back to top

19 Things You'll Relate To If You Fucking Hate Live Music

We love music, we just don't enjoy being farted on by extremely tall men.

Posted on

1. Sorry to have to break this to you, guys, but gigs are basically the worst thing since the plague.

rebrn.com

Just look at the sadness in this man's eyes. He knows he could be at home binge-watching Rick and Morty. Instead, he is at a gig: a crowded, horrible, sweaty gig.

2. BTW, I'm not talking about concerts in massive arenas where you basically watch your favourite singer on TV.

Giphy

These are fine, because you get a plastic chair to sit on, there are lots of places to buy beer, and you can rest securely in the knowledge you're in Section 114, row X, seat 13 with a great view of your idol, even if they are very small and far away.

Advertisement

3. No, I'm talking about crushed-together, smelly, standing-only, loud, hot, gritty, jostly gigs.

commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons

They're just the worst. You're essentially paying a fortune to just get repeatedly stamped on on for three hours in a fart-scented sweat lodge. No thank you.

4. Unless you're a giant, you can't see a thing.

instagram.com

The tallest people always selfishly migrate to the front, usually so they can spend the whole gig holding up their phones and making terrible, blurry, poor-quality videos of the band that will get precisely 0 views on YouTube.

5. Want a drink? LOL. Enjoy spending most of your night waiting in a huge queue for a pint of tepid £6 lager.

HandMade Films

Alcohol is the only thing that can make the whole gig experience vaguely tolerable, yet alcohol is almost impossible to obtain. It's almost a form of sick torture. Gigs are almost certainly one of the thirteen levels of hell.

6. People think it's acceptable to just smash into you.

Giphy

This is vaguely OK at a metal gig, but definitely not OK when you're an Xennial trying to ironically enjoy a 5ive performance at your old student union.

Advertisement

9. In fact, all rules of polite society disappear.

NBC

If you're anywhere near the front, people will literally try to climb over you to get nearer to the stage. They'll start by inserting an arm between you and your friend with their drink held over their head, dribbling it on your scalp as they go, then attempt to sort of push and lever you out of the way. Fuck off, please.

10. There are always at least two totally mashed idiots.

TBS / Giphy

They are usually on at least three different types of drugs, and dance like they're having a seizure. Some of them may well be. They're the kind of people who'd try to start a mosh pit at a baby's christening, and live to jab their elbow in your eye.

12. But the Gig Men are far, far worse.

shirts.com / Getty / BuzzFeed

Mainly because they try to engage you in conversation about the band in the brief lulls between the support and the main act. They're always alone, usually middle-aged, and wear stained AC/DC tour T-shirts under flannel shirts. They drink the tepid lager like it's nectar, and carry a copy of Classic Rock magazine at all times.

Advertisement

13. Another side effect of being crammed into a room full of drunk people is...the farts.

Giphy

The fact that it's so loud means that people often let rip without fear or hesitation. After the first few songs, the venue smells like the inside of a packet of dry roasted peanuts.

14. The security staff always seem to be in a state of barely controlled, frustrated rage.

Giphy

We get it, you're surrounded by drunk meatheads who keep flinging themselves about and trying to climb over the barriers, but don't take it out on the rest of us.

15. The backache. Oh god, the backache.

New Line Cinema / Giphy

Doctors say that sitting down is bad for you. You know what's worse for you? Standing bolt upright for three hours on sticky, slippery, lager-covered plastic flooring.

16. And before you say "but bands always sound better live." No they don't. Not always.

MTV / Giphy

If you've never seen a panicked sound engineer trying to fix a screechy feedback problem before eventually giving up, or endured 90 minutes of a hungover band phoning it in on the last day of a world tour, you've clearly been very lucky.

17. You can zip the "oh, but it's nice to get out of the house and be sociable!" argument too.

Giphy

You're standing in rows facing in the same direction, you can't talk to each other during the gig because its so loud, and afterwards your ears are ringing, so you can't talk to each other then, either. The whole experience is about as sociable as sitting in your pants at home eating cereal out of the box, but 100% less fun.

18. You like the band; why ruin that by listening to their music in such an uncomfortable environment?

Giphy

It's basically a form of aversion therapy. Don't do it. Every time you hear their music afterwards, you'll end up having flashbacks to getting a pint of warm beer poured down your neck while a large, shirtless man simultaneously pogoes up and down on your feet shouting "WHURRRR!" It's just not fun at all.

19. Do yourself a massive favour, and just listen to your favourite album at home instead.

instagram.com

Your feet, wallet, and sense of smell will thank you.

Promoted

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

Dismiss