16 Entirely Bollocks Pieces Of Advice About The Edinburgh Festival

Do: Disguise yourself as a castle. Don't: Push tourists under a bus.

1. DO: Run to the shops on day one and stockpile essential items like petrol, water, canned goods, and houmous.

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All of these things will run out almost immediately, especially the houmous.

DON'T: Hoard all the provisions, then make tourists fight for them in Mad Max style thunderdomes.

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This is unfair. Although it would make a good Fringe show.

2. DO: Disguise yourself as a tourist attraction, and then charge visitors money to look at you.

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This hack has been working for Londoners for centuries. Big Ben is actually a tall guy from Enfield called Bigjamin Benjamin.

DON'T: Get carried away and run around heckling bigger, more successful attractions.

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This will damage your reputation and affect your Tripadvisor ratings.

3. DO: Exchange your normal clothes for a zorb ball.

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Travelling will become a breeze once you can bounce aside all the street performers and herds of students publicising their am-dram show about Brexit.

DON'T: Attempt to leave the city, it isn't safe.

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At this time of year the city's perimeter is ringed by feral ex-reality show contestants trying to get in. If you leave, they'll eat you, or (worse) force you to buy their album.

4. DO: Change your Facebook status to "dead" so acquaintances don't try to crash on your sofa.

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Being legally dead also has all kinds of advantages. You pay less tax, for a start.

DON'T: Rent out your house to your favourite comedian.

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Remember uni? They'll just use up your shampoo, nick your food, and leave poo in the toilet. You won't be able to watch them on 8 Out Of 10 Cats ever again.

5. DO: Give tourists directions to the castle. But not Edinburgh Castle.

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Send them all to Stirling Castle instead. Ha, fuck you, Stirling.

DON'T: Get angry with them for not knowing where it is.

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Making tourists cry is not good for the economy.

6. DO: Circle all of the most popular shows in the Fringe guide, and make a careful note of their times.

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This will help you know which areas in the city to avoid, and when.

DON'T: Be tempted to actually go and see anything.

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Remember that time Brian from accounts recommended a show and you went to see it? It wasn't good, was it? You won't make that mistake again. Fuck you, Brian.

7. DO: Get out your "OUT OF THE WAY I FUCKING LIVE HERE" badge and push to the front of bus queues.

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Haven't been issued with your badge yet? That's because they don't exist. Make one for yourself out of an old paper plate, a safety pin, and blood-red ink.

DON'T: Push tourists under a bus.

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This is illegal.

8. DO: Dress in a wanky costume everywhere you go so flyerers think you're one of them and avoid you.

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It helps if you also carry some leaflets with you at all times. In fact, just sign up to become a "promotional marketing distributor". At least then you'll get paid for it.

DON'T: Turn into one of those grumpy sods who just spend all of August complaining about the festival.

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It’s actually pretty cool when you think about it. So strap on your zorb ball, lie to some tourists, and go and see a terrible Free Fringe show about avocados.