet-smelling candle that'll deliver a sense of ambiance to your space without it being super obvious you're trying to seduce your crush.
16. A fabulous throw pillow to cuddle with on your couch when talking about how thankful you are for being able to sit back and relax with your spouse.
17. A cool print of one of the weirdest (and poignant) cross-species love stories ever. But everyone will just be wondering how it won an Oscar rather than wondering about the relationship.
18. A fortune cookie necklace to wear whenever you need a reminder of how lucky you got with your new honey, because you made your own fortune instead of letting fate choose for you.
19. A heart charger keychain to give your phone a little bit of juice that'll make it full of affection (and power), especially if you're in the middle of an intense flirt sesh with your new boo.
20. A trendy crop top everyone with basic music knowledge will just assume is about Prince, but really it depicts one of the greatest love songs of all time.
21. A set of pretty obvious, but still rather attractive necklaces for you and your geeky honey who love watching Game Of Thrones and were sad when Khal Drogo just up and died. How rude?
22. A pair of long-distance lamps so you'll know if your special someone is home and ready to tell you about their day even though they're a world away.
23. A '40s-inspired print to hang in your house, because you really have an...appreciation for art deco and not the classic love that comes with Frank Sinatra.
24. A cute tote bag that'll be amazing to hold all of your gifts you got from your honey, plus it secretly describes how you think of them every minute of everyday.
25. A pair of over-the-ear headphones great for jamming to some classic love songs on repeat while thinking of your current crush.
26. And a copy of Pablo Naruda's Twenty Love Poems And A Song Of Despair so you can geek out on the prose and remember why you fell in love with love in the first place.
Don't lie, you've watched 13 Going On 30 like a thousand times. Don't you ever wanna cry?
Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.