The 6 Types Of Concerts You'll Meet At Bonnaroo

The music festival in Manchester, TN reveals it's lineup tomorrow. BONNA. ROO. HEY, let's all go there. Bonus: my wildly outlandish requests/dreams for 2013.

1. The Interactionist

(I don't know if interactionist is a word.)

What it means: The performer talks to the audience all the damn time. Sing-a-longs, throwing out guitar picks, drum sticks, inviting people up on stage, asking them to "make some noise".

What the audience does: Complies. You paid to see the concert; you best throw up a middle finger when Ben Folds asks you to. And it's fun. You think the performer is, like, the SHIT after that and you may even have convinced yourself that the two of you are great friends.

E.G. : Ben Folds, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Radiohead

Hopefuls for 2013: Dr. Dog, Cage the Elephant, Corey Smith (prob not), Gavin DeGraw

2. Just To Say I Saw Them

What it means: You probably know some of their songs but are mainly going because they're just SUCH A BIG NAME. It'll look good on your musical resume.

What the audience does: Nods heads. Talks to friends and plans out the rest of the day. Sits in the back and eats just enjoying the band's company.

E.G. : The Beach Boys, Lil Wayne, Alice Cooper, Ludacris

Hopefuls for 2013: Wilco, Stevie Nicks, Lady Gaga, Michael Buble, Justin Timberlake, Usher (Shutup, a girl can dream)

3. I Did Molly at...

What it means: You go to this concert to get/be fucked up. You know the type.

What the audience does: Dances. Brings neon accessories. Tries to get up close to the "band" (man with soundboard). Dances.

E.G. : Bassnectar, Pretty Lights, Skrillex

Hopefuls for 2013: Don't hate me for saying this, but they're all kind of the same. We can all trust that there'll be at least a few on the lineup.

4. The Talent Showcase

What it means: There is musical genius actually dripping from their pores. You can see it, if you get close enough. It's sparkly.

What the audience does: Sits (or stands) and marvels at the ridiculously talented artists and reminisces on and regrets the time in their life when they quit guitar/cello/banjo lessons.

E.G. : Trampled By Turtles, Ben Sollee

Hopefuls for 2013: Brandi Carlile, Fiona Apple, The Lumineers, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, Amos Lee (again), The Rescues

5. The Underdog

What it means: No one really knows about them. But they're pumped to be there. And they're normally really good. They'll be relatively popular in 2-3 years.

What the audience does: 1) Gets HYPED to see them and even more hyped that they get front row, as one of the 40 people who actually knows a song of theirs. 2) Sits and waits in between concerts they really want to see. Nonetheless, still admiring The Underdog who still made the lineup.

E.G. : Sarah Jarosz, The Devil Makes Three, tUnE-yArDs

Hopefuls for 2013: Turnpike Troubadours, Joshua James, Ben Taylor, Paolo Nutini, Hayes Carl (again), Blitzen Trapper

6. They're Speaking to My SOUL

What it means: They're just so damn sincere and beautiful that your life has just been changed.

What the audience does: Swoons. Nods their heads. Tries to remember the name of the song that they wish they wrote (and will later display on a canvas, Facebook status, or on Pinterest).

E.G. : Justin Townes Earle, Bon Iver, Ben Howard

Hopefuls for 2013: Johnny Flynn, Ray Lamontagne, The Head and the Heart, Mason Jennings, Josh Ritter (I would give my firstborn child)

And the culmination of all of these...

7. Pants-Shitting, Mind-Blowing, Fetal-Positioning Show

What it means: Things happened in that concert that can absolutely not be put into words. The venue was magical. The performer was like Moses parting the red sea of chords to show you the promised-land of music. You are now a member of a cult. You would assign your future children to marry the singer's future children without hesitation.

What the audience does: Goes fucking crazy. No one can remember how they're body was reacting during a pants-shitting, mind-blowing, fetal-positioning concert because it DIDN'T MATTER.

E.G. : Dispatch, The Black Keys, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Hopefuls for 2013: BEYONCE (sorry), Kings of Leon, Elton John, My Morning Jacket (PLEASE), Coldplay