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1. An absolutely useful toilet mug so you can sip on your daily bullshit before getting down to business.
Promising review: "I bought this for my family's Yankee swap. I filled the bowl with brown paper filler and unwrapped tootsie rolls. I thought it was well made and TBH I would probably plant something in it, but my cousin drinks out of it all the time!" —NikkiLiz
2. A can of dehydrated water that'll definitely come in handy if you're ever in the middle of the desert and close to death.
3. A doughnut-warming mug because of course you'd want your fried dough to be nice and toasty when you're drinking a cup of joe.
Get it from Uncommon Goods for $14.95.
4. A pair of claw-shaped pot holders that'll be great for NOT burning yourself when you're making that lobster ravioli.
Promising Review: "This was an excellent housewarming gift for my little brother. He was impressed by their versatility — they don't just pick up pots, but they can also be used to chase nieces around the house." —Sunday Socks
Get them from Amazon for $16.35.
5. A baby shark tail to dress your little bundle of joy in so they'll always remember their true calling as the king of the seven seas.
Get it from Uncommon Goods for $30.
6. A glorious meme of a necklace, because you'd also order none pizza with left beef if you had anything to say about it.
7. A pair of zombie slippers so you can slowly transition into being a part of the undead — hopefully they like to eat things other than human flesh, since you're vegetarian.
8. A handy plant-like toilet brush because why not confuse your guests (and yourself) about why a whole leaf is near your toilet bowl.
Get it from Y Living for $60.
9. An old lady mural to keep by your bedside as a reminder to brush your damn teeth— you don't want your dentures to run away from you.
10. A pair of Arizona Iced Tea boxer briefs, because you're an absolute SNACK and your underwear should reflect that.
11. An avant-guarde pillow hat to wear outside in the company of humans, because you're living in motherfucking 3018 — everyone else is behind!
What the fuck, but make it fashion!
Get it from Apollo Box for $48.98 (available in two colors).
12. An action-filled shower curtain that'll show everyone who walks into your bathroom that unicorns are actually fucking jerks who need to be eliminated immediately.
13. A poop pen, because everything you say is (and will always be) full of shit.
Promising review: "It's a pen that looks like poop. Luckily it does not smell like poop or crumble in your hand like real poop would. Corn and peanut accents would be a nice addition." —Imnertnert
Get it from Amazon for $5.97.
14. A batch of bloody feet bath bombs to live out your (not so secret) dreams of being a mortician.
Get it from The MAD Bombers on Etsy for $10 each.
15. A pair of handerpants so you can keep your palms nice, warm, and supported during these trying times.
Promising review: "Don't eat brown or yellow food with these, it makes it look like you crapped your hands. Other than that, they are great." —Mephisto Perass
16. An anti-stress ball to pound out all the crazy shit you've been dealing with, and even better, the ball is totally there with you emotionally.
Promising review: "These were just amazingly funny and the people I gave them to got a huge kick out of these anti-stress balls. The big plus is no one threw them at me; not that they would have hurt! They are very soft, squeezable, and the faces are hilarious. Cute product." —Debra L.
Get it from Amazon for $16.30.
17. A T-rex notepad that'll let you and all of your short-armed friends air their grievances about not being able to grab the takeout from the McDonalds drive-through.
Promising review: "Super funny book! I laughed and laughed. This is appropriate for all ages in my opinion. Perfect coffee table book!" —E. L. Marshall
18. A truly touching cat scratcher to put in your mouth so you can, essentially, lick your cat and bond with him like a mama does a kitten.
Promising review: "Makes a hilarious gift for a cat lover. I don't know how practical it is, but I definitely didn't buy it for its practicality." —Amazon Customer
19. A hairy Barbie you can shave if you want since you've been itching for some hair removal.
Get it from Thoughtful Tot on Etsy for $12.99 (available in four colors).
20. A sexy-ass peacock thong that'll decorate your gonads in a colorful way just in time for that Magic Mike striptease you've got in store for the bae at home.
Promising review: "I got this as a gag gift for one of my friends, and his wife seems to love it!" —ParrishT13
Get it from Amazon for $7.99.
21. A pair of unique sunglasses that'll open up your third eye so you can continue to be woke AF. You're on another plane of existence.
Promising review: "I wear these damn glasses everyday. Rain, snow and especially sunshine. They're always a hit where ever I go." —Aaron Mayzing
Get it from Amazon for $23 (available in six colors).
22. A pair of duck feet to pop onto your fingers for waddling around all the work you gotta do.
Ok but I really thought they were shoes — I was so wrong.
Promising review: "Amazing duck feet. They waddle nicely." —Five old dogs
Get them from Amazon for $5.99, Walmart for $5.99, or Jet for $5.99.
23. A miniature brain for decorating your coffee table. If anyone asks about it, say they're next.
Get it from Artificialia Room on Etsy for $30.50.
24. A one pound replica of human body fat to remind yourself that yes, you are indeed a bag of flesh and bones.
And lard, apparently. The existentialism is disturbing.
Promising review: "Just as gross as in real life!" —Lola's mom
Get it from Amazon for $23.10.
25. A lovely book of images that shouldn't make your nether regions tingle, but then again, I don't know your life.
Promising review: "The title of this book was very deceptive. I found each image to be uniquely arousing. I don't know what they are talking about because I masturbated easily to every page of this book." —Angela Cardoso
Get it from Amazon for $9.95, Barnes and Noble for $9.95 or a local bookseller through Indiebound here.
26. And a bottle of knowing hand sanitizer to use after you've given up trying not to scratch the itch. Your libido won and those pictures really did turn you on.
Promising review: "I bought this as a stocking stuffer for my brother-in-law; he thought it was awesome!" —AussieMumInUS
Get it from Amazon for $6.01.
Y'all trying to process what you just scrolled through:
Same, tbh.
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Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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