Posted on Aug 20, 2021

I Ranked Tahani's Name Drops On "The Good Place" From "Bad" To "Better Than Kate Middleton's Dress When I Saw Her That Time"

"I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé."

by Hope Lasater

BuzzFeed Staff

I am not including some name drops involving quite bad men, but those rank 60–54. Now let's have some fun!

While listening to a machine that tells you every nice thing anyone has ever said behind your back, Tahani says, Karlie Kloss did like me, I knew it

Tahani says, Ironically that's exactly what Vin Diesel asked me when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in The Fast &amp; the Furious 9

Tahani says, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin, you are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit unfriend, I also told Mark to lose the the, you know, just Facebook, that was me

Eleanor says, The real buzzkill whose name I can never remember. Kieblers, Karr, Kyra, Sedgwick, Tahani says, Oh, I love her, dear friend of mine, Chidi and Eleanor glare at her and Tahani says, Not important right now

Tahani says, To paraphrase a song written by my godfather, Hey Judge, don't make it bad, take a sad group, and make us better

Tahani says, I've been through worse, once at Elon Musk's birthday party, I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi and Elon Musk

Tahani says, Don't sell yourself short, Michael, I dare say you're the greatest architect in existence, and I should know, then everyone with Tahani says, Frank Gehry is my godfather, and Tahani says, Fair enough, I deserved that

Tahani says, I heard this little voice in my head saying, 'Tahani, don't do this, Eleanor asks, The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey, and Tahani says, Oh, yes, sorry, Maggie Smith is my godmother

Tahani says, I've never had lunch with mom and dad, I've only ever stood silently behind their chairs while they ate lobster tail with Oscar de la Renta

Tahani says, "In 2007, Blake Lively invited me to a birthday party held for Leonardo DiCaprio aboard Paul Allen's megayacht, and John says, Mmm, I see we're dropping names three at a time now

Tahani says, I'm friends with Sting

A robot Tahani says, I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vain attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion, which I've been to, by the way, real Tahani says, I have, actually, it's remarkable, and robot Tahani says, It's remarkable

Michael says, She was the only one who was able to talk me out of that goatee, and Tahani says, Well I lost that battle with Robert Downey Jr. and I'll be damned if I lose it with you

Tahani says, Oh, it was a perfect evening, Princess Stéphanie was there, as were Posh and Becks, you know, International Sophisticate Magazine gave us five Gwyneths

Tahani says, I haven't met a more perfect couple since I set up Drake with Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Tahani says, I once played a drinking game with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively at their macrobiotic farm with a particularly robust batch of homemade kombucha

Tahani says, Oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's muse for a while, that was quite fun

Tahani says, Our story begins when I ran into Robbie Williams, Heidi Klum, and the remaining members of Fifth Harmony at the Dolce and Gabbana spring show

Tahani says, I enjoy American football, I actually dated a player once, but he wasn't my type, so I set him up with my friend, Gisele, Bündchen

Tahani says, Reach for the stars, as I said to my good friend, Elon Musk, and then he shot his car into space, what a weird creep, why was I friends with him

Tahani says, We need someone authoritative and reassuring, like Nelson Mandela or Sir Patrick Stewart or really any of my old racquetball partners would do

Tahani says, I tried talking to her, but it was the dullest conversation I have ever had, and this is coming from someone who once split a Xanax with Peter Sarsgaard"

Tahani says, Janet, when I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the hostess code, I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much

Tahani says, My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball, which I did, a couple of times, actually

Tahani says, I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended, champagne and Alanis Morissette, oh, not the actual singer, I'd just listen to her albums at my friend Adele's house

Tahani says, I've already said goodbye to everyone else in my life, my sister, my parents, Bey and Jay, they took it very hard, and Eleanor and Chidi look at her

Eleanor says, Yesterday she told me that she was Taylor Swift's best friend, but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend

Tahani says, If you love someone, set them free, My good friend and yoga pupil, Sting, no last initial, told me that

Tahani says, Now I have to live next to a man who once lied and said I wasn't at Diddy's White Party, I was there, Eleanor, I was, you must believe me

Tahani says, That should be fine for me, it's roughly the same size as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic anti-aging chamber and I've never had a problem in there

Tahani says, That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea

Tahani says, I’ve thrown my fair share of disastrous gatherings, Remind me to tell you someday about Timothée Chalamet's bar mitzvah

Tahani says, I cleansed myself of the possessions that had been weighing me down, the dresses, the jewels, I gave them all to Good Will, that's what I call Prince William, since he married a commoner, I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to

Tahani says, You know, I once shoved a hot dog right down the throat of the legendary John Wayne, and Eleanor, overhearing, says, She even name drops in hell

Tahani says, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé

Tahani says, This may be a tougher challenge than I thought, like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance, the longest four years of my life

Tahani says, I haven't encountered this much resistance since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet to go out into the sun

Tahani says, This really reminds me of my time in Vietnam, picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana, doesn't really matter what she's a princess of, it's not really important

Tahani says, This money has been a weight around my neck, like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me

Tahani says, I shall go on the attack, just like six of the eight 'Game of Thrones' characters who were based on me would do

Tahani says, "In the words of Princess Kate after we can back from our shopping trip in Ibiza, there's a lot to unpack here

Tahani says, I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend, Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Tahani says, "You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but, he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his TV show, 'Anderson Cooper 360°'"

An interviewer asks, Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone, and Tahani says, It's not about who you know, enlightenment comes from within, the Dalai Lama texted me that

Tahani says, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and The Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room

Tahani says, I once had a brief fling with a non-famous Hemsworth brother, but, even Larry Hemsworth had more status than Jason

Tahani says, You know, I once did trust falls with Barry Diller and it was the beginning of a lifelong friendship

Tahani says, If I can convince Dr. Ruth not to sue Bruno Mars over songwriting credit on 'Uptown Funk', I can handle this

Tahani says, I was in Portofino with Bruno Mars, LeBron James, and Doctor Ruth Westheimer, Eleanor says, We don't have time, babe, and Tahani says, Long story short, LeBron did a successful tracheotomy, the song won many Grammys, and everyone was happy

Tahani says, I haven't had a pet since Barbra Streisand gave me one of her cloned siamese cats and it killed itself

Tahani says, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar, Let's go, then when everyone gives her looks she says, What, it's what I said

Tahani says, Really is the most incredible chime I've ever heard, and that is coming from someone whose godfather is the most famous clock in the world, Chidi asks, Is Big Ben somehow your godfather, and Tahani says, Mhm

Fremulon / NBC

Fremulon / NBC

Share This Article