You have a baseball bat.You have a baseball bat with nails on the end.You look super good in sunglasses.You have four kids.And you're an amazing parent.You're still in love with your ex.You have a pool.You once set up a trap in a junkyard.With two boys you didn't really know all that well yet.And a random girl.You aren't a very good essay writer.You were kind of an asshole last year.But you're perfect now.You've punched an asshole in the face.You hang out with middle schoolers.You have great hair.Because you use Fabergé Organics.Actually because you use both the Fabergé Organics shampoo and the Fabergé Organics conditioner.And you do four puffs of the Farrah Fawcett spray.But only when your hair is damp, not when it's dry.ONLY WHEN IT'S DAMP!!!!You play basketball.You love KFC.And you use the phrase "finger-licking good" to describe it.You give good dating advice.You don't know anything about Dungeons and Dragons.You've draped a dish towel over your shoulder.You've stood with your hands on your hips.You've done both as you've lectured children.You bring red roses when you go to say sorry to someone you love....Sorry? What the hell are you sorry for?You, like, only wear one pair of shoes.And they're white sneakers.You look like Jean-Ralphio Saperstein.You're a parental figure for a kid who really needs one.And the two of you are the best duo ever.You sometimes confuse your ex-girlfriend for her brother.But only when you've just regained consciousness.You may be a pretty shitty boyfriend, but turns out you're actually a pretty damn good babysitter.
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