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22 Brutally Honest Confessions From A Massage Therapist

Please stop asking for hand jobs, guys. It's not going to happen.

1. Never, ever call us a "masseuse" or "masseur".

2. We absolutely don't do sex stuff, so stop asking.

So-called "massage" parlours only tend to massage dicks, which gives real massage therapists a bad name. It also means we're always having to deal with guys who expect a hand job during a session. If they ask for a "happy ending", we show them the door.

3. But patients sometimes get a bit "handsy" anyway.

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No matter how clear we are with clients, some still decide to try their luck. Being grabbed, masturbated in front of, or propositioned is something that happens far too often, but we can (and do) blacklist and share details of "bad" clients.

4. We don't care if you haven't shaved.

Women often apologise if they have hairy pits or legs, but it doesn't bother us. We see so many bodies that we tend to be more "natural-minded", meaning we view hair, cellulite, scars, bumps, moles, and birthmarks as normal and unremarkable.

5. Please don't feel self-conscious about your weight.

Starting to think about my massage, always feel self conscious about someone having to rub my fat. Gross.

Every person to us is really a collection of muscles and knots we need to work on. We’re not judging you, we just want to help make your body feel at its best.

6. We're not too bothered by zits, either.

A lot of people cancel appointments if they have "bacne". But that's not really necessary. If your entire back is sore it won't be very comfortable for you, but if it's a normal breakout we can make up a soothing massage oil using tea tree or lavender.

7. People assume it's a very easy job, but it isn't.

8. In fact, we wish we could massage ourselves.

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Our backs, wrists, and shoulders take so much strain that a lot of us end up having to go to sports injury clinics, and some of us develop arthritis. Plenty of us have dislocated our own thumbs or shoulder at some point, which is crazy.

9. It can be emotionally draining as well.

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Some people talk a lot during a massage, and often tell us everything about their lives. And it's not like we can stop listening. We always sympathise and give advice, but we often can't solve our clients' problems, which can be hard.

10. A lot of clients aren't exactly fresh-smelling.

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We know you might feel sore after a run, but please at least shower before coming to get a massage. Or just run a wet wipe over your most sweaty parts, at least. We don't really want to touch someone who's covered in grease or grime.

11. People fart all the time.

Twitter: @AKARicoSmooth

It usually just means they're relaxed. One or two little poots is fine, but it's not cool to thunderously fart for the entire session. Therapy rooms are pretty small, and not always well ventilated.

12. People moan and grunt. And yes, it's awkward.

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Guys, we know we're awesome and do good work, but it's not cool to make really loud sex noises while we're doing our job. We don't come to your place of work and pretend to have an orgasm while you're doing your expenses, do we?

13. Then there are ones who "forget" their wallet.

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Also, guys sometimes get mad and refuse to pay if we don't give them a "happy ending", claiming that's what they thought they were paying for. Sorry, guys, we can (and will) call the police if you won't pay. And tell them you were soliciting too.

14. We have to make sure our nails are super short.

15. A little cut on our hand can ruin our whole week.

16. It's not exactly a stable or reliable job.

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Massage therapists don't tend to make a lot of money, even more so since the 2008 financial crisis, with wages on the decline. People tend to "treat" themselves to a massage, and it's usually the first treat they cut out to save cash.

17. Please just tell us if you don't like something.

So many patients just will not speak up when they need something, or if something is painful to them. Then we ask them at the end if they enjoyed it and they say "no". We're not psychic – you need to give us feedback.

18. Our friends are always mooching for free massages.

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They rarely come out and ask directly; instead they tend to say things like "Oh, my neck is so stiff today" and give us a hopeful look. Guys, would you want to work on your day off? No, neither do we, so maybe just find a spa to go to.

19. And we spend way too much time doing laundry.

20. We sometimes uncover serious health complaints.

21. People who don't relax or sit still drive us crazy.

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You honestly don't need to "help" us by moving around, lifting your arms or legs, or shifting on the table. It just distracts us and means you're not relaxing. Stop it.

22. But at the end of the day, we love what we do.

Twitter: @akneadedrelief

We love our jobs, and we love knowing that we're helping people to relax, work through their issues, improve their general quality of life, and reduce their pain.

We'd really appreciate it if you could stop getting your dicks out, though. Thanks.

This post was compiled with the help of a licensed massage therapist in Scotland with 12 years' experience, and who currently runs their own business.