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44 Things About England That Make No Fucking Sense To Scots

"Cricket is basically just shit, boring rounders for adults." Discuss.

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1. Your insistence that cucumber sandwiches are a food. You're just joking, right? Sandwiches should contain two things: meat, cheese, or both.

2. And while we're on the subject: cheese with fruit in. Way to ruin a perfectly good lump of saturated fat, guys.

3. The Only Way Is Essex. Is it a reality programme? Is it a soap? Is it a glimpse into a post-apocalyptic future? We can't tell.

4. That whole "Milifandom" thing. What the actual fuck was that about? Ed Miliband looks like a half-melted Wallace and Gromit waxwork, not a heartthrob.

5. Warburtons bread. Why does it never go off? Is it made of plastic? Scottish Plain is way better.

6. And rich tea biscuits. Has there ever been a more joyless, dry, English snack than that? "Oh, I want some kind of biscuit, but I don't want to actually enjoy it."

7. Not to mention Pimm's. What's the point of it? Is it a drink or a salad?

8. And what's with all the "elevenses", "brunch", and "afternoon tea" shite? Call it what it is: Late Breakfast, Early Lunch, Massive Expensive Snack.

9. Every single possible aspect of Morris dancing.


10. Why you're so massively fascinated with what we have under our kilts. It's just a penis, guys. Deal with it.

11. How you cope with only having one day off after New Year. Don't you get two-day hangovers? You should petition David Cameron or something.

12. Why you allowed Mr Blobby to happen. Someone should be put on trial for that.

13. Why you think haggis is weird when you invented steak and kidney pudding: an organ that processes piss, encased in suet. Lovely.

14. Your love affair with Wimbledon. It's just hours and hours of people going "URRRGHGH" and failing to hit a ball in the rain. What's the point?

15. Plus, why are you so hung up on strawberries and champagne? Just have a steak bake and some cava and get the fuck over yourself.

16. Your obsession with cricket. Why do matches go on for three weeks? What the hell is "bad light"? It's basically just shit, boring rounders for adults.

17. And polo, which is basically just weird posh horseback rounders played by minor royals.

18. What the deal is with Earl Grey tea. Smells of cheap perfume, tastes like those sachets your granny used to put in her underwear drawer.

19. Why there are so many bloody antiques programmes on the BBC. This definitely wasn't a Scottish decision. See also: programmes about canals.

20. How you stand the fact that your pubs close at 11pm. Again, you need to petition parliament.

21. Why anyone listens to The Archers. A radio drama about posh people in a twee village? Sorry, too busy watching paint dry to tune in.

22. How any human can survive in London. How do you cope being squished up with other folk all of the time? Worse, squished up with other Londoners?

23. Why you're so polite. "I'm so awfully sorry, you seem to have stepped on my foot." Just shout "get aff my fucking foot ya fud", you'll feel better.

24. Why you seemed to have a collective breakdown when the 5p bag charge came in. It wasn't an attempt to undermine the fabric of English society.

25. Why you insist on calling fruity rolls "teacakes". A teacake is made of chocolate and has marshmallow inside. Get a grip.

26. All of that Keep Calm and Carry On tat. How exactly is it funny? And why is it still a thing? It should never have survived the second world war.

27. The fact you have tea vans for the police. Can they not pop into Greggs? Is this what our Scottish tax money is being spent on?

28. Why you all go so nuts over Nando's. It's just some chicken. It's not nearly as cheeky as a deep-fried cheeseburger.

29. Why the fuck you won't accept our banknotes without an argument. All money is basically imaginary anyway – what does it matter?

30. Why you only choose one thing from a takeaway, instead of everything they sell. Pizza boxes are for holding kebab meat, onion rings, and pakora, not pizza.

31. Why you keep electing the Tories. OK, fine, we elected one, but only in Dumfriesshire, which is practically in England. Seriously, whyyyyy?

32. The fact your shops all shut so early on a Sunday. Is it still 1952 or something?

33. How you can possibly call an English breakfast a "full" breakfast. Where are the tattie scones? Where's the square sausage? Where's the love?

34. Why you have so many names for a simple bread roll. Cob, barm, stotty... Just pick one and go with it. It's seriously confusing.

35. Why the English middle classes are so hung up on etiquette. Does it matter what type of knife you should use first? You live in a semi in Dagenham, not Downton Abbey.

36. Maypole dancing. It just looks like some kind of bizarre child-tangling competition to most of us.

37. Why you wrap up in 15 jumpers and a Barbour jacket at the first sign of cold. Apart from people from Newcastle, of course: They're honorary Scots.

38. Two words: spotted dick. WTF?

39. Why you know so little about Scottish history. Most of you probably think the Highland Clearances are a discount sofa sale in Inverness.

40. Or Scottish geography. We shouldn't have to describe our home town as "250 miles north of Edinburgh". Buy a bloody map.

41. Why English "laddddz" think they're the Archbishops of Banterbury. Our Scottish patter is far better – just check Twitter.

42. Why you call us "Scotch". Do we look like a bloody drink to you?

43. The North-South rivalry thing. You'll all south to us, and you're all fucking weird.

44. And, most importantly: Why you don't all come and live here. It's much nicer, our pubs shut at 1am, and we've got macaroni pies. Join us.