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Here's What You Learn When You've Lived In Edinburgh For Five Years

There's never a good reason to go to Dunfermline.

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1. Climbing Arthur's Seat always seems like a good idea at the time; it never is.

2. Even if pull your sleeves over your hands and repeatedly scream "I WAS IN AN ACCIDENT" you'll still be handed flyers during the Festival.

3. The Free Fringe is definitely overpriced.

4. You know what a post-apocalyptic version of Edinburgh would look like because you've walked down The Cowgate on a Saturday night.

5. And tried to go shopping on Princes Street the final weekend before Christmas.

6. Only tourists and people who like fancy vinegar go to Victoria Street.

7. Walking around Morningside is a great way to make yourself feel depressed about the fact you'll never own a house.

8. "Picnic" means shivering around a disposable barbecue on the Meadows.

9. On the one hot day of the year, every single outdoor space will look like it's covered in snow; it's just a carpet of incredibly pale people.

10. 99% of all "house" parties actually take place in a dusty tenement stairwell.

11. If you wake up in Pilton after a night out, you know things got out of hand.

12. Chippy sauce is definitely a superfood.

13. But deep-fried haggis is something that should only be tried once.

14. If you'd like to know what Milton Keynes town centre looked like in 1966, you should go to the foot of Leith Walk.

15. Hibs and Hearts fans secretly love each other, but they don't like anyone pointing this out.

16. The only music shop you'll ever need is Hog's Head on Clerk Street. Or possibly Fopp.

17. If an area is described as "up-and-coming", it's probably on fire or underwater.

18. And if you see "full of character" on a rental ad, they mean it's full of mice. Not character. Mice.

19. You will not, and can not, ever get warm in a flat with sash windows.

20. So you'll get really good at filling the inevitable gap at the top with scarves, toilet paper, and old socks.

21. It's cheaper (and more effective) to move into a fifth or sixth floor tenement flat than it is to get a gym membership.

22. It takes fucking ages for a Lothian Bus to actually get anywhere.

23. Mainly because all the bus stops are only about 30 seconds apart.

24. But you feel weirdly suspicious of First Buses, so you always let them sail past.

25. Trams don't actually go anywhere at all. They're basically just a fun ride that cost around £1 billion to build.

26. And everyone is still really fucking angry about them.

27. If you try and park your car pretty much anywhere at all, it will immediately impounded by traffic wardens, crushed, and returned to you in tiny pieces.

28. The same goes for driving in a bus lane.

29. Getting a taxi is something you can only ever do in groups of six, and even then it still costs you £10 each for an eight-minute journey.

30. If you're a cyclist, you can't bike anywhere without having a heated row with a taxi driver.

31. If you're a pedestrian, you can never, ever cross the road without being taken out by a furious cyclist.

32. If you want overseas phone cards, weird furniture or some craft beer served up by a bearded hipster, you should definitely go to Leith Walk.

33. The main purpose of the Beltane Fire Festival is to give drunk teenagers somewhere dimly-lit to hump outdoors.

34. The Royal Yacht Britannia is basically just a big crèche you can put your mum in for a couple of hours while you go shopping at Ocean Terminal.

35. 90% of the Edinburgh population works for Scottish Widows.

36. 9% work at the IPSOS MORI call centre on Leith Links.

37. The other 1% either runs a juice bar, or an artisanal marshmallow company.

38. The little barrel ride at the Scotch Whisky Experience is legitimately one of the most fun things you can do.

39. There's never a good reason to go to Dunfermline.

40. The same goes for Sighthill (sorry).

41. The Hogmanay street party is incredibly overrated, unless you like dying of hypothermia while a stranger throws up on your legs.

42. The Christmas market is the second most effective way to bankrupt yourself in Edinburgh.

43. The most effective way is to hire one of those little rickshaw things they have at the Festival.

44. Old people call their shopping messages, and no one knows why. You will never stop finding this confusing.

45. Every other bar is also a craft brewery, or only serves beer in half-pints, or both.

46. You're never more than fifteen feet from a Swedish bakery or gin distillery.

47 The buildings in Edinburgh are so beautiful and inspiring they'll totally ruin you for life.

48. Apart from the St. James Centre, obviously. And David Hume Tower.

49. Every new plan to redevelop the old Odeon on Clerk Street will inevitably fail, so there's no point getting excited.

50. You'll always get a bit of a fright when you bump into that tattooed lady with all the piercings.

51. But not as much of a fright as when you see Grant Stott's giant face looming down at you from a panto poster.

52. The A702 ring road is actually the world's largest, and longest, car park.

53. Edinburgh people are kind, but unsentimental. If you want to declare your undying love for one of them, don't be mushy: just give them a firm handshake.

54. In fact, Edinburghers are probably some of the best people in the world.

55. Probably because they live in such an awesome city.

56. And we definitely don't want to change a thing about it.

57. Apart from the fucking taxi prices, of course.

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