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32 Scottish Winter Survival Tips Bear Grylls Won't Tell You About

If you're afraid of hurricanes, make them seem a lot less threatening by giving them a cute name, like Harold, Agnes, or Bawbag.

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1. Scottish weather is changeable at this time of year, so carry snow shoes, an ice axe, a stove, gloves, a bikini, and sunglasses with you at all times.

2. Stock up on essentials, like lager, cider, whisky, port, white wine, red wine, vodka, brandy, gin, and bread.

3. Exercise helps to warm you up, so instead of putting the heating on, buy a '90s jazzercise DVD and just go fucking nuts.

4. People are often described as "hot with rage", so warm yourself up by exposing yourself to something that angers you, like Donald Trump or Jedward.

5. Set fire to things you don't need, like furniture, utility bills, and Red Hot Chilli Pipers CDs.

6. Trick yourself into believing you're warm by watching old episodes of London's Burning on YouTube.

7. Get signed off work sick for 4 months by telling your employer you have potato blight. If they query whether you really have an 19th-century disease that only affects vegetables, start crying.

8. If you do end up having to go outside for work, poke arm holes in a duvet and wear it like a coat.

9. Better yet, turn your entire bed into a fetching outfit so you never have to leave it.

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10. If you feel cold, rub deep heat muscle salve into your skin. The burning sensation will temporarily distract you from your icy surroundings.

11. Instead of putting milk on your cereal or porridge, use whisky. For an extra boost, leave the cereal out altogether.

12. Sick of getting soaked in rain every time you go outside? Just buy a zorb ball and zorb to work every day. You'll look super cool.

13. You can never wear enough jumpers in winter, so wear 43 jumpers. If you don't have 43 jumpers, buy more jumpers. If you can't bend your arms, you're doing it right.

14. To save money on heating, continuously invite yourself over to your friend's houses and sneakily turn up their thermostat to your desired temperature. If they complain, remind them that you're ill with potato blight and start crying.

15. If someone invites you to stand around outside at a street party at Hogmanay, laugh in their face and slam the door on them.

16. Baths are hot, so never get out of one. Stay in the bath forever. Bath!

17. If you have any draughty gaps in your window frames, seal them shut with old Indyref leaflets. All Scottish homes have at least 98,765 old Indyref leaflets.

18. Avoid being blown over in strong winds by putting on as much weight as possible. Eat deep-fried Mars bar sandwiches cooked in lard, it's for the best.

19. If you're afraid of hurricanes, make them seem a lot less threatening by giving them a cute name, like Harold, Agnes, or Bawbag.

20. Remember: if even one flake of snow falls, trains will grind to a halt and screaming bus drivers will abandon their passengers in terror, so find an alternative method of transport instead. Space hoppers work well.

21. Just ignore winter and hope it goes away. It worked on that ex of yours.
Lesley, was it? Lesley's never coming back.

22. The only people who are immune to the cold of a Scottish winter are old grannies who are "jist oot for a few messages", so find one and pay her to go to work for you.

23. Lack of exposure to sun in these dark months can cause you to feel lethargic, so take a photo of the sun, print it, and stick it above your desk.

24. Use a subtle knife to voyage between dimensions, climb the volcano of death, defeat the evil dragon, and seek out the Oracle. The Oracle is currently running a Groupon deal for 50% off 2kw convection heaters.

25. Remind yourself of the pleasant, happy, festive side of winter by watching that Irn-Bru ad where the snowman drops that wee bam from a great height.

26. Avoid chapped lips by using lip balm. But don't just stop there! Cover your whole face and neck, too. You can't be too careful. Chapping kills over one Scottish person every year*.

*this is true.

27. One of the quickest ways to warm yourself up is to get into a sleeping bag naked with another person, so put an ad on Gumtree for a volunteer.

28. Pretend you're on a roasting hot Mediterranean holiday by drinking Fanta Limon, eating paprika crisps, and giving yourself a stomach bug.

29. Avoid getting wet feet on stormy days by climbing inside a bin bag and bouncing around the streets like Oscar the Grouch at a sack race.

30. Before leaving the house, prepare for the temperature change by sticking ice cubes down your pants and doing a little dance.

31. Cold weather can force deer, foxes, and other wildlife into towns and cities, as they're looking for shelter. Sedate them and use them as a blanket.

32. If, after all that, you're still cold, just get shitting-your-pants drunk. It's been working for our ancestors for centuries.

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