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23 Pissed-Off Confessions From A Scottish Tour Guide

"OUTLANDER ISN'T REAL!" Phew, sorry, we needed to get that off our chests.

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1. Our job means we're outside most of the day, so we inevitably end up getting soaked all the time.

Instagram: @taysidethomson

On the bright side, tourists rarely want to go traipsing around looking at impressive landmarks when it's pissing it down, so we can hide with a coffee.

2. Although the haar and mist is trickier to deal with.

It's hard to give a tour of Scotland when you can't see anything.
Twitter: @ytfcbadger / Creative Commons

It's hard to give a tour of Scotland when you can't see anything.

3. People constantly show up for tours that involve a lot of walking in unsuitable shoes.

Instagram: @featherlessflight

Not sure if you're aware, but most of Scotland is hilly, rugged, and covered in mountains. Heels and flip-flops really aren't a good idea.

4. Speaking of walking, we end up doing a lot of extremely exhausting climbs and hikes.

1300 of these bad boys today. #Stairs #TourGuideProblems

"Hey Tam, you OK to do the Devil's Staircase tour today?" "Er, sure. Why's it called the Devil's Staircase?" *Tam runs away, laughing / high fiving the other guides.* "Oh."

5. And no matter how good our shoes are, we end up with feet that feel like they've been beaten with sticks.

Instagram: @hauntedhobbit

And we get jealous of European cities that allow Segway tours. That would be bliss. Maybe we can get tourists to push us round in a shopping trolley instead.

6. We've been verbally abused in nearly every language.

It doesn't matter if we can't understand the words; the tone of voice is pretty clear, as is the arm-waving and yelling. Sorry our tour is full, or it's cold, or our bus broke down, or Scotland has just generally failed to meet your expectations. Please stop shouting.
Twitter: @1974Hamilton

It doesn't matter if we can't understand the words; the tone of voice is pretty clear, as is the arm-waving and yelling. Sorry our tour is full, or it's cold, or our bus broke down, or Scotland has just generally failed to meet your expectations. Please stop shouting.

7. We get asked some pretty dumb questions.

It's OK to ask us things, that's our job, but we're not psychic. "Do you know if it'll rain" (when booking a tour a month in advance), "is Edinburgh Castle real?" Hmm.
Twitter: @LitheClayZebu

It's OK to ask us things, that's our job, but we're not psychic. "Do you know if it'll rain" (when booking a tour a month in advance), "is Edinburgh Castle real?" Hmm.

8. And if you have questions, please, for the love of god, save them up for a quiet moment.

Other people didn't come on this tour to hear you shout things like "DO YOU HAVE WI-FI IN SCOTLAND?" or "HAVE YOU SEEN THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?"
Twitter: @SavantiKnowles

Other people didn't come on this tour to hear you shout things like "DO YOU HAVE WI-FI IN SCOTLAND?" or "HAVE YOU SEEN THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?"

9. Please don't hit on us while we're trying to do our job.

Even if you're cute, it can feel a bit creepy. We're obliged to spend time with you, especially if it's a week-long tour. Just be nice to us instead; don't come on strong.
Twitter: @sydneyy_kate

Even if you're cute, it can feel a bit creepy. We're obliged to spend time with you, especially if it's a week-long tour. Just be nice to us instead; don't come on strong.

10. And we get a bit tired of hearing "OMG, your accent is sooooo cute. Say something Scottish."

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"Er, hello?" "Aww! Say it again so I can Snapchat it." "No." "Aww!"

11. While at the same time complaining that they "can't understand us" and to "speak more clearly".

Studio Canal / Giphy

Er, sorry, but you're in Scotland and I have a Scottish accent. I can't do much about that, ya bam.

12. Week-long tours mean seriously long days.

When the group says they want to add some extra time to the itinerary after a 13 hour day. #tourguideproblems

Plus, you're usually staying in hostels, so you can't get away from your group. Even if you like them (and we usually do), you need some time to decompress after a day of being asked what kind of vegetable a haggis is, etc.

13. Not to mention frustrating traffic jams.

Instagram: @sasuloves

"Sorry everyone, looks like we'll be here for a while."

14. We can't give you a refund because of the midges.

An introduction to highland salmon fishing for Kean from Michigan. And the midges! #FlyFishing #Salmon #Skye

Sorry. But we can lend you some Jungle Formula and try to find breezy places to show you. Which is why we spend so much time at the top of hills and cliffs.

15. Also, sorry if this hurts but... OUTLANDER ISN'T REAL AND NEITHER IS JAMIE FRASER.

And we can't take you to the standing stones of Craigh na Dun because they don't exist.
Facebook: herdreamvacation

And we can't take you to the standing stones of Craigh na Dun because they don't exist.

16. We get a sixth sense for strange photo opportunities.

Tour Guide Always Builds In 10 Minutes For Everyone In Group To Mount Cannon Like Horse https://t.co/M9avCLBori #tourguideproblems

If we're going to a castle, people will want a selfie with the castle in the background, and with each and every kilted statue, plus they'll want to sit on the cannons. We just put up with it and take photos of them when they ask.

17. We have to build in a lot of extra time for people to take photos of cute guys in kilts, as well.

It's fine, don't mind us (or the privacy of the person you're photographing).
Twitter: @UndisScot

It's fine, don't mind us (or the privacy of the person you're photographing).

18. Also, we're often surprised by the weird things you choose to take photos of.

"You want me to take your photo in front of this Burger King to prove that they have Burger Kings in Scotland? Really? OK."
Twitter: @laurajdlawson

"You want me to take your photo in front of this Burger King to prove that they have Burger Kings in Scotland? Really? OK."

19. It would be nice if you could put your phones down every so often, though.

Giphy

I mean, are you ever going to look at that blurry video you took out of the rain-streaked bus window instead of listening to us tell you about Scottish history? No.

20. We want the ground to open and swallow us up when our tour group act inappropriately.

Guys, don't go on a Culloden tour only to spend a load of time talking loudly, laughing about the battle, and taking selfies with the graves. It's not cool.
Facebook: invernesstours

Guys, don't go on a Culloden tour only to spend a load of time talking loudly, laughing about the battle, and taking selfies with the graves. It's not cool.

21. Although having said that, we won't put up with anyone being shitty to "our" tourists.

We're too protective. You'd be surprised how many locals get angry when they see a group of people in "I LOVE OHIO" T-shirts taking photos. Er, they're allowed to come here on holiday, you don't have to grumble at them or push them out of the way.
Twitter: @LeeBaillie_

We're too protective. You'd be surprised how many locals get angry when they see a group of people in "I LOVE OHIO" T-shirts taking photos. Er, they're allowed to come here on holiday, you don't have to grumble at them or push them out of the way.

22. At the end of the day, we love showing off our awesome country, and making people happy.

We get to spend time in some awesome places too.
Twitter: @Bordersjourneys

We get to spend time in some awesome places too.

23. And we hope you come back soon.

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Please bring some sensible footwear, though.