Posted on Jan 23, 2022

100 Absolutely Perfect Jokes From "The Office," "New Girl," And "Friends"

Rachel claims her favorite movie is Dangerous Liaisons, but it's actually Weekend at Bernie's.

by Hope Lasater

BuzzFeed Contributor

Ross says, "Do you have a minute, I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about," Joey says, "Sure, how about, uh, you showering with your mom," and Ross says, "I actually had a topic in mind"

Nick says, He called an oven an oves, he calls an airport airp, last month he went to a party called Bros Before Hoes on the Moon, and the dress code was yacht flair, Winston says, Schmidt has a friend who changed his middle name to one word, Doinit

Kelly says, Well, I manage my department, and I’ve been doing that for several years now, and, god, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way, Jim says, Your department’s just you, right, and Kelly says, Yes Jim, but I am not easy to manage

Melissa says, Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority, and Phoebe says, Of course, yeah, I was, uh, um, Thi Mega Tampon

Jess says, First of all, he's a street artist, second of all, he called a scotch on the rocks a sco ro, he has a tattoo that just says Warrior Poet, He tipped the waiter with a sketch of a hip hop mouse

Chandler says, When we're 40, if neither of us are married, why don't you and I have one, Monica says, Why won't I be married when I'm 40, Chandler says, No, I meant hypothetically, and Monica says, Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40

Winston says, You've named your testicles, and they're both named Sharon, and Nick says, Yeah, so what

Pam hands Jan some vine and says, "We got you this," Michael says, "Oh, vino," and Jan says, "Oh, well Pam, thank you, that's so nice, this will be great to cook with"

Joey says, "Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live, you know," Ross says, "Joey, OMnipotent," and Joey asks, "You are"

Winston asks, "Fun Saturday," Dorado says, "No, my bird died," Winston says, "Well, my mom used to say, when a bird dies, he gets another set of wings in heaven, so," and Dorado says, "Well, that bird was going straight to hell"

Jim says, What is that and points to a banner that reads, It is your birthday, and Dwight says, It's a statement of fact

Rachel says, Okay, I will have the side salad, the server says, And what would that be on the side of, and Rachel says, I don't know, why don't you just put it right here next to my water

In reference to a doll holding a hammer on the floor, Jess says, Yeah, he's not fooling anyone, You think just cause he's a snappy dresser the mice don't see the hammer, Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy witch

Stanley asks, How did Ryan use it, as an object, Ryan says, As an object and Kelly says, Ryan used me as an object

Chandler says, You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies, and Rachel says, Nice, they were nice, I mean, that's it, I mean, mittens are nice

In a car, Nick fist bumps and mimes the fiddle in Cotton-Eyed Joe, and Jess says, Why did you need me for this, Nick

Creed says, Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it, the last person to do this disappeared, his name, Creed Bratton

Ross says, Rachel claims this is her favorite movie, Chandler says, Dangerous Liaisons, Ross says, Correct, her actual favorite movie is, Joey says, Weekend at Bernie's, and Ross says, Correct

Schmidt says, Ladies and gentlemen, drumroll, please, Nick and Jess do a tom-tom and a cymbal, Schmidt says, Cut, cut, Nick, snare drum, I shouldn't have to specify, Jess, that was a cymbal, and Jess says, Cymbals are part of the drum kit

Toby asks, Do you know her last name yet, Gabe says, Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow, because she's gonna be screaming it tonight, and Toby asks, She's gonna be screaming her own last name

Rachel says, He barely touched her with the needle, she screamed and that was it, and Phoebe says, For your information, this is what I wanted, a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great, great distance, it's the way my mother sees me from heaven

Jess says, If I were a gold digger, do you think I'd be interested in you, I would be the worst gold digger in the world

Jim says, Would you write down your email because I have just so many questions, Dwight's babysitter date asks, Email, and Jim says, Never mind

Cece says to Jess, Did you wash your hair, it looks really clean, and all of the women around gasp, including Jess

Michael says, "I know a fair amount about fine food and drink," then he sniffs his white wine and says, "This is a white"

Chandler's reading a newspaper and Joey says, Can I see the comics, Chandler says, This is the New York Times, and Joey says, Okay, may I see the comics

Coach says, You've never been turned on by gas mileage before, Winton says, Once, Schmidt asks, When was that, Winston says, It was a Thursday, that's all I remember, Schmidt asks, A Thursday, Winston says, Yeah, and Schmidt glares at him

Pam says, Finally, I want to thank God, because God gave me this Dundie, and I feel God in this Chili's tonight

Chandler says, "Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women," and Rachel says, "Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women"

Cece walks in on Jess putting meth down the shower drain and says, Jessica, what are you doing, you do not put drugs down the shower drain, have you never seen a drug movie before, and Jess says, I don't know, I saw Ray

Creed says, Find out what language this is and then makes unintelligible noises

Phoebe says, "See how they expand as the baby grows, and then, after the baby's born, they're great for shoplifting melons"

Schmidt says, I can never write my vows right now, I can barely even spell my own name, S, Jeans, is that right, is jeans not a letter, it feels like a letter to me and then he says, Jeans isn’t a letter, jeans is pants

Meredith says, I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding, Kelly says, I know, but there was an emergency, and then, in a talking head, she says, I look really good in white

Chandler says, Would you put that back on, Monica's gonna be here any minute, Joey says, But it hurts my Joey's Apple, and Chandler says, Okay, for the last time, it's not named after each individual man

Nick says, You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie, you gave me a cookie, gave you cookie, gave me cookie, got you cookie, you gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man, gave me cookie, got you cookie

Pam says, "I know Jan didn't poison the food, I know that, but, if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table, wouldn't it be me, Michael's former lover"

Jess says, You know me, I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea

Phoebe says, "Should we say around seven," Chandler says, "...Yes," and Phoebe says, "Good, I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse"

Winston says, I've been broken up with so many times in many different places, multiple parks, coffee shops, Santa's lap, kitchen stadium on Iron Chef, airplanes, in economy, economy select, economy comfort, platinum economy, while covered in butterflies

Michael says, "Yes, it was on company property, with company property, so, double jeopardy, we are fine," Ryan says, "I don't—I don't think you understand how Jeopardy works," and Michael says, "Oh, right, I'm sorry, what is we're fine"

Rachel says, I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life, Phoebe says, I know, I've been there, I remember toward the end, and Rachel cuts her off to say, Phoebe, that's a great story, could you tell it to me while you're getting me some iced tea

Schmidt is standing on a table holding the light fixture and says, There it is, it's right there, it's licking its lips

Robert California and Creed both ask, How old, and Creed says, Jinx, buy me some coke

Joey says, "Monday, one day, Tuesday, two day, Wednesday, when, huh, what day, Thursday, the third day"

Jess says, I'm so far off the grid that everybody's all, she's off the grid, and then I'm all, I don't play by your rules, I can drink at 11, A M

Kelly says, I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died, that was the saddest funeral ever, that and my sister’s

Rachel says, "Is that him again, tell him I'd come to the phone but my ankles are weighing me down"

Schmidt reacts to the following words Fred Armisen's character reads, As his electric car powered down, he saw her virgin breasts glowing in the Alabama light, she said, Which to see, left or right, I said, Left, She showed him, it was big like a Cadillac

Michael says about the wine, "That has sort of an oaky afterbirth," and Jim says, "What was that"

Monica says, I feel terrible. I really do, and Rachel says, Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife

Jess says, Every prank you do turns out either too big, flashback Nick says, Did you register me as a sex offender, Jess says, Or too small, flashback Schmidt's eating cereal and says, How'd this blueberry get in here, and Winston starts cackling

On a white board, it says, "'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take —Wayne Gretkzy' — Michael Scott"

Chandler asks, You've had a lot of sex, right, and Joey says, When, today, some, not a lot

Jess's bra is stuffed and Dorado says, "I will ask questions, you will ask no questions, in exchange I will offer up three personal facts, I was born in St. Louis, I have three brothers, two of whom were killed in separate plane crashes, and I like music"

Creed says, When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair, then I’ll have two chairs, only one to go

Phoebe says to Rachel about Jack, "OK, look at him, look at those strong hands, oh, what I wouldn't give to be that can of...condensed milk"

An old man says to Nick, Looks like you got old-man back, welcome to the club, and Nick says, Looks like a cool club, then he says to Winston Ugh, you hear that, and Winston says, Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you

Jan says, "You know Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight," and Michael says, "When in Rome"

Ross asks, What is Monica's biggest pet peeve, Joey says, Animals dressed as humans, and Ross says, That's correct

Jess says, If he's using it right, no one's seeing his penis

Karen says, Hey, Jan, and Jan replies, Not too good

Rachel says, Who's FICA, Why is he getting all my money

Nick, as Julius Pepperwood, says, How you guys doing, I'm Julius Pepperwood, I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine, I'm here to learn how to write short fiction, I'm from Chicago, Thin crust pizza, No, thank you, I'm from Chicago

Ryan says, Do you have a question, Kelly, and Kelly says, Yeah, I have a lot of questions, number one how dare you

Jess asks, Schmidt, an aquarium, when did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates

The word is cream, Joey's partner says, "It's white" and Joey says, "Paper, snow, a ghost"

Schmidt says, I'm the Bridgette Wilson-Sampras here, Cece says, Who, Reagan says, I don't know, Schmidt says, Oh, I suppose you're both too cool to have seen THE WEDDING PLANNER, and then Winston says, Well, I've seen it

Michael says, Time to carbo load and takes a huge bite of his full fettuccine alfredo meal

Joey says, Hey Pheebs, you wanna help, and Phoebe says, Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to

Nick says, Jess, have you seen, uh, uh, cherries, and Jess says, I'm so confused by your question that I'm just gonna answer it, uh, directly, Yes, I've seen them

Dwight says, R is among the most menacing of sounds, that's why they call it murder and not mukduk

Monica asks, So we're back on, Carol says, We're back on, and Monica says, You heard the woman, PEEL, CHOP, DEVIL

Reagan asks, Is that a bowl of mashed potatoes under your bed, and Winston says, May god help us if it's not

Ryan says, I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated

Joey says, "And I wrote a song for us, this hand is your hand, this hand is my hand, oh wait that's your hand, no wait it's my hand"

Jess says, "I'm gonna call Cece, she knows about this stuff, she lived one summer in Milan with a guy named 'Crystal Randy'"

Jan says, "In fact, you know what, girls' trip, Angela, come on, girls' trip"

Monica says, "Why is it sick," and Rachel says, "Because it's Richard's son, it's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner"

Reagan says, "I hope that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series while you're in a coma," and Nick says, "That's one of the meanest things anybody has ever said to me"

Kelly says, I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake

Joey asks, You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died, and Chandler says, Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer

Schmidt is dancing and says, Yes, my penis is working

Nellie says, For two tacos, we probably need about, what, $20, or, and Darryl looks at her

Rachel says, "Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler," then Joey asks, "You mean how they're friends and nothing more," before glaring at Rachel

Jess says, Bearclaw just told me a 10 minute joke about squirrels with the punchline, Eat these nuts

Creed says, If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about, what am I working toward

Rachel says, I mean, isn't that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic

Winston asks, You put bologna in your Bolognese, and Nick says, Where else would it get its name, trick question, it gets it from the mayonnaise

Phoebe sees Monica and Chandler in the window and says, "Hey you guys," they start hooking up and Phoebe screams, Rachel asks, 'What," Phoebe says, "Chandler and Monica, Chandler and MONICA," Rachel says, "Oh my god," and Phoebe says, "My eyes, my eyes"

Jess says, I'm great at parties, I can make any kind of balloon animal, as long as it's a worm or a snake

Michael says, "Well, well, well, how the turntables"

While she's cutting Chandler's hair, Kathy says You have really great hair, and Chandler says, Well thanks, I grow it myself

Aly says, I'm not gonna be the yardstick in a penis measuring contest, Nick says, Did you say yard, and Winston says, Wow, who are you dating

Jim says, Oh, my apartment's on fire, Pam says, Flooded, and Jim says, Flooded

Monica says, I'm drunk, that's right, mom and dad, your little harmomica is hammered

A child says, A white man broke in today, Schmidt says, A white man, no, well, what did security do about it, the child says, Nothing, and Schmidt yells, Typical

Michael says, "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious"

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