25 Things Anglophiles Should Really Know About Britain

It’s not all Hogwarts castles and ‘cute accents’ you know.

1. We might be a tiny, cute little island, but we’re also ridiculously congested.

There are clearly far too many of us. That much is obvious any time you try to get onto a multi-storey car park on a Saturday.

2. Most of our small towns are shit and everyone wants to get out of them.

They have a Greggs, a leisure centre and a few local drunks. Tourists never see this pebble-dashed side of Britain.

3. A lot of British schools are 1960s-built prisons stuffed full of asbestos.

If you want to go to school in a place that looks even a little bit like Hogwarts you need a lot of money. The rest of us end up here.

4. Our newspapers are either aggressively left or painfully right and everything-phobic. There is no in between.

Would you like a side of balance and moderation with your breakfast? Well, you can’t have it.

5. If you fancy educating yourself and improving your life beyond the age of eighteen…

HERE, HAVE A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF DEBT.

6. Every town and city centre is like an unsupervised zoo on Saturday nights.

You’ve not known hell until you’ve stood in a taxi queue that has its own bouncer at 4am in the middle of November.

7. Primark. Just…Primark.

It brings out the worst in people, it really does.

8. Our ‘innate politeness’ is a myth, we’re just good at ignoring each other.

You could be on fire on public transport and no one would make eye contact with you.

9. The way our country’s run is kind of ridiculous.

An MP is ‘held hostage’, the cellars of Parliament are searched for gun powder that isn’t there, the Queen makes a speech, and because of something Charles I did once we now pretend to not let some guy into Parliament for purely ceremonial reasons. This happens every year at the opening of the Houses of Parliament for no real reason whatsoever.

10. The rain and the cold is not fun.

Britain: home of the Vitamin D deficiency.

11. Our ability to create pointless celebrities is second only to the US.

We like exactly the same reality crap, there’s nothing particularly high-brow about the majority of British TV. Sherlock blah blah Downton Abbey blah quality programming blah. YES, I know, but change channel to ITV2 and you get an entirely different experience.

12. THIS SHOW

No explanation really needed.

13. London’s cool, right?!

Yeah, if you have a lot of money.

14. Our accents are varied and sometimes extreme.

Hearing ‘Alright, love’ shouted at you in some parts of Britain isn’t as pleasant as you might think.

15. Also, you should know that brandishing the England flag at any time that isn’t during the World Cup makes you look like a racist.

I don’t make the rules. That’s just the way it is now.

16. Okay, there are some pretty good things about Britain too.

Dame Judi, for example.

17. Most of our countryside does actually look like this.

Photo Credit: floato via Compfight cc

Ah, breathe it in.

18. Don’t believe what people say about British food either.

We’re actually pretty shit hot at the old Michelin star game.

19. Great literature? That’s definitely our thing.

There are way too many great people to mention, but basically we’ve got every mood, style, form and century covered.

20. We like a drink, which you could say is a good thing. We’re fun folk.

The Irish do beat us at this though, along with Gaelic football it’s their national sport.

21. We pride ourselves on our sense of humour.

Obviously.

22. A BRIT BASICALLY INVENTED THE INTERNET.

This is Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the WORLD WIDE WEB INVENTOR.

23. We spread the world’s greatest meal, afternoon tea, around the world.

Colonialism should really have just been about bringing scones and Earl Grey to other nations. They should have stopped there.

24. And I suppose everyone else seems to love us because of Doctor Who and stuff.

Is it bad that we’re known for our TV more than anything else?

25. So if you put the council estates and the crap Prime Ministers and the drizzle to one side…

…Britain’s actually not that bad. ‘Alright’, at a push.

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