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    Posted on Sep 1, 2016

    9 Ways To Hide Your Pregnancy From Your Boss

    No one will suspect a thing if you're always dressed as a Death Star.

    Around 54,000 women in the UK lose their jobs each year after becoming pregnant. But that's fine!! No woman should have the right to put their own needs before the needs of good, honest British companies.

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    According to the Equality and Human Rights Commission, some of these women are made redundant during pregnancy or maternity leave, others are moved to a junior role on reduced pay, and some are bullied and harassed into leaving.

    So, to help all you women out there, we've put together these tips to help you hide your pregnancy from your boss, and keep your job into the bargain. Enjoy!

    1. Schedule a charity fancy dress event for every single day of your pregnancy.

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    No one will suspect a thing if you’re always dressed as a Death Star.

    2. Distract colleagues from your bump by doing tricks.

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    Your second trimester is the perfect time to take up parkour.

    3. Force everyone to work in total darkness by pretending that you're constantly hungover.

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    If they complain, punch them, then cry. You'll still be considered more reasonable and employable than you would be if you told them you were pregnant.

    4. Blame your baby bump on excess flab.

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    They'll never suspect a thing, especially if you spend your lunch break eating pies and drinking cream.

    5. Or, if you have a male boss, tell him your pregnancy is actually a mysterious, unseemly "lady issue."

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    He'll run a fucking mile.

    6. Leaving work early to go to antenatal classes is a huge no-no, so use Yahoo! Answers instead.

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    Everyone knows that Yahoo! Answers is an excellent source of pregnancy info.

    7. You won't be able to take any time off work to give birth, so consider building a nest in a supply closet.

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    You can make a surprisingly comfortable bed out of shredded HR policy documents, foam packaging pellets, and staples.

    8. You won't be able to take maternity leave either, so disguise your baby as a new colleague instead.

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    If it's a boy baby, he'll probably get paid more than you, which is a handy bonus.

    9. And remember ladies, our most reliable tip is to simply not become pregnant at all.

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    Cement your unmentionables shut with Pollyfilla if you have to. After all, everyone knows that babies aren't nearly as important as regional sales figures.

    All joking aside, if you've been affected by pregnancy discrimination, there are organisations who can help you. Contact Maternity Action for advice in the UK, or the National Partnership for Women and Families in the US.

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