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59 Things All Edinburgh People Find Mildly Annoying About The Festival

"No, I don't want to come to your ironic meninist reinterpretation of Pride and Prejudice, thanks."

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1. Fucking hell, is it August again?

2. It was just August the other day, surely.

3. No, it’s definitely August. Every available flat surface is covered in posters for shows.

4. Why do all male comedians have the same haircut?

5. Do they go into barbershops and say, “I’ll have the 2009 Jack Whitehall again today, I think”?

6. And why do they all lean to one side in their posters too?

7. Have they got inner ear problems?

8. Oh no, that’s totally fine, tourists. Yeah, just walk in the middle of the road.

9. Being hit by cars and buses doesn’t actually hurt you when you’re on holiday. It’s a fact.

10. Oh great, someone’s just flagged down the bus to ask for directions to the castle.

11. That’s the fifth time in about 10 minutes.

12. No, it’s OK. We don’t need to get to work. No one works in Edinburgh. It’s fine.

13. How do bus drivers put up with it? I think I’d murder someone.

14. They’ve decided to get on. Don’t get out a £50 note. Don’t get out a £50 note. Don’t get out a £50…fuck.

15. Didn’t they see the “no change” sign?

16. Should I just give them some money? It’s definitely worth £1.60 to not be late for work for the third day in a row.

17. Ah, they’ve found enough 5ps for the fare. It’s a miracle.

18. How is it only the 7th of August? It feels like the festival has been going on for a year already.

19. Shit, the flyerers are out earlier than usual today.

20. I’ll pull my sleeves over my hands. Then they’ll think I don’t have hands and feel too awkward to try and give me a flyer.

21. No, that didn’t work. I felt too much social pressure to take it anyway.

22. I should just be really fierce and shout “NO THANK YOU, I LIVE HERE.”

23. Or, you know, just accept each flyer with a grimace and then chuck it in the recycling bin at the end of the road, as is traditional.

24. Wow, there are a lot of drama students wandering around.

25. I should have gone into business printing black hoodies with the words UNIVERSITY FOOTLIGHTS on the back, and selling them to posh girls with messy buns.

26. Would have made a fortune.

27. Oh, they’re offering me a flyer for their weird, shit show. Awkward.

28. “An ironic meninist reinterpretation of Pride and Prejudice.” Another one for the recycling bin.

29. Would anyone actually go and see a random am-dram student show? During the biggest arts festival in the world? Like, who shows up to these things?

30. Drunk tourists, obviously. That’s who shows up to all the things.

31. I should probably go and see some stuff, actually.

32. After all, some of it looks really cool. Like this flyer for an all-female version of Ocean’s Eleven starring Lorraine Kelly.

33. Wait, hang on. £22 a ticket? Fucking hell. Are you kidding, Lorraine?

34. What happened to Fringe shows being around £5 a ticket? Bloody inflation.

35. Still, there’s always the free Fringe. Some of those shows are...OK. Ish.

36. Urgh but what about the ones that aren’t OK? I could end up stuck in a stuffy pub basement listening to a man play his own pubes like a violin.

37. I’ll just play it safe and go and see that one comedian I like who's always bloody here.

38. Like, aren’t they supposed to graduate to panel shows after two years?

39. Lol, a pedicab driver just tried to offer me a ride.

40. No thanks, mate. I’d rather not spend £25 to travel 14 feet.

41. Why is that tourist standing in the middle of the road taking a picture of Boots?

42. Will he go back home and show it to his relatives? “Look at this exotic pharmacy I saw on my travels through Scotland.”

43. He just got in that pedicab. Of course he did. Amazing.

44. Shit, now I really am late for work. And there’s a troupe of Japanese Noh performers from the International Festival in my way.

45. Their costumes are so amazing though. Totally going to Instagram them and pretend I didn’t find them really aggravating.

46. “Edinburgh is so amazing! Totally lucky to live here. #festival #amazing #blessed #culture #wouldntwanttoliveanywhereelse.”

47. Need to get some cash out for my lunch.

48. Hmm, no cash in this machine.

49. No cash in that machine either. Shit. Thanks, tourists.

51. The festival has clearly outgrown this city. They should relocate it to somewhere really big, dull, and empty that can handle large numbers of people.

52. Wales, maybe. Or Milton Keynes.

53. Aw no, but I’d miss it if it stopped.

54. It’s really bloody annoying and crowded, but it’s ours.

55. And imagine how rubbish my Instagram game would be without all these street performers.

56. Not to mention the cool street food. Three pounds for Vietnamese banh mi served from a vintage circus wagon? Don’t mind if I do.

57. And what would my favourite comedian do without her yearly Fringe income? They’re never going to let her on 8 Out of 10 Cats, poor thing.

58. Hmm, now I come to think of it, I actually really love the festival.

59. But if one more tourist asks me for directions I am going to seriously lose my fucking shit.

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