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    Posted on Oct 20, 2017

    23 Pissed-Off Confessions From A Scottish Tour Guide

    "OUTLANDER ISN'T REAL!" Phew, sorry, we needed to get that off our chests.

    1. Our job means we're outside most of the day, so we inevitably end up getting soaked all the time.

    2. Although the haar and mist is trickier to deal with.

    Twitter: @ytfcbadger / Creative Commons

    It's hard to give a tour of Scotland when you can't see anything.

    3. People constantly show up for tours that involve a lot of walking in unsuitable shoes.

    4. Speaking of walking, we end up doing a lot of extremely exhausting climbs and hikes.

    1300 of these bad boys today. #Stairs #TourGuideProblems

    "Hey Tam, you OK to do the Devil's Staircase tour today?" "Er, sure. Why's it called the Devil's Staircase?" *Tam runs away, laughing / high fiving the other guides.* "Oh."

    5. And no matter how good our shoes are, we end up with feet that feel like they've been beaten with sticks.

    6. We've been verbally abused in nearly every language.

    Twitter: @1974Hamilton

    It doesn't matter if we can't understand the words; the tone of voice is pretty clear, as is the arm-waving and yelling. Sorry our tour is full, or it's cold, or our bus broke down, or Scotland has just generally failed to meet your expectations. Please stop shouting.

    7. We get asked some pretty dumb questions.

    Twitter: @LitheClayZebu

    It's OK to ask us things, that's our job, but we're not psychic. "Do you know if it'll rain" (when booking a tour a month in advance), "is Edinburgh Castle real?" Hmm.

    8. And if you have questions, please, for the love of god, save them up for a quiet moment.

    Twitter: @SavantiKnowles

    Other people didn't come on this tour to hear you shout things like "DO YOU HAVE WI-FI IN SCOTLAND?" or "HAVE YOU SEEN THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?"

    9. Please don't hit on us while we're trying to do our job.

    Twitter: @sydneyy_kate

    Even if you're cute, it can feel a bit creepy. We're obliged to spend time with you, especially if it's a week-long tour. Just be nice to us instead; don't come on strong.

    10. And we get a bit tired of hearing "OMG, your accent is sooooo cute. Say something Scottish."


    "Er, hello?" "Aww! Say it again so I can Snapchat it." "No." "Aww!"

    11. While at the same time complaining that they "can't understand us" and to "speak more clearly".

    Studio Canal / Giphy

    Er, sorry, but you're in Scotland and I have a Scottish accent. I can't do much about that, ya bam.

    12. Week-long tours mean seriously long days.

    When the group says they want to add some extra time to the itinerary after a 13 hour day. #tourguideproblems

    Plus, you're usually staying in hostels, so you can't get away from your group. Even if you like them (and we usually do), you need some time to decompress after a day of being asked what kind of vegetable a haggis is, etc.

    13. Not to mention frustrating traffic jams.

    14. We can't give you a refund because of the midges.

    An introduction to highland salmon fishing for Kean from Michigan. And the midges! #FlyFishing #Salmon #Skye

    Sorry. But we can lend you some Jungle Formula and try to find breezy places to show you. Which is why we spend so much time at the top of hills and cliffs.

    15. Also, sorry if this hurts but... OUTLANDER ISN'T REAL AND NEITHER IS JAMIE FRASER.

    Facebook: herdreamvacation

    And we can't take you to the standing stones of Craigh na Dun because they don't exist.

    16. We get a sixth sense for strange photo opportunities.

    Tour Guide Always Builds In 10 Minutes For Everyone In Group To Mount Cannon Like Horse #tourguideproblems

    If we're going to a castle, people will want a selfie with the castle in the background, and with each and every kilted statue, plus they'll want to sit on the cannons. We just put up with it and take photos of them when they ask.

    17. We have to build in a lot of extra time for people to take photos of cute guys in kilts, as well.

    Twitter: @UndisScot

    It's fine, don't mind us (or the privacy of the person you're photographing).

    18. Also, we're often surprised by the weird things you choose to take photos of.

    Twitter: @laurajdlawson

    "You want me to take your photo in front of this Burger King to prove that they have Burger Kings in Scotland? Really? OK."

    19. It would be nice if you could put your phones down every so often, though.


    I mean, are you ever going to look at that blurry video you took out of the rain-streaked bus window instead of listening to us tell you about Scottish history? No.

    20. We want the ground to open and swallow us up when our tour group act inappropriately.

    Facebook: invernesstours

    Guys, don't go on a Culloden tour only to spend a load of time talking loudly, laughing about the battle, and taking selfies with the graves. It's not cool.

    21. Although having said that, we won't put up with anyone being shitty to "our" tourists.

    Twitter: @LeeBaillie_

    We're too protective. You'd be surprised how many locals get angry when they see a group of people in "I LOVE OHIO" T-shirts taking photos. Er, they're allowed to come here on holiday, you don't have to grumble at them or push them out of the way.

    22. At the end of the day, we love showing off our awesome country, and making people happy.

    Twitter: @Bordersjourneys

    We get to spend time in some awesome places too.

    23. And we hope you come back soon.


    Please bring some sensible footwear, though.

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