It feels like everyone is super duper into Euphoria these days, but look, I haven't gotten around to seeing it. I know! I'm the worst. I should be banned from the internet and the world.
But the Euphoria Season 2 finale just aired, and I watched it — with essentially zero idea about anything from this show apart from, like, article headlines, a couple of trailers, and texts I have received.
Oh, and I skipped the "previously on" part because that felt like cheating the whole concept of this article.
Alright! Let's go.
1.I thought these people were in high school. Is this man with a full beard in high school?
2.He looks like Mac Miller.
3."I really got to talk to you about something." "Like what, man?" "Everything." Fuck off.
4.Wait, what? There's a dead person? Mouse?
5.Why have you waited until Beard is leaving for a date to share this news?
6.Ow! Don't clean up glass with your hand, blonde lady.
7.Oh, he has, like, a wire or something? So they're saying this drug dealer killed my best friend, Mouse?
8.This person with tattoos on their face is a child, right? A small child.
9.Oh my god, oh my god. The child stabbed the guy in the hat in the neck. Oh my god.
10.Oh my god, I am watching this man violently die. Oh my god, why are we watching it so clearly? It's so explicit.
11.Casual 7-Eleven product placement. (I'm kidding, but just a bit.)
12.Maude Apatow, your life plan is a whole lot, my friend.
13."I don't wanna google the scraps." That's so lovely, Beard.
14.Oh, that call montage between Beard and Maude Apatow was flashbacks. I love a flashback.
15.This is the "Lexi's play" I've heard so much about.
16.I'm getting that spelling of "Lexi" from the subtitles.
17.Oh, Beard didn't come to Lexi's play because there was that murder going on. That sucks.
18.What is up with Sydney Sweeney at the door, dude?
19.Why is everyone scared of her like she's a dinosaur in Jurassic Park?
20.That's a very weird place for a title card. There must be so much context there.
21.Oh my god, she's going onstage at their play! Wow, that's a move. I'm excited for this. That's so much drama.
22."Can we give a round of applause for how hard Lexi's life is?" is so funny. That is so funny.
23.Shoutout to blonde audience man who yells, "Yo, is this, like, a part of the play?" I've never seen Euphoria before, and I can tell you with confidence, no, it is not.
24.So far, there's no euphoria.
25.Oh my god, Suze, no! Don't come onstage!
27.The person who plays Sydney Sweeney in the play is hilarious.
28.I'm not into this music. It would never be so whimsically done if it were men or boys fighting.
29.Oh my god! One of the women just shoved Sydney Sweeney's head into a brick wall!
30.Whoever Elliot is, he's got a great room.
31.No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't play someone guitar when you're alone in a room together. That is so uncomfortable.
32.He's a good singer, but this is really uncomfortable.
33.This song is so long.
34."Truth or dare?" What?! Where did that come from!
35."Truth or dare?" "Truth." "Do you think we can still be friends?" Please tell me there's context.
36.That Lexi chant is so nice of Zendaya.
37.Poor Beard. He's gonna go to jail forever.
38.I say "poor Beard." I don't know anything about him. He may be an awful human being.
39.Did the kid just take matches? Why?
40.Oh my god! The kid has a giant gun!
41.So this show is about both, like, a play and this kind of violent personal drama. And also, Zendaya with the guitar.
42.Yes, "Can't Get You Out of My Head" is playing in the background of this scene of Jacob Elordi with a gun.
43."Got all the best parts of him." "Think I know what part that is." Oh my god. Why are you making a dick joke? Stop.
44.Oh, it's Eric Dane!
45.This is intense.
46.Oh my god, Jacob Elordi.
47.That's right, he has a gun.
48.He is not in high school either.
49.The difference between how the police treat Eric Dane and how they treat Beard & Co. is obvious.
50.Oh my god, Beard's been shot!
51.This scene with all the shooting is beautifully done, but it's also so much.
52.Oh, that moment with the laser is gorgeous.
53.Is this Zendaya funeral/play moment a flashback? No, right? It's a dream?
54.I want more Zendaya in this.
55.Oh! Lexi's dad is Eric Dane! Shoot!
56.Who is the other person in the hospital Maude Apatow is seeing?
57.This show is interesting. I don't know why, but I feel like there's very little dialogue. I'm sure that's not true, but it comes off that way.
58.I cannot understand what's real here. Is Zendaya really delivering a eulogy?
59.Oh, now she's little Zendaya. Now she's a child.
60.I like the way this show is playing with flashbacks/fantasies/metaphors; I just wish I knew what was going on.
61.Oh, this is so beautiful. Maybe I should watch Euphoria, LOL.
62.Oh, wait, I get it! Zendaya's watching the play and remembering what really happened! Maybe that was obvious.
63.What if this show were about teaching playwriting?
64.Zendaya is amazing.
65.Zendaya's kind of making this conversation with Maude Apatow about her, right?
66.Wait, I'm confused. Nate was dating Sydney Sweeney, but Sydney Sweeney and Maude Apatow are sisters, and Eric Dane is the father of all of them. So...is there incest happening?
67.Quickly looking back on earlier notes, I realize I still don't know who Mouse is.
68.Lots of blonde women on this show.
69.What is Euphoria about? Like, do these people all have something in common?
70.Now there's an epilogue? Has there been voiceover like this?
71.I thought there were 13 minutes left, but it's over! Turns out the extra time is, like, HBO Max stuff.
72.Feels very much as if it just ends with no climax or anything, but that scene between Zendaya and Jules(?) was probably a huge moment.
73.Drake is an executive producer???
Okay! I did it. That's the Season 2 finale of Euphoria.
WOW! This show is...a vibe. It's very dark! And a lot. There's a lot. Feels like it's probably draining. I will definitely watch it, LOL. I'm in for some fun times!
Share This Article
TV and Movies
Get all the best moments in pop culture & entertainment delivered to your inbox.