1. The Sorting Hat would actually be a sorting "See You Jimmy" bunnet from a Royal Mile gift shop.
2. Hogwarts would be part-owned by the National Trust for Scotland and charge visitors £14 for a tour.
3. The Threstrals would be hired out during the Festival to pull tourist rickshaws.
4. And the Room of Requirement would be rented out to student drama groups.
5. The income from that month would fund Hogwarts for the rest of the year.
6. Hedwig would actually be a furious Portobello seagull.
7. Who would eat, peck, and poo on Harry's mail instead of delivering it.
8. Vernon Dursley would work for Edinburgh Council's planning division.
9. And Dudley would go to George Watson's College.
10. Aunt Petunia would watch Take the High Road reruns on STV Edinburgh every afternoon.
11. The Weasleys would live in a jam-packed ex-council hoose in Sighthill.
12. While Hermione's parents would stay in a rented tenement in Meadowbank.
13. Instead of hiring Delores Umbridge as a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Dumbledore would hire Susan Boyle.
14. She'd be very good at it, as she's used to dealing with trolls.
15. Harry's invisiblity cloak would be a ruinously expensive tartan cashmere shawl from Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
16. Instead of Dementors, the wizards in Azkaban would be guarded by mediocre Fringe street performers.
17. They would have a similarly soul-crushing effect.
18. The Quidditch World Cup would be held at Murrayfield, and special branded trams would be laid on to deal with the crowds.
19. The Triwizard tournament would be held at Pfeffermill Playing Fields.
20. And Hogwarts would have to share it with 61 Edinburgh University sports societies on the day because of a booking error.
21. Harry would compete against Flora Denniston from Glasgow's Bellahouston Academy of Magic.
22. And the first task would involve retrieving a golden Tunnock's Teacake from Duddingston Loch.
23. Most school Quidditch matches would end with someone headbutting someone else.
24. And half the school probably wouldn't talk to the other half because they support the "wrong" Quidditch team.
25. Portkeys would always be a can of Barr's Red Kola.
26. Rita Skeeter would write for The Skinny and The List.
27. The Yule Ball would actually be a banging ceildh.
28. Hermione would wow everyone by showing up with Hearts midfielder Jamie Walker.
29. Everyone would get absolutely scunnered by sneaking to the bogs to do shots of Glen's vodka and MD 20/20.
30. And Moaning Myrtle would keep edgy in exchange for a few fags.
31. The Great Hall would have tartan curtains from Remnant Kings on Bonnington Road.
32. Harry's patronus would be the ghost of Greyfriars Bobby.
33. Everyone would find it quite depressing.
34. Dumbledore would have a secret ambition to be a stand-up comedian.
35. Every year he'd put on a Free Fringe show called Dumb and Dumbledore in the Tron Bar basement.
36. No one would go.
37. Minerva McGonagall would spend her weekends having lunch with other posh ladies in Morningside.
38. And volunteering in the St Columba's Hospice charity shop.
39. While Professor Trelawney would leave after one term to run one of those crystals, candles, and incense emporiums on the Grassmarket.
40. Platform 9 ¾ would be almost impossible to find because of all the sodding escalators at Waverley station.
41. And the journey to school would be via the new Borders Railway.
42. Buckbeak would be called Buckfastbeak.
43. She would be half pigeon, half Shetland pony.
44. And Hagrid would keep her at Gorgie City Farm.
45. Gringott's would actually be the Museum on the Mound.
46. And Harry's gold would be on display to the public in a big pile, with a label saying: "What a million pounds (of gold) actually looks like".
47. The Hogwarts houses would be rewarded with trips to Cineworld in Fountainbridge.
48. And Greggs gift cards (if they'd done particularly well).
49. Before they did anything dangerous, first-years would have to visit The Risk Factory to learn about health and safety.
50. Mhairi Black would be Minister for Magic.
51. She would be caught getting MWI at Silk most weekends.
52. And Voldemort would bear a passing resemblance to ex-Scottish Labour leader Jim Murphy.
53. Instead of hiding in the Forest of Dean, Harry, Ron, and Hermione would hide out in Ravelston Woods.
54. They would be found by 1st Currie Brownies almost immediately, who would help them work towards their camping badge.
55. Molly Weasley would scream: "Gonnae no do that, ya bawsack!" before killing Bellatrix.
56. Madam Pomfrey would be fully funded by NHS Scotland.
57. And would also work part time at the sexual health clinic on Lauriston Place.
58. Harry's date with Cho Chang would take place at the Elephant House Café.
59. He would be very confused about the fact the café's toilet seat has his face on it.
61. No one would actually drink Butterbeer; they'd prefer Irn-Bru.
62. Bertie Bott's bean flavours would include haggis, Buckfast, and macaroni pie.
63. And all the Chocolate Frogs would be deep-fried.