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11 Islands You Could Buy For The Price Of A Shit London Flat

Would you rather own a luxury island mansion with a helipad in Scotland, or a poky shithole in Chelsea?

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1. Would you rather live in this underwhelming maisonette...

Location: Shepherd's Bush

Bedrooms: Four

Price: £750,000

• Beautiful, vintage cardboard carpet, only lightly stained.

• Right next door to a building merchant, which is handy as you'll probably need a lot of tools and supplies.

• Will probably get quite a bit of natural light once the windows aren't boarded up any more.

This stunning, tranquil island with its own post office?

Location: Tamera Mor, the Summer Isles (Na h-Eileanan Samhraidh)

Bedrooms: 12

Price: £700,000

• Price includes three residences (the Schoolhouse, the Farmhouse, and Murdo's Cottage).

• It also comes with a post office that makes and sells Summer Isles memorabilia and stamps.

• Free bunting.

2. Do you want to own this slightly claustrophobic studio...

Location: Kensington

Bedrooms: None, technically

Price: £500,000

• You can play a fun game with guests called "is this a wardrobe or a bed?"

• Lovely view of a weird curvy roof.

• Right beside Kensington Palace, so you're constantly reminded of how much money you don't have.

...this idyllic harbour island with a three-bedroom cottage and guest house?

Location: Harbour Island, the Summer Isles (Na h-Eileanan Samhraidh)

Bedrooms: Five

Price: £500,000

• The island boasts nine acres of rugged woodland, gardens, and even a boathouse.

• You'll also get a guesthouse that you could rent out as holiday accommodation.

• You can commute by boat to Ullapool, where they have jobs and a big Tesco.

3. Do you want to live on this converted barge...

Location: Canary Wharf

Bedrooms: Two

Price: £330,000

• The boat has 360° views of a lot of dockside industrial machinery.

• It was originally listed for £499,950, which is a lot for a 75-foot-long property.

• Ideal home for an investment banker who secretly wants to be a pirate.

...on this serene 40-acre island with a farmhouse, a mill, and a stable?

Location: Orkney

Bedrooms: Two

Price: £300,000

• This pretty island has a wind turbine that generates free electricity.

• The farmhouse is move-in ready and could be converted to add more bedrooms.

• It's linked to the mainland by a causeway, so you don't have to buy a boat, let alone live on one.

4. Do you want to splash your cash on this forbidding flat...

Location: Clapham

Bedrooms: Two

Price: £450,000

• The building appears to be made out of gunmetal grey Lego blocks.

• You'll get your own parking space, which is handy.

• Unfortunately, you'll also be living in a flat that looks like a shit office.

...this 19-acre private island and home near Sir Paul McCartney's estate?

Location: Just off the Mull of Kintyre

Bedrooms: Three

Price: £450,000

• Just 15 miles from the gorgeous Carskiey Estate, owned by Sir Paul McCartney.

• The octagonal, modernist home is super fancy and comfortable inside.

• Your only neighbours are sheep, and international superstars who changed the face of music.

5. Do you want to buy this rather unloved tower block flat...

Location: Walthamstow

Bedrooms: Two

Price: £300,000

• Laminate flooring throughout, which is ideal for doing skids.

• Could do with a lick of paint or three.

• Furniture seems to be from DFS's "depressed 1980s bachelor" range.

...two beautiful island retreats and a six-bedroom house?

Location: Orkney

Bedrooms: Six

Price: £300,000

• Your great big house has its own wind turbine: Hello free electricity.

• It's just a short boat trip (or icy-cold swim) away from the bustling town of Stromness.

• The house is on Inner Holm, but you also get another island (Outer Holm) too, buy-one-get-one-free style.

6. Would you like to own this very strange property in London...

Location: Peckham

Bedrooms: One

Price: £1,000,000

• Around 5,000 sq ft of floor space, almost all of which is full of folding plastic chairs.

• Lovely view of a back alley full of rubble.

• It used to be the Redeemed Christian Church of God, so confused people might try to hold weddings in your living room.

...heavenly Rudh-A-Chruidh island in the Scottish Highlands?

Location: Oban Bay on the west coast of Scotland

Bedrooms: Three

Price: £950,000

• The house has a designer kitchen, underfloor heating, steam room, sauna, and balcony.

• You also get a fancy beach house thrown in too, with a drawing room, dining room, and big kitchen.

• The helicopter isn't included in the price, but the helipad is.

7. Would you like this microscopic studio flat...

Location: Chelsea

Price: £400,000

Bedrooms: None, technically.

• It's just a room, basically, but it does have a separate toilet.

• Those fitted wardrobes are actually a bed, so you'll have to keep your clothes in a bag.

• The interior looks like a MFI showroom circa 1994.

...2,754 acres of land, a three-bedroom house, and free seafood?

Location: The Aird Bheag Estate, Outer Hebrides

Bedrooms: Three

Price: £375,000

• The 2,754-acre estate includes a three-bedroom property with a veranda overlooking a private bay.

• Surrounding seas are packed with oysters, lobsters, and scallops.

• There's also a stone circle, so it's ideal if you're a practising pagan who likes seafood.

8. Would you prefer to drop almost 3 million quid on this small flat...

Location: Whitehall

Bedrooms: Two

Price: £2,750,000

• It has a balcony with sweeping views into the windows of the flats right opposite.

• Literally every single one of your neighbours will be a politician.

• Doesn't seem to have been redecorated since 1952.

...spend your money on a lavish Scottish island that's fit for a king?

Location: Loch Craignish, Argyll

Bedrooms: Seven

Price: £2,500,000

• Eilean Righ means "King's Island" in Gaelic.

• The 238-acre island has a mansion, a 500-square-metre helicopter hangar, two slipways, and a jetty.

• It's basically an ideal hideaway for a wannabe James Bond, or an evil supervillain.

9. Would you rather buy this slightly scruffy London home...

Location: Walthamstow

Price: £575,000

Bedrooms: Four

• It's a good size, but needs quite a bit of renovation.

• You can pretend you're in an episode of EastEnders every day.

• The beds are floor-based, and the decor is tennis-racquet-based.

...two islands, a five-bedroom farmhouse, and an artist's studio?

Location: Burray, Orkney

Bedrooms: Six

Price: £580,000

• 395 acres spread over two beautiful islands (it's another buy-one-get-one-free deal).

• Main residence is a five-bedroom stone farmhouse.

• There's also an artist's studio (pictured), which you could rent out as a holiday home.

10. Would you prefer to buy this cramped home on the outskirts of London...

Location: Stratford

Bedrooms: Two

Price: £300,000

• The architect clearly had a thing for incredibly narrow rooms.

• Not one but two satellite dishes, so you can watch twice as much TV.

• Free flag!

...the truly lovely Isle of Linga off the coast of Shetland?

Location: The west coast of Shetland

Bedrooms: Seven (kind of)

Price: £250,000

• An unspoilt 63-acre island located in the scenic and sheltered Vaila Sound.

• A local architecture firm has already drawn up plans to renovate the island's two run-down cottages.

• Getting the cottages restored won't break the bank; the buyer can apply for a free development grant.

11. And finally, is this gloomy, low-level flat more your style...

Location: Islington

Bedrooms: Two

Price: £2,500,000

• It's described as "cavernous" by the estate agents, which is a bit of an understatement.

• Lovely grey and black colour scheme that highlights the lack of windows.

• Comes with two underground vaults, so it's an ideal home for a crypt keeper or murderer.

...would you prefer this huge estate with six houses, and a 9-acre private island?

Location: Kilchoan Estate in the Inner Hebrides

Bedrooms: Seven in the main mansion, around 10 in the other five houses.

Price: £2,225,000

• The estate comes with 750 acres of grounds, a herd of wild deer, and a private 9-acre island.

• It also features three holiday cottages, a restored two-bedroom barn, and a two-bedroom farmhouse.

• London can just piss off, frankly.

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