1. Would you rather live in this underwhelming maisonette...
Location: Shepherd's Bush
• Beautiful, vintage cardboard carpet, only lightly stained.
• Right next door to a building merchant, which is handy as you'll probably need a lot of tools and supplies.
• Will probably get quite a bit of natural light once the windows aren't boarded up any more.
This stunning, tranquil island with its own post office?
Location: Tamera Mor, the Summer Isles (Na h-Eileanan Samhraidh)
• Price includes three residences (the Schoolhouse, the Farmhouse, and Murdo's Cottage).
• It also comes with a post office that makes and sells Summer Isles memorabilia and stamps.
• Free bunting.
2. Do you want to own this slightly claustrophobic studio...
Bedrooms: None, technically
• You can play a fun game with guests called "is this a wardrobe or a bed?"
• Lovely view of a weird curvy roof.
• Right beside Kensington Palace, so you're constantly reminded of how much money you don't have.
...this idyllic harbour island with a three-bedroom cottage and guest house?
Location: Harbour Island, the Summer Isles (Na h-Eileanan Samhraidh)
• The island boasts nine acres of rugged woodland, gardens, and even a boathouse.
• You'll also get a guesthouse that you could rent out as holiday accommodation.
• You can commute by boat to Ullapool, where they have jobs and a big Tesco.
3. Do you want to live on this converted barge...
Location: Canary Wharf
• The boat has 360° views of a lot of dockside industrial machinery.
• It was originally listed for £499,950, which is a lot for a 75-foot-long property.
• Ideal home for an investment banker who secretly wants to be a pirate.
...on this serene 40-acre island with a farmhouse, a mill, and a stable?
• This pretty island has a wind turbine that generates free electricity.
• The farmhouse is move-in ready and could be converted to add more bedrooms.
• It's linked to the mainland by a causeway, so you don't have to buy a boat, let alone live on one.
4. Do you want to splash your cash on this forbidding flat...
• The building appears to be made out of gunmetal grey Lego blocks.
• You'll get your own parking space, which is handy.
• Unfortunately, you'll also be living in a flat that looks like a shit office.
...this 19-acre private island and home near Sir Paul McCartney's estate?
Location: Just off the Mull of Kintyre
• Just 15 miles from the gorgeous Carskiey Estate, owned by Sir Paul McCartney.
• The octagonal, modernist home is super fancy and comfortable inside.
• Your only neighbours are sheep, and international superstars who changed the face of music.
5. Do you want to buy this rather unloved tower block flat...
• Laminate flooring throughout, which is ideal for doing skids.
• Could do with a lick of paint or three.
• Furniture seems to be from DFS's "depressed 1980s bachelor" range.
...two beautiful island retreats and a six-bedroom house?
• Your great big house has its own wind turbine: Hello free electricity.
• It's just a short boat trip (or icy-cold swim) away from the bustling town of Stromness.
• The house is on Inner Holm, but you also get another island (Outer Holm) too, buy-one-get-one-free style.
6. Would you like to own this very strange property in London...
• Around 5,000 sq ft of floor space, almost all of which is full of folding plastic chairs.
• Lovely view of a back alley full of rubble.
• It used to be the Redeemed Christian Church of God, so confused people might try to hold weddings in your living room.
...heavenly Rudh-A-Chruidh island in the Scottish Highlands?
Location: Oban Bay on the west coast of Scotland
• The house has a designer kitchen, underfloor heating, steam room, sauna, and balcony.
• You also get a fancy beach house thrown in too, with a drawing room, dining room, and big kitchen.
• The helicopter isn't included in the price, but the helipad is.
7. Would you like this microscopic studio flat...
Bedrooms: None, technically.
• It's just a room, basically, but it does have a separate toilet.
• Those fitted wardrobes are actually a bed, so you'll have to keep your clothes in a bag.
• The interior looks like a MFI showroom circa 1994.
...2,754 acres of land, a three-bedroom house, and free seafood?
Location: The Aird Bheag Estate, Outer Hebrides
• The 2,754-acre estate includes a three-bedroom property with a veranda overlooking a private bay.
• Surrounding seas are packed with oysters, lobsters, and scallops.
• There's also a stone circle, so it's ideal if you're a practising pagan who likes seafood.
8. Would you prefer to drop almost 3 million quid on this small flat...
• It has a balcony with sweeping views into the windows of the flats right opposite.
• Literally every single one of your neighbours will be a politician.
• Doesn't seem to have been redecorated since 1952.
...spend your money on a lavish Scottish island that's fit for a king?
Location: Loch Craignish, Argyll
• Eilean Righ means "King's Island" in Gaelic.
• The 238-acre island has a mansion, a 500-square-metre helicopter hangar, two slipways, and a jetty.
• It's basically an ideal hideaway for a wannabe James Bond, or an evil supervillain.
9. Would you rather buy this slightly scruffy London home...
• It's a good size, but needs quite a bit of renovation.
• You can pretend you're in an episode of EastEnders every day.
• The beds are floor-based, and the decor is tennis-racquet-based.
...two islands, a five-bedroom farmhouse, and an artist's studio?
Location: Burray, Orkney
• 395 acres spread over two beautiful islands (it's another buy-one-get-one-free deal).
• Main residence is a five-bedroom stone farmhouse.
• There's also an artist's studio (pictured), which you could rent out as a holiday home.
10. Would you prefer to buy this cramped home on the outskirts of London...
• The architect clearly had a thing for incredibly narrow rooms.
• Not one but two satellite dishes, so you can watch twice as much TV.
• Free flag!
...the truly lovely Isle of Linga off the coast of Shetland?
Location: The west coast of Shetland
Bedrooms: Seven (kind of)
• An unspoilt 63-acre island located in the scenic and sheltered Vaila Sound.
• A local architecture firm has already drawn up plans to renovate the island's two run-down cottages.
• Getting the cottages restored won't break the bank; the buyer can apply for a free development grant.
11. And finally, is this gloomy, low-level flat more your style...
• It's described as "cavernous" by the estate agents, which is a bit of an understatement.
• Lovely grey and black colour scheme that highlights the lack of windows.
• Comes with two underground vaults, so it's an ideal home for a crypt keeper or murderer.
...would you prefer this huge estate with six houses, and a 9-acre private island?
Location: Kilchoan Estate in the Inner Hebrides
Bedrooms: Seven in the main mansion, around 10 in the other five houses.
• The estate comes with 750 acres of grounds, a herd of wild deer, and a private 9-acre island.
• It also features three holiday cottages, a restored two-bedroom barn, and a two-bedroom farmhouse.
• London can just piss off, frankly.