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1. An absolutely useful toilet mug so you can sip on your daily bullshit before getting down to business.
2. A can of dehydrated water that'll definitely come in handy if you're ever in the middle of the desert and close to death.
3. A doughnut-warming mug because of course you'd want your fried dough to be nice and toasty when you're drinking a cup of joe.
4. A pair of claw-shaped pot holders that'll be great for NOT burning yourself when you're making that lobster ravioli.
5. A baby shark tail to dress your little bundle of joy in so they'll always remember their true calling as the king of the seven seas.
6. A glorious meme of a necklace, because you'd also order none pizza with left beef if you had anything to say about it.
7. A pair of zombie slippers so you can slowly transition into being a part of the undead — hopefully they like to eat things other than human flesh, since you're vegetarian.
8. A handy plant-like toilet brush because why not confuse your guests (and yourself) about why a whole leaf is near your toilet bowl.
9. An old lady mural to keep by your bedside as a reminder to brush your damn teeth— you don't want your dentures to run away from you.
10. A pair of Arizona Iced Tea boxer briefs, because you're an absolute SNACK and your underwear should reflect that.
11. An avant-guarde pillow hat to wear outside in the company of humans, because you're living in motherfucking 3018 — everyone else is behind!
12. An action-filled shower curtain that'll show everyone who walks into your bathroom that unicorns are actually fucking jerks who need to be eliminated immediately.
13. A poop pen, because everything you say is (and will always be) full of shit.
14. A batch of bloody feet bath bombs to live out your (not so secret) dreams of being a mortician.
15. A pair of handerpants so you can keep your palms nice, warm, and supported during these trying times.
16. An anti-stress ball to pound out all the crazy shit you've been dealing with, and even better, the ball is totally there with you emotionally.
17. A T-rex notepad that'll let you and all of your short-armed friends air their grievances about not being able to grab the takeout from the McDonalds drive-through.
18. A truly touching cat scratcher to put in your mouth so you can, essentially, lick your cat and bond with him like a mama does a kitten.
19. A hairy Barbie you can shave if you want since you've been itching for some hair removal.
20. A sexy-ass peacock thong that'll decorate your gonads in a colorful way just in time for that Magic Mike striptease you've got in store for the bae at home.
21. A pair of unique sunglasses that'll open up your third eye so you can continue to be woke AF. You're on another plane of existence.
22. A pair of duck feet to pop onto your fingers for waddling around all the work you gotta do.
23. A miniature brain for decorating your coffee table. If anyone asks about it, say they're next.
24. A one pound replica of human body fat to remind yourself that yes, you are indeed a bag of flesh and bones.
25. A lovely book of images that shouldn't make your nether regions tingle, but then again, I don't know your life.
26. And a bottle of knowing hand sanitizer to use after you've given up trying not to scratch the itch. Your libido won and those pictures really did turn you on.
Y'all trying to process what you just scrolled through:
Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.