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13 Things That Would Be Different If You Had Another Bar/Bat Mitzvah Today

Mazel Tov! After months of Hunger Games level training sessions with your Cantor & hours of brainstorming the ultimate party theme, you're gonna be an Adult (Again)!

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Remember when people said you're so grown up now and seem like you're 13 going on 30 and you laughed because that seemed like a lifetime away? After years of being haunted by horrible pictures in pastel dresses, nerve damage from falling off of the chair during the Hora, & bags full of custom yarmulke's, here we are once again! Still don't feel like an adult? Just wait!

1. Say Goodbye to the Hebrew Hammer & Hello to the #HebrewHashtag

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Guess What, Chaverim? This B. Mitz 'bout to be Live Tweeted #JourneyToAdulthood. Just be sure to watch out for the Temple Usher (If you can't find her, look for an old lady in a pantsuit, weird hat, and short hair cut) because she sure is gonna plotz when she see's the entire congregation adding your dope Bimah walk to their Snapchat Story. Maybe if you're lucky, you'll get Retweeted by Jewish Boy Problems or The Fat Jewish. Get your witty afterparty themed hashtags ready cause if it's not on Instagram did it even happen? (Don't forget to check if your filters are Pareve)

2. Don't Forget the Jew Swag

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This is everything. Remember going to school on Monday after your big weekend and seeing Red Sea of Bar/Bat Mitzvah apparel with your name on it part as you floated down the hallway? So epic that some schools don't allow that to happen anymore. So what? Did Jonah call it quits while he was chilling in the belly of that whale? No, sir! It's time to bring your fashion game to legendary proportions. Gone are the days where a witty BM T-Shirt slogan was enough to suffice. You've got to make sure that your apparel is gonna make all the non-invitee's on the walk of shame, Sunday morning, jealous that they don't have something to change into. Call your hipster friends and get your Pinterest board ready because you're about to be the next fashion trend.

3. Do You Even Lift Torah, Bro?

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Forget the beach bod and start working on your Torah-carrying physique, children of Israel, 'cause that's one heavy scroll. It's quite the feat to carry the Torah all the way around the synagogue without dropping it but don't get cocky, Broseph & the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat, cause you're about to get real schvitz-y up in here. You know the consequences by now. If you drop the Torah, run, don't walk, to the nearest exit because someone was recording that and you're going to be a YouTube viral sensation faster than you can say Bar Refaeli. 40 days is a long time to fast so get your scrawny tuchus to the nearest JCC and speed walk around that track like it's nobodies business. If you need some motivation download a cool Dance Remix of the Torah Torah Song!

4. The Only Grind-Line Will Be the One For the Buffet


Pop, Lox, and Drop your way to the fancy bagel brunch that follows your legendary service. Look at that table piled high with bagels, it could probably sustain your spirit for 40 years. If anyone dare refer to lox as smoked salmon, feel free to show their loxtose-intolerant self to the exit, because that sort of disrespect is not allowed in this house of worship. Treat Yo' Self to some mysteriously delicious white fish for surviving the service without crying!

A Jewish gathering would be nothing without a feast. Now the moment we've all been waiting for, party food! And you can bet your Bottom Shekel, it's gonna be a kids buffet for everyone. You are never too old for Chicken Nuggets & Pigs in a Tallit! Hope you got your t-shirt with a cool airbrush design in size XXL cause you're about to go Brisket on this buffet (I'd say HAM, but 9 out of 10 of your local Rabbi's thinks that's a bit sacrilegious).

5. (Eliya)Who do you know here?

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This, of course, will be an exclusive, VIP-access only event. No one will be getting a pity invite to round 2 of your graduation into Jewish Adulthood. Security will be tighter than an AEPi Frat House Party on a Friday Night (shame on you sinners for going out on Shabbos). This isn't some second rate get-together, this is your Bar/Bat Mitzvah and you'll kick people out if you want to. You pride yourself on being surrounded by an elite group of Maccabee Children, so don't go lowering your standards. It's all about the invitation, you've got to raise the bar and set the expectations for what's about to go down in Jew Town. You could go for the new trend of video invitations, but maybe that's not for you. Just make sure that you announce to the peasants of the world that you will be Cha-Cha Sliding your way down Electric Avenue as you present yourself as a Jewish Adult (once again). Who cares if it's the second time around? As your little cousins won't let you forget, First is the Worst, Second is the Best, so hold on to your Tzitzit, party people, because this celebration is going to be of legendary proportions.

6. In Lieu of Gifts, Please Make a Donation Directly To My Bank Account

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That's right, Cash or Check will be accepted to this non-tax-deductable Tzedakah. Customary increments of $18 are appreciated & noted but not required. For anyone that thinks in Shekels, make sure they're aware of the conversion rate. Stop phoning it in, everyone knows that you're up to your Peyus in debt. This is a no Bond's allowed shindig. Sorry, Creepy Uncle that no one talks to except at family occasions, you'll have to get more creative than that. This YJP (Young Jewish Professional) is trying to bring home the Brisket (once again... saying Bacon feels like sacrilege).

7. Shout out to Abba and Ima

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It's time to give credit where credit is due. Take a look at your original Bar/Bat Mitzvah pictures, now pick up the phone and call your parents and thank them for loving you even though you looked like that. This is definitely the way to go. Let's pause for a second and have a heart-to-heart/burning-bush moment real quick: Could your parents actually give a long, heartfelt speech about your accomplishments that make them proud thus far in life? I mean, it's already a Channukkah Miracle that you have enough bullet points besides working at Jew Camp to make your resume is a page long. Ok, now that we got that out of the way, you know that there are plenty of other reasons your very own Abraham and Sarah deserve a shout out. A pretty good one is that it's #5 of the Ten Commandments. Seriously, where would you be without them? Probably in bed watching Netflix or the Rugrats Passover Episode on repeat. This speech better be good because if you make them mad, who else will call you every morning to remind you to wear a jacket?

8. Smile for the Selfie Sign-In Board

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Any time you and the squad get dressed up is an opportunity for a new Profile Picture and you got your braces off for the weekend & it's about to go down. We all know that the entire slideshow will be filled with selfies anyways. If you want to look like you're not taking a selfie, slap a camera onto the end of the Yad and you'll be in the clear. Selfies are the new autograph, so if you want proof your friends showed up for your big day a Selfie Sign in Board is your best bet. Also, don't forget to trade in your glowsticks for a selfie stick cause now you can rest assured everyone is pointing at you in the traditional "point at the newest adult in the room," picture or they'll get called out right away!

9. If you're a Jew, Come Light Candle #2 & Sit Back Down Cause I Hate You

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Getting to light a candle is truly a high honor. It's basically the equivalent to getting knighted but into your very own Ride or Die gang. Or getting a rose on the Bachelor(ette). Or Finding the Afikomen. Or opening presents on Christmas Morning (I can only assume). It's a big deal, OK? Not just anyone gets a carefully crafted poem written about them to show affection. It's time to channel your inner Aubrey Graham and get rhymin'. No way is that lil' shiksa who was only nice to you to get invited to your first BM, getting to light a candle this time. It's gonna be a tough task sifting through all of your Facebook Friends and LinkedIn Connections to make sure you don't miss any of the V.I.C's (Very Important Candlelighters) (Also, the genius behind prolific BMitz songs 'Wobble' and 'Get Silly'). Getting to light a candle is like winning the Jew Crew Lottery. Be selective this time around because these are the commissaries you'll charge with, full force into the bright future known as real life adulthood.

10. If It Hadn't Been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd Been Bar/Bat Mitzvahed a Long Time Ago


Line Dances? That's a No. Most Importantly, The YMCA is banned. Time to Hire Boys II Menorah to Write the Next Bat Mitzvah Viral Hit: The JCC. Get ready for some Nebbish-y NJB's to shake what their mama gave them while the all-star JAP's (Jewish American Princess) will be showing off their best moves from their Sorority's winning Airband routine. Better start stretching because Werewolf Bar Mitzvah is about to come on and you don't want to pull a muscle! It's about to get real primal on the dance floor, think of this performance as a mating call to court a potential Bear Jew or Jewess. Finally, you'll be able to put those poppin' Israeli dance moves you learned in Hebrew School and at Sleep Away Camp to use.

11. "Just Hold On We're Goin' Shalom" -Drake

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We used to only have a select crew of Jewish Heros to idolize like Natalie Portman, Sean Paul (it's true, look it up), and Golda Meir. The big man upstairs has heard all of your Western Wall Notes and has responded by blessing us with the one and only Drizzy Drake himself. Cue up your Drizzy Keyboard and start typing your Dvar Torah because you may only live once but now you're getting a second shot at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Maybe if you're lucky Nicki Minaj will join in on Hava Negila. Oh and if your party entrance song isn't to Drake, your nickname should be 'Hebrew School' cause you're boring & I don't understand you.

12. Sorry Coke & Pepsi, But We'll Be Playing Gin & Jews


Say Good-Bye to Bar Mitzvah Games and Jewish Mocktails like Shomer Negiah on the Beach, Yamakazi's, & Hava Neglia Hold the Tequila. We'll be stepping it up with some light Networking & a hearty round of speed dating! Just Kidding. (but that kind of sounds like a Jewish Mothers Wet Dream, No?). Fear not, my young Jewbacca's, there will be Booze for the Jews.

Activities include:

-Jewish Geography: Connect the dots, take a shot!

-Dizzy Dreidel: A festive twist on the timeless classic known as Dizzy Bat!

-Tequila Gedolah: Start drinking and someone will yell a question, once you think of your answer, stop drinking and immediately shout it out!

-And last but not least, a congregation favorite, Manischewitz Pong!

13. Snowball was the Original JDate


Forget Tinder or J-Swipe, the Snowball was the original date and dash technique. Pure relief or eternal sadness reverberated when the prolific "SNOWBALL" was announced by the overly enthusiastic DJ. Pre-pubescent Pheromones permeated the dance floor as world's collided when Camp Friends and School Friends held each other and swayed, cautiously standing 3-feet apart to ensure there would be room for HaShem.

Now that you're planning B-Mitzvah 2.0 your mom can stop with the passive aggressive comments about finding a NJB (Nice Jewish Boy) at the JCC or a NJG (Nice Jewish Girl) who has a grandparent at your Bubbie's old people resort. Ladies, grab your mismatched neon socks, and Fellas, unbutton your shirts and tie your ties around your heads, cause the next song is Matchmaker & you're about to get matched! Fret not college friends, this one's for you! RSVP-ing just got a lot more romantic because the party planner will be playing double duty as a matchmaker. Just think about all of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah's you attended and all of the potential Jewish soulmates you missed out on! If you can't lock one down one weekend, there's always the next weekend and remember There's Plenty of Gefilte Fish in the Sea.

Yasher Koach!


Remember, it can only go up from the last one, so grab your blow up musical instruments and plastic, Jewish bling-bling and rock out with your Yad out. Counter to deep-seeded self-denial/doubt, you really are an adult now! Shalom in the Home, Keep it Kosher & Mazel Tov, once again!

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