14 Superpowers That All Scottish People Have, But Never Admit To
If you can't magically find your way home after 17 pints, are you even Scottish?
1. The ability to turn everything into a party.
Waiting in a taxi queue at 3am? All you have to do is start shouting "HERE WE FUCKING GO" and bam, instant party. On a late-night train? You'll end up BFFs with the person opposite you, sharing a bottle of rosé with the hen party across the way, and having a heart-to-heart with a middle-aged mother of five. Woo!
2. The ability to magically wake up in your bed after a night out.
The last thing you remember is your friend shouting "FIVE MORE SAMBUCAS PLEASE", then somehow you're safely home, on top of your duvet, fully clothed, clutching a doner kebab and a half-drunk bottle of Irn-Bru, with daylight streaming through your blinds. Move over Harry Potter, this is our personal magic.
3. The ability to casually walk about 55 miles in a day.
What Bear Grylls calls "Extreme Survival", we call a wee stroll, usually in horrendous wet weather that most people would run a mile from. Ideally, it should incorporate at least three Munros and Ben Nevis, or it's not been worth the effort.
4. The ability to take pleasure in very basic delights.
In most cultures, a special delicacy is something indulgent, lavish, and decadent, like a rose-water flavoured cake with pistachio, saffron, and/or gold leaf. In Scotland, the height of pleasure is rock-hard biscuits with wee holes in them, and a nice cup of tea if you're lucky. And that's fine. Anything else is just posh frippery.
5. The ability to sunbathe in 13-degree weather.
We'll do anything for a tiny dose of vitamin D, even if it means lying on chilly, damp sand on a bleak Spring day when the wind's blowing a hooley. Sure, we do end up with goosebumps, but at least each goosebump ends up with a slight tan.
6. The ability to magically locate other Scottish people.
When we're away from home we've got a sixth sense for finding other Scots. We gravitate towards each other like moths to a flame. The feeling when you're crammed into a stuffy, hot tube carriage and you hear a familiar accent? Priceless. Soon, you'll be surrounded by 100 other Scottish people and having a party.
7. The ability to make the best of a bad situation.
Did you accidentally get a tattoo that looks like a big poo? Or did you lose your job because you pretended to be ill so you could go to T in the Park, but your boss saw you on TV? Most people would be embarrassed, but we just laugh it off, stick it on Facebook with the caption "wit a riddy!" and get on with our lives.
8. The ability to swiftly cut other folk down to size.
We hate people who brag or show off, end of. If we meet someone swaggering around like they own the place or banging on about how much money they make, we'll find a way to take the piss out of them, and balance will be restored.
9. The ability to use swear words as terms of endearment.
We put as much love and care into calling our friend a cunt as other people put into writing Valentine's Day cards, and our feelings are just as heartfelt. But beware - if a tense Scottish person calls you "pal", run away. It means the opposite, and also you're probably about to get your face punched in.
10. The ability to be cheeky AF and not get thumped.
When you spend 99% of your time ripping the piss out of other people, it's important to a) be genuinely funny and b) do it with a winning smile and adorable Celtic twinkle in your eye. If you can't charm the hell out of people while you simultaneously tease them relentlessly, you'll not get very far in Scotland.
11. The ability to look incredibly good in a knee-length non-bifurcated skirt-type tartan garment.
You have to be Scottish to pull off this look, end of story. Only we have the confidence to strut around in freezing temperatures with our knees on display, a knife tucked into our socks, a wee hairy bum bag, and no underwear.
12. The ability to survive for weeks on packets of Marshall's cheesey macaroni and cans of Tennent's.
This superpower is pretty much unique to students, but all Scots can access it in times of need. Like when you spend all your money three weeks before payday.
13. The ability to repel midges using household items.
You're not Scottish unless you've got your own, special recipe for midge spray that you've developed with the passion and care of a research scientist. It will usually contain a combination of...Skin So Soft lotion, cider vinegar, citronella oil, lemon juice, turps, whisky, bleach, paint stripper, and chippy sauce. And it works.
14. And the ability to seriously give a shit about other people.
Whether its Celtic fans raising money for people in Palestine, or a group of people getting together to build a village for the homeless, Scots have hearts as big as our appetite for cheesey macaroni from a packet, and we'll always try to help.