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1. A bottle of witch hazel toner made with rose water to remove excess oil from your pores, leaving your face as fresh as a daisy. You don't need an esthetician and their judgements!
2. A cat ear headband so those beautiful stray hairs of yours won't get all wet and in your face when you wash off that super relaxing mud mask.
3. A face massager that'll work in a thick face moisturizer and help relieve some pressure on your temples from staring at a computer screen all day.
4. A clay mask to deeply cleanse your clogged pores, removing all the gunk that you didn't even know was there while you listen to some calming spa music.
5. A bamboo bathtub caddy so you can read all the books on your Kindle during the best bubble baths of your life.
6. A sesame seed body oil to lock in your skin's natural moisture to make it all soft, silky, and fabulous so you can skip the massage and get straight to business.
7. A deep oxygenating mask with green tea extracts, so your skin can feel some tickly bubbles while it dissolves dirt and the makeup buildup you couldn't get to during the rigorous work week.
8. A scalp massager, because you've literally been getting tons of headaches and you obviously can't afford a personal masseuse!
9. A refreshing facial spray with aloe and green tea to spritz on at the end of the day when you just need a restart from the elements. It's almost like having a whole cooling cucumber on your face!
10. A batch of pimple patches so you can stop that hormonal acne in its tracks, because even though you're in desperate need for a facial, you literally don't have the cash money!
11. A bath pillow to stick onto the end of your tub so your back can be as comfortable as possible during a much-needed soak.
12. A skin salve packed with antioxidants to seal in moisture on your luscious lips or anywhere on your face in need of a hydration boost.
13. A fruit-infusing pitcher to give you a seriously invigorating boost of hydration like all of the fancy-ass spas you've never actually been to.
14. A plush bathrobe with cute-ass panda ears, because the pampering doesn't need to end after a bath. You wanna feel those soft fibers on your freshly shaved legs, damnit!
15. A pack of pore strips, because you absolutely love to see the gross nose gunk that's removed and it's wildly satisfying to feel the breeze on your face afterward. Plus, it's not like you can get a professional extraction anyway!
16. A foot peel that'll remove all the callouses and dead skin so you can have super soft soles — especially if you're going on (a tropical) vacation soon.
17. Or an electronic pedicure file to use on your cute feet when you just can't muster up the extra cash to get a mani-pedi at your local nail salon.
18. A hydrating facial toner that'll increase your natural moisture retention. Because the brutal winter winds have been doing a number on your face, you deserve sweet relief, even if you can't find it in yourself to spend money on a facial when you could just eat Chipotle for the third time this week.
19. A cool zen garden to use while your face mask is doing its thing. It'll bring you ultimate peace of mind.
20. An Echo Dot so you can tell the little FBI man to play your favorite tunes while you're steaming it up in the bathroom, aka your discount sauna.
21. A facial sauna to steam your perfect face with warm mists, opening up your pores for a deep clean and a hydrating moisturizing. Who needs a steam room?
22. An anti-slip stone bathmat, because it'll remind you of those heated stones at a fancy getaway resort you saw one time on Groupon.
23. A 24 karat gold face mask that'll give you the feeling of decadence while you slip off into nap zone on your comfy couch.
24. A luxe body butter to massage into your skin, giving you a shit-ton of hydration with egg yolk extracts, jojoba oil, and shea butter that'll absolutely treat your whole body right!
25. A foot massager that'll soothe tired and sore feet by hitting pressure points, increasing blood flow all while you make your way through that new book you've been meaning to read for ages.
26. A heated massager with two vibration settings to finally get out the tension in your neck... and other places too because the goal is to be completely sated, amirite?
27. A dragon's blood eye mask that'll refresh your under eyes with arnica extract to reduce puffiness. How calming.
28. A set of super luxurious towels for patting yourself down after a long, steamy shower.... And to wrap yourself in, so you don't accidentally flash your roommate!
29. A hydrating bubble mask so you can deeply cleanse your skin and pores just as well as those staff members at a fancy resort.
30. A black sugar mask to exfoliate dull skin, helping rid it of blackheads and leaving it soft and supple to the touch for a super DIY facial.
31. A bunch of bath bombs that'll add a ton of comfort and extravagance to your next tub appointment. Mixed with an array of essential oils, you'll be at ease in no time!
32. A pack of bio-peel pads — they'll exfoliate dead skin cells and penetrate pores with lactic acid, so your face can feel so fresh and so clean like the Outkast song.
33. An essential oil diffuser and humidifier to spread so much calmness in your space, because spas never smell gross!
34. A facial brush for applying your mud mask without getting the excess on your fingers and everywhere else. You're classy, just like those people who get paid to give you facials.
35. And a wine glass holder just in case you wanna have a boozy bath and literally want the alcohol with you at all times.
Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.