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16 Entirely Bollocks Pieces Of Advice About The Edinburgh Festival

Do: Disguise yourself as a castle. Don't: Push tourists under a bus.

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1. DO: Run to the shops on day one and stockpile essential items like petrol, water, canned goods, and houmous.

All of these things will run out almost immediately, especially the houmous.
Str / AFP / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

All of these things will run out almost immediately, especially the houmous.

DON'T: Hoard all the provisions, then make tourists fight for them in Mad Max style thunderdomes.

This is unfair. Although it would make a good Fringe show.
Warner Bros. / BuzzFeed

This is unfair. Although it would make a good Fringe show.

2. DO: Disguise yourself as a tourist attraction, and then charge visitors money to look at you.

This hack has been working for Londoners for centuries. Big Ben is actually a tall guy from Enfield called Bigjamin Benjamin.
Ridofranz / commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons

This hack has been working for Londoners for centuries. Big Ben is actually a tall guy from Enfield called Bigjamin Benjamin.

DON'T: Get carried away and run around heckling bigger, more successful attractions.

This will damage your reputation and affect your Tripadvisor ratings.
Ridofranz / commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons / tripadvisor.co.uk

This will damage your reputation and affect your Tripadvisor ratings.

3. DO: Exchange your normal clothes for a zorb ball.

Travelling will become a breeze once you can bounce aside all the street performers and herds of students publicising their am-dram show about Brexit.
commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons

Travelling will become a breeze once you can bounce aside all the street performers and herds of students publicising their am-dram show about Brexit.

DON'T: Attempt to leave the city, it isn't safe.

At this time of year the city's perimeter is ringed by feral ex-reality show contestants trying to get in. If you leave, they'll eat you, or (worse) force you to buy their album.
AMC / BuzzFeed

At this time of year the city's perimeter is ringed by feral ex-reality show contestants trying to get in. If you leave, they'll eat you, or (worse) force you to buy their album.

4. DO: Change your Facebook status to "dead" so acquaintances don't try to crash on your sofa.

Being legally dead also has all kinds of advantages. You pay less tax, for a start.
Jpwallet / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

Being legally dead also has all kinds of advantages. You pay less tax, for a start.

DON'T: Rent out your house to your favourite comedian.

Remember uni? They'll just use up your shampoo, nick your food, and leave poo in the toilet. You won't be able to watch them on 8 Out Of 10 Cats ever again.
Comedy Central / BuzzFeed

Remember uni? They'll just use up your shampoo, nick your food, and leave poo in the toilet. You won't be able to watch them on 8 Out Of 10 Cats ever again.

5. DO: Give tourists directions to the castle. But not Edinburgh Castle.

Send them all to Stirling Castle instead. Ha, fuck you, Stirling.
Viktorcap / Getty Images

Send them all to Stirling Castle instead. Ha, fuck you, Stirling.

DON'T: Get angry with them for not knowing where it is.

Making tourists cry is not good for the economy.
Princigalli / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

Making tourists cry is not good for the economy.

6. DO: Circle all of the most popular shows in the Fringe guide, and make a careful note of their times.

This will help you know which areas in the city to avoid, and when.
Twitter: @GilesDeaconMD / BuzzFeed

This will help you know which areas in the city to avoid, and when.

DON'T: Be tempted to actually go and see anything.

Remember that time Brian from accounts recommended a show and you went to see it? It wasn't good, was it? You won't make that mistake again. Fuck you, Brian.
Twitter: @AltComMemSoc / BuzzFeed

Remember that time Brian from accounts recommended a show and you went to see it? It wasn't good, was it? You won't make that mistake again. Fuck you, Brian.

7. DO: Get out your "OUT OF THE WAY I FUCKING LIVE HERE" badge and push to the front of bus queues.

Haven't been issued with your badge yet? That's because they don't exist. Make one for yourself out of an old paper plate, a safety pin, and blood-red ink.
Getty Images / BuzzFeed

Haven't been issued with your badge yet? That's because they don't exist. Make one for yourself out of an old paper plate, a safety pin, and blood-red ink.

DON'T: Push tourists under a bus.

This is illegal.
Matt Cardy / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

This is illegal.

8. DO: Dress in a wanky costume everywhere you go so flyerers think you're one of them and avoid you.

It helps if you also carry some leaflets with you at all times. In fact, just sign up to become a "promotional marketing distributor". At least then you'll get paid for it.
Flickr: mrflip / Creative Commons

It helps if you also carry some leaflets with you at all times. In fact, just sign up to become a "promotional marketing distributor". At least then you'll get paid for it.

DON'T: Turn into one of those grumpy sods who just spend all of August complaining about the festival.

It’s actually pretty cool when you think about it. So strap on your zorb ball, lie to some tourists, and go and see a terrible Free Fringe show about avocados.
Flickr: asturdesign / Creative Commons / BuzzFeed

It’s actually pretty cool when you think about it. So strap on your zorb ball, lie to some tourists, and go and see a terrible Free Fringe show about avocados.