1. Because our seagulls are so out of control they've started chugging other birds.
2. And if the seagulls don't get you, the armed and dangerous schoolchildren probably will.
3. Or the goats.
4. Because someone in Glasgow thought that this atrocity was an acceptable bathroom advert.
5. And someone else thought this was a witty, sexy, and classy tattoo.
6. Because there's a terrifying "tweed jacket gang" on the loose in Edinburgh.
7. And Edinburgh restaurants are literally killing and eating your childhood memories.
8. Because a biblical plague far more devastating than locusts is about to ruin our lives forever.
9. Because when you order a cheeseboard after your meal, you shouldn't be handed this.
10. Because quirky Edinburgh pop-up bars have finally gone too far.
11. Because Buckfast korma should not be a thing.
12. But that's nothing compared to this abomination.
13. And while we're on the topic: Irn-Bru definitely does not belong in a sausage.
14. Because even alcohol – our most trusted friend – has started to betray us.
15. Because Scottish dogs have learned to drive, and it turns out they're fucking angry (and murderous).
16. Because some absolute monster decided this was an acceptable way to eat lorne sausage.
17. Because the annual Scottish trampoline migration is about to start, and it's incredibly dangerous.
So majestic. So lethal.