1. Do you want to pay a hefty fee for this Mayfair studio...
• The bed comes out of that cupboard in the living room.
• Truly amazing kitchen that somehow seems to feature a wooden dishwasher.
...buy Glenavon Manor in Linlithgow?
• It's just 20 minutes from Edinburgh and has a tennis court and croquet lawn.
• Also features "Jacobean detailing", so you can pretend you're Henry VIII or something.
2. Would you like this flat in Dalston...
• Also comes with a licence to run the social club and restaurant downstairs.
• Free shopping trolley!
...this six-bedroom detached mansion in Skelmorlie?
• Has a pool, Jacuzzi, sauna, and gym.
• It's only 36 miles from Glasgow, so you could still have a job and make money.
3. Do you want this high-rise flat in Fulham...
• The flat is on the 12th floor, so you do get a decent view.
• Assuming a 10% deposit and a 3% interest rate, your mortgage would be about £4,246 per month.
...The Old Manse of Blair in Bruar?
• "Equestrian property" in Perth and Kinross with nine acres of land and space for a herd of horses.
• It's basically the Dowager Countess of Grantham's house from Downton Abbey.
4. Do you want to hand over £1.1 million for this boxy maisonette in Kensington...
• Black furniture to match your black mood after spending so much money on a flat.
• Lovely balcony that seems to be covered in damp carpet tiles.
...buy Glenarch House in Edinburgh?
• Eighteenth-century mansion in the leafy suburb of Eskbank.
• It also has three greenhouses, ornamental gardens, outbuildings, and a barn. It's basically a small village.
5. Want to shell out for this small houseboat in Wandsworth...
• This converted oil tanker has apparently been designed "with art collectors in mind", i.e., it has big walls.
• Would it be cheaper if you sailed it farther away from central London?
...buy Crombie House in Aberdeen?
• Crombie is a "Passive House": an ultra-low energy building with a reduction in heating costs of up to 90%.
• Looks a bit like something you'd build on The Sims.
6. Would you like this compact flat on Johns Wood Road...
• View of a lovely brick wall from your living room-kitchen hybrid.
• Generic Ikea artwork included in the price.
...Ruchlaw House in East Lothian?
• Has a tennis court, private woodland, and five reception rooms.
• Only a 45-minute drive from Edinburgh, so you're not exactly in the middle of nowhere.
7. Fancy buying this terraced house in Clapton...
• The exterior is pretty shabby, but it's nice and colourful inside.
• Period bedroom.
...Ladyland House in Kilbirnie?
• A "bewitching" A-listed Georgian mansion with 12 acres of land.
• Kitchen looks like something out of a Nigella Lawson cookbook.
8. Would you like this ground-floor flat in Marylebone...
• The snazzy rug and furniture come with the flat.
• Really relaxing "sitting in a shop window" vibe.
...this giant house in Edinburgh?
• Three stories high and has a basement, three reception rooms, and four bathrooms.
• It backs onto the pretty Corstorphine Hill nature reserve, so you can pretend you're in the countryside.
9. Fancy buying this "opportunity to create a garden flat" in West Hampstead...
Bedrooms: None yet
• Looks a bit like a hipster restaurant.
• Just a shell, so it's only worth buying if you're good at building garden flats.
...Embo House in Sutherland?
• The ancestral seat of the Gordon family, descendants of the Earls of Sutherland.
• Has six bathrooms, a library, chandeliers, a sun terrace, and a wine cellar. Plus, crucially, it's already been built.