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75 Thoughts You Have During Your Family's Holiday Gathering


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SloCoast Journal / Via

1. All I have to do is make it through the next five hours with these relatives I only see once a year.

2. Maybe I've gotten better at engaging in small-talk since last year.

3. Nope, that was pretty awkward.

4. I could just stand in the kitchen by the food for the majority of the party.

5. That's not weird, right?

6. I wonder if my younger cousins think I'm cool.

7. Are those kids even my younger cousins?

8. Why aren't they still infants?

9. What happened to them?

10. Which reminds me, I wonder if everyone noticed I made it out of my awkward phase?

11. I wonder what time we're eating dinner.

12. Will I be sitting at the kids' table again this year?

13. Because, legally, I'm an adult.

14. My oldest cousin Derek was sitting at the adult table when he was just 14.

15. When will it be my turn, Derek?

16. Oh here comes my uncle's girlfriend's daughter.

17. Why can't I remember her name?

18. Damn, why is she so good at small-talk?

19. My grandma is going to like my uncle's girlfriend's daughter more than me, now.

20. Actually, she probably already did to begin with.

21. I wonder if my grandma got me a present.

22. One time she forgot my name, but not my present.

23. I wouldn't even be mad if she didn't give me a present, because I'm a good grandchild.

24. But she has given me some pretty solid giftcards in the past...

25. Where is my mom?

26. Ah, she's over there drinking with her sister, Janet.

27. Aunt Janet probably has some good gossip on the other relatives.

28. For someone who claims to hate drama, I thrive on family secrets.

29. I wonder what secrets Aunt Janet knows about me.

30. Oh shit, I didn't come up with a cover story for being single this year.

31. Maybe I can lie and say I have a boyfriend.

32. Or should I lie and say I'm gay?

33. Wait, what if I am gay?

34. Uncle Robert would not be cool with that.

35. I've never liked him, anyway.

36. Can everyone read my thoughts right now?

37. Because if you guys are listening, disregard my last five thoughts.

38. Oh, good, we're finally going to have dinner.

39. Now's my chance to claim my spot at the adult table!

40. But wait, we're using place cards this year?

41. And my name isn't at the adult table.

42. But whose name is?

43. F*cking Derek.

44. And my uncle's girlfriend's daughter?

45. It's fine. I'd rather sit with my younger cousins at the kids' table, anyway.

46. Why are they all looking at me like that?

47. Yeah, I'm two feet taller than you and sitting at the kids' table. Scoot over.

48. If this kid attempts one more impression of a Minion voice I am putting my head in the oven.

49. Well, time to put my head in the oven.

50. Okay, we probably won't stay for too much longer once everyone's done eating, right?

52. It only took the adults a mere hour and a half to eat.

53. The kids and I were done 70 minutes ago, but it's all good.

54. I'm not mad.

55. Now all we have to do is open presents, then we can hit the road.

56. Hey! My grandma did get me a present!

57. And I see that she only handed my uncle's girlfriend's daughter a card.

58. Not trying to make assumptions, but I think my grandma values me more than that girl.

59. Time to tear off this wrapping paper and see what my lovely grandma got me.

60. A karaoke machine?

61. From 1992?

62. I wonder if my grandma is still bitter over me quitting choir in 5th grade...

63. I can't sing worth a damn, but I'd be lying if I said a tiny part of me wasn't a little excited for this present.

64. Suck on that, uncle's girlfriend's daughter, because my grandma loves me and my shitty voice.

65. Oh, she put a $100 Target giftcard in your holiday card?

66. That's a nice gift if you like Target, I guess.

67. I've never even heard of Target, haha.

68. Did I just laugh in my head? I didn't know I could do that.

69. Aunt Janet is smashed right now.

70. I wish I was Aunt Janet.

71. Well, I think it's time we duck out of here.

72. I hope my mom doesn't make me say individual goodbyes to everyone.

73. Of course she does.

74. Alright, 24 awkward hugs later and I'm finally headed to the car!

75. Only 365 more days until next year's holiday gathering, where I will be seated next to Derek and my uncle's girlfriend's daughter at the adult table.

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