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61 Thoughts All People Who Use Public Transport In Glasgow Have Had

"Turn that music down, doll. You're not on the Venga Bus now."

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1. Here we are again, the daily wait at the train station in the rain.

2. Who is "Young Tam" anyway, and why he does he put graffiti on everything?

3. Now, the daily dilemma: Do I risk cramming into the shelter and seeming like a creep for standing too close to someone?

4. Naw, sod it. I'll just stand here and get wet.

5. And there's the daily moan rippling across the platform as the announcer says the train is going to be late.

6. I bet everyone else here knows me as the guy who bolted 100m in 10 seconds down the platform and jumped onto the train just as the doors closed that one time.

7. I'm basically the Glaswegian Usain Bolt.

8. I've been travelling from this station for ages and I still don't have a clue how to pronounce the Gaelic version of its name.

9. Hmm, in fact, I wonder how much time I've spent on this platform in the past year.

10. Abort! Abort! Don't think about that. Never think about that.

11. This guy has nae respect for the yellow line, he's living right on the edge (of the platform).

12. Hang on, he's still on it from last night. Got the headphones in, doing a wee funkless shuffle.

13. Watch it mate, you're a banging bass line away from boogying onto the tracks.

14. Aaand there's the telltale whiff of stale lager. The hangover's gonna batter him in an hour.

15. I've been getting this train for years but I still can't anticipate where the train will stop so I'm next to a door.

16. Will there be a seat, will there be a seat?

17. No.

18. But there is a guy with his bag on a seat next to him. Prick.

19. Gonnae stare at the back on his head with total hatred for a while.

20. Amazing. A wee granny told him to shift, and he did. On yourself missus!

21. Has anyone ever figured out what the graffiti on the abandoned Tradeston factory says?

22. Whose got the steadier hand, the lassie doing her makeup, or the guy making his day's rollies?

23. Rollies man just dropped his baccy, victory for make up lassie!

24. You have to wonder about the sanity of a 40-year-old guy wearing a full Celtic kit on train at 8.15am on a Tuesday morning.

25. How come everyone on this train is glued to a screen? The few of us that aren't are clearly the ones that have escaped from the Matrix.

26. That's really funny. I should put that on Twitter.

27. Last stop before town, time to do the sardine impression.

28. What a surprise: This angry, beardy man isn't happy about having to move.

29. Aye, you're a real hero mate, standing up to the system by refusing to move two feet on a crowded carriage.

30. Great, now I'm getting pushed uncomfortably close to angry, beardy man.

31. He smells of chips. Who the hell has chips for breakfast?

32. Brilliant, the guy ten feet away wants everyone to hear his phone call.

33. Phones are for looking at pal, not for talking on.

34. God, the Clyde's even browner than normal. I wouldnae swim in that for a million quid.

35. What's everyone so keen to get off the train for? Is Central Station really so wonderful you have to shove off the train to get to it?

36. And there's that brief anxious crush, 'til the conductors give up on the barriers and wave everyone through.

37. Oot my way jakies! No one cares which one of you dropped the Buckie.

38. Aye, and cheers for shouting "you're a fud" once I'm 30m away from you, neddy guy I nearly bumped into.

39. Yes! Personal best running the chugger slalom up Buchanan Street. None of them even got near me with their clipboards.

40. Best cross the road at Renfield Street so I don't get hit by flying debris from the Cineworld roof.

41. Great. As usual, I've reached Buchanan Bus Station just as my bus is pulling away from the stop.

42. I hate whoever designed Buchanan Bus Station. It's never quite covered enough to stop the rain getting you.

43. Ah, the strange and wonderful bouquet of smells that is unique to every Glasgow bus.

44. Aye, pish definitely strongest on this one.

45. Yes, I know you don't give change and you're giving me nothing back from that fiver. Cheers, you bastards.

46. Dug on the bus, dug on the bus, everybody loves a dug on the bus.

47. Excitement lessened cos the dug can't stop farting.

48. And the screaming bairn has lowered the excitement to Edinburgh levels.

49. Check out the pensioners strolling on waving their free bus passes at the driver, life's clearly easy street once you get to 60.

50. Hang on, is that woman eating a trifle? ON THE BUS?

51. Stand doon, it's just a tiramisu.

52. Here, he sat down thirty seconds ago and he's already asleep. Bold.

53. Turn that music down doll, you're not on the Venga bus now.

54. Here I go. Just once, driver, I'd like to get off this bus without you slamming on the brakes so I stumble.

55. Aye, he did it. Course he did.

56. They must have a competition going to see how many people they can knock down.

57. Best thank the driver anyway. It's the done thing.

58. Work, glorious work!

59. Oh God, Just eight hours till I have to do it all again in reverse.

60. I wonder if anyone will notice if I just sleep under my desk?

61. Still, it could be worse. I could live in London.

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