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12 Things We Found While Lost In KJ Apa's Eyebrows

It was so, so very dark... *shudders*

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It's no secret that K.J. Apa went through some serious hair and makeup to transform into "Riverdale"'s Archie. But one part of the process that always struck me, like leapt out of my laptop screen and slapped me across the face, were those BROWS. Like, DAMN, Arch...

Ian Martella

The color's great, but those things look menacing. Like they might be hiding something. Or maybe several things…

1. The gun that shot Jason Blossom

Via Wikimedia Commons

Spoiler: Archie's left eyebrow actually stretched across Sweetwater Lake and, in cold blood, pulled the trigger on this K100. All the more reason to wax that bitch.

3. Approximately 130 gallons of tears

Via Wikimedia Commons

These bottles of tears were presumably fans' only means of hydration during thirst-enducing Archie scenes. Sorry, y'all. Shoulda trimmed the beasts.

4. Richard Serra's Original "Equal-Parallel: Guernica-Bengasi"

Kali Norby / Via Flickr

If you've wondered how K.J. stays so ripped, it's by constantly bearing in his left eyebrow the weight of this missing, 42-ton original sculpture by Richard Serra—lost after being held in storage for 15 long years. Archie's lefty is not only a cold-blooded murderer, but a highly skilled art thief as well.

6. The missing crew from the infamous "Ghost Blimp"

Via US Navy

US Navy Lieutenant Ernest Cody and Ensign Charles Adams went missing August 16, 1942 after their blimp crashed during a routine patrol off the coast of San Francisco. Turns out they've been hiding in plain sight all this time, deep within the forests of Archie's right eyebrow.

9. Just below 42 tons of his father's concrete

Via Wikimedia Commons

The logic on this one's less exciting. Archie's right eyebrow nabbed the Fred G. Redmon Memorial Bridge from Washington only to balance out the immense burden of Richard Serra's sculpture.

Imagine how hard it would be to serenade people with your three months of guitar experience while bearing 42 tons of unequally distributed weight! Impossible! Smart thinking, Archie's right eyebrow.

10. Some prisoners from "Fantastic Planet"


Seeing as they don't speak English or any other language spoken on Earth, it's hard to tell how they became stowed away in Archie's eyebrows. Updates to come, though we can tell you they're all incredibly traumatized.

11. Calvyn Cass, Apa's hairstylist

Calvyn Cass / Via Instagram

This picture was actually taken during the extraction operation that freed Dylan and the Ghost Blimp crew, as well. Calvyn was allegedly consumed by Archie's right eyebrow during his last coloring appointment of the season after he suggested "just a light trim of the brows." He'll be going home to his beloved dachshunds as soon as Riverdale police can get a statement.

12. Six delightfully saucy Kevin scenes, most of which contain less than respectable amounts of clothing.

Amazon / Via IMDB

Turns out the reason we haven't seen much of Riverdale's other incredibly hot character is as infuriating as item 5! Archie's left eyebrow has been coveting the gay. Unacceptable.

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