1. "Whit's fir ye'll no go by ye." – You'll probably never get a job but I thought I should at least try to cheer you up.
2. "Did ye aye?" – I know you're talking shite.
3. "A wee birdie told me…" – Your siblings have grassed you up yet again.
4. "Beggars cannae be choosers." – If you don't eat this I'll throw a strop.
5. "If you eat yer crusts yer hair'll go curly!" – Please for the love of god clean your plate so I don't have to do as much washing up.
6. "There's fruit in the bowl." – I don't care that you're hungry.
7. "Dinner's ready." – Dinner won't be ready for 40 minutes. Please sit and wait.
8. "I havnae sat down all day!" – Apart from to watch Loose Women for several hours.
9. "Och, it's like Blackpool Illuminations in here." – One light is on.
10. "Are ye even watching this?" – I know you are, but I want to watch Corrie.
11. "Och, ah dinnae ken." – Leave me alone while I watch Corrie.
12. "Good afternoon." – You slept until 2pm. I will shame you for it.
13. "De ye think this hoose cleans itself?" – There's one tiny bit of dust on the floor.
14. "What's for dinner? Shit with sugar on." – We're probably getting a takeaway.
15. "Who's that at this time?" – The phone is ringing and I think you're psychic.
16. "All ma money goes on you." – Apart from all the magazines and pinot grigio.
17. "Did ye get lost?" – You've been 30 seconds longer than I thought you'd be.
18. "Can you help me for two minutes?" – Can you help me for several hours?
19. "Put a jaiket on." – I'll only put the heating on if there's a new ice age, and even then it'll be on a one-hour timer.
22. "Dinnae fash yersel'." – Don't bother, you'll just mess it up anyway.
23. "You're looking awfy peely-wally." – I am going to force-feed you vitamins for weeks.
24. "Lang may yer lum reek." – I'm saying this because it's New Year, but I have no idea what it actually means.
25. "I'm just away oot for my messages." – I'm off to town where I will stop to speak to 103,930 other women, and then buy a pint of milk.
26. "Am gonnae wallap ye wan!" – I'm not going to hit you, but I am a tad miffed.
27. "Wake up, it's 8.30!" – It is at least an hour earlier than this, I just wanted to stress you out.
28. "Ken this..." – I'm about to go on the longest rant of all time.
29. "Hi hen, it's me." – I don't think you can recognise your own mum's voice.
30. "Ye treat this place like a hotel." – You very occasionally forget to wash up.
31. "I've seen it all before." – I have literally no respect for your privacy.
32. "Nobody does anything in this house apart fae me." – I don't give anybody else the chance to do anything, because I like complaining.
33. "You'll just do what you want anyway." – I can't be arsed to give you advice.
34. "What did your last slave die of?" – I can't be arsed to pass you the remote.
35. "Dinny greet or I’ll give you something to greet about." – I ran out of sympathy when you were about 2 years old.
36. "Do you want a cuppa?" – Please go and make me a cuppa.
37. "Gonnae no drink too much. Drive safe. Is your phone on flight mode? Be careful. Have ye got sunscreen? Take a jumper." – I love you.