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38 Terrible Things All Scottish People Have Experienced

Getting so badly bitten by midges in summer that you end up looking like a Lion bar.

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1. When it's sunny for once, but you're in work so all you can do is gaze longingly out of the window and imagine what being warm feels like.

2. And when you finish work at 5pm thinking you can at least soak up some evening rays, but it immediately starts to rain.

3. When you go against all of your natural instincts and leave the house without a jacket in spring, and the temperature suddenly drops to -1°C.

4. And when you think "I've learned my lesson" and take a jacket with you next time, and it ends up being 21°C and you sweat like only a Scottish person can.

5. Plus you've forgotten to put on suncream so you burn a bright Ferrari red and spend the next month peeling horribly.

6. Getting sunburned in places you didn't realise you could get sunburned, like on your lips, your bumcrack, or your centre parting.

7. Going to a relative's house and being forced to watch River City against your will. The horror.

8. Trying to stream an ITV programme, being constantly redirected to STV, and discovering that the programme you want to watch isn't there.

9. Seeing a Morton's Rolls van and not being able to stop singing "we built this city on Morton's Rolllllssssssss" for the next day and a half.

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10. Going to McDonald's on a Sunday but their Irn-Bru tap isn't working, so you have to have Coke or Sprite instead but they don't cure your hangover.

11. When forecasters say: “It’s going to be a scorcher tomorrow!” and it turns out they just meant in London and its snowing again and you bought a bikini for no reason.

12. In fact, you never get to wear any of your summer clothes, especially those denim shorts you bought in a fit of excitement during a brief heatwave in 2009.

13. Getting your foot trampled to mush by a dancing partner who definitely doesn't know how to Strip the Willow.

14. Then being clamped against a fellow dancer's sweaty armpit and spun around until you feel violently sick.

15. Someone offering you what you think is a Tunnock’s Teacake and you say yes only to find it’s a Lees Teacake with jam inside, and that's just not what you wanted.

16. Trying to text in Scots, and your phone having a meltdown and autocorrecting "aye" to "ate" and "gonny" to "Ginny".

17. Siri and Alexa repeatedly denying that the words you're using are real.

18. People in call centres not understanding your accent, so you use a fake English accent instead and feel slightly ashamed about denying your heritage.

19. Getting on a ScotRail train and realising your battery is almost dead. Why won't you provide charging sockets, ScotRail? Why?

20. And when the trolley service of drinks and light refreshments isn't available, but you really want a can of Tennent's and some shortbread.

21. Every single aspect of having to get up early and go outside in winter, particularly the part where icicles form on your nipples.

22. Thinking that winter is over and spring has sprung, only for Winter Round II: The Rewintering to start, and it snows all over your Aldi garden furniture.

23. The shame you feel about your lack of hardiness and resilience when you give in and put the heating on in July.

24. Running out of booze at 10:01pm on a Saturday night, and having to buy takeaway wine from the local pub for a vastly inflated price.

25. Visiting a pal who lives in a tenement and hauling yourself up six flights of stairs so your knees start to feel like a pair of burning rubber tyres.

26. The subtle sense of dread when an English coworker starts talking to you about cricket and you know you can't escape.

27. Or golf. Yes, Scottish people invented it, but no one actually likes it.

28. And when you encounter an American and they corner you and drone on for three hours about how they're "Scottish" even though they're from Michigan.

29. Being constantly roasted about Scotland's performance in every single sport ever, apart from tennis. Thanks, Andy.

30. Going to the Highlands in summer and getting so badly bitten by midges that you end up looking like a Lion bar.

31. Being called ginger when you're obviously strawberry blonde.

32. Asking for a roll and square sausage, but when you unwrap it you find you've been given link sausage instead, and your whole day is ruined.

33. Going to England and not being able to get tattie scones with your breakfast, so you get hash browns instead and they go all soggy in the bean juice and you think, How do you people live like this?

34. The strange mix of anger and embarrassment you feel when an English shopkeeper scrutinises the Scottish banknote you've just handed them.

35. Walking past a busking bagpiper at the exact moment that they do that extremely startling, unpleasant, slightly farty warm-up wail before the tune starts.

36. When you're desperately trying to order some food on holiday and no one can understand your accent so you starve to death in Magaluf.

37. People demanding to know your opinion about referendums, the SNP, and Nicola Sturgeon whenever they find out where you're from.

38. And when you remember that Donald Trump is half-Scottish.

The shame.

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