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Capitalism Win: The Soviet Union Finally Collapsed And No One Is Freaking Out About It

Proof that freedom always wins

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It happened in December 1991 when The Soviet Union, the second most powerful nation and America’s #1 rival suddenly collapsed. The entire world knew about it, which is pretty embarrassing for The Soviet Union. I might even feel a little bad for them if they weren’t blood sucking Communists on a mission to steal every newborn baby in the United States. As an American journalist, I have the capacity to telepathically communicate with Ex-President Ronald Reagan, as does every American citizen, naturally. All Americans can use their minds to talk to the current president as well as the presidents from the past, even the dead ones. Upon giving Ex-President Reagan the news telepathically, he was ecstatic.

“We did it boys,” the ex-president said through tears, “we did it.” Why he referred to me as ‘boys’ I do not know, and when questioning him on it the only response was muffled, overjoyed sobbing for twenty minutes. So the Soviet Union dissolved, that much was obvious, but I wanted answers. I set about interviewing anyone who could help me understand the demise of the Union. The first person I went to was Mikhail Gorbachev, who was there when the Union collapsed. I asked him the million dollar question on everyone’s mind; what happened?

“Well, I don’t know. I just said ‘Hey guys, maybe we should be able to say what we want without fearing our government? And maybe we should, like, fix our economy?’ and the people of my country were like ‘Yeah, we should!’, and then they all started crying and yelling and throwing things. Then I got kidnapped and people cried and yelled some more and threw more things. All in all it was pretty wild.” Gorbachev explained. I was getting the idea. Now that I had a clearer picture of the events, I talked to experts in politics from varying countries. Not telepathically, of course. It was quite the hassle. When I asked how the collapse of the Soviet Union was changing things, the responses I got were very similar.

“Oh. That’s over? Oh. That’s cool, I guess.” was the majority of answers I got.

“Our dream is dead and life is meaningless now.” are a few responses I heard as well.

“I’m very upset and very poor.” said people from Cuba.

“No one cares about us anymore.” said people from Africa.

“I’m mostly just confused. I don’t understand.” said many people from North-East Asia.

There you have it, folks. The Cold War is over, the terrible dream of Communism reigning over the world is dead, and a very small amount of people care about any of this.

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