"I am writing in reply to your letter dated January 25 in which you enquired about whether we would let you 'hold a giant sesh' in our famous Wellpark Brewery. Unfortunately we do not let anyone, 'sound as fuck' or not, hold parties on our premises, in fact it would be a violation of business and licensing laws.
While I have no doubt that Smiddy knows 'how to get the burds game as fuck after a few tinnies' and your music taste is as good as those Youtube links to the DJ Hixxy and Rankin tracks suggests, it is simply impossible. I'm not sure if it was a typo or a drug reference when you said your 'mate's wee sister loves to get wined and lined' but it won't be happening in this establishment.
I wish you the best of luck in planning your 'five year anniversary party of the time Deano pumped Chic's missus' and I recommend you try premises in the Coatbridge or Airdrie areas. Regards, Iain MacArthur, Head of Public Relations.
P.S. It is poor form when writing to a drinks company asking for a favour to say that you 'prefer Tonic to the pisswater that you cunts try to punt as lager but it's cheap as fuck and a bevvy's a bevvy.'"