1. We love peeing in our pants.
Imagine sitting in a steamy jacuzzi while you’re wearing a bunny soft cashmere robe. You’re riding a unicorn at the same time and it’s feeding you factory fresh candy corn. That’s what it feels like to pee in your pants. Freedom. Luxury. Warmth. Yes, it’s followed by an ice cold reality as the urine chills but we’ll let you handle that.
2. We tune out your angry voice.
When you start talking between clenched teeth like a Disney witch or raise your voice all we hear is static. Some of us hear a sound that resembles old fashioned internet dial-up noise. Feel free to try again when you’ve calmed down.
3. We hate being treated like puppets.
“Say goodbye to that random shop owner!” “Show my friends that funny thing you do!”
I’m a person not an ego prop. Knock it off. If you were to provide M&Ms as some sort of engagement incentive that would be a different story entirely.
4. We know where your keys are.
And the remote. And the debit card. And your checkbook. Don’t worry. They’re all in a safe place. Plus you look so cute when you’re searching. You’re getting warmer! Warmer! No, cold. Much colder. LOL!
5. We don’t care about other toddlers.
Please stop introducing us to other kids our age. Do you make friends based on height? Did you choose your closest confidants based on developmental milestones? Was your inner circle decided based on a common shoe size?
Referring to everyone in our age bracket as “friends” is as annoying as it is presumptuous.
6. We know you eat second dinner.
It only takes a couple times of coming downstairs after bedtime and seeing you scramble to hide take-out, popcorn, pizza, chips, or whatever it is you’re binging on to know you eat a second meal without us. Serving your toddler a spinach, rice, and eggplant casserole and then ordering pepperoni pizza after you’ve put him to bed is how you turn children into enemies.
One question: HOW DARE U?
7. I wish you were more like grandma.
No offense, but if I had to choose between you two, I’d send you packing. Feel free to visit us anytime (call ahead, we’re busy).
Grandma has got her parenting game on lock and you… well. Maybe if you ask her nicely she’ll give you some free courses on how to love a child. Hint: More cake. Less jibber jabber.