Aiya NapaNew YorkThe French AlpsScotlandA Caribbean cruiseCanadaDisney WorldAustraliaIreland
Can You Pick The Good Holiday Out Of A Sea Of Shit Ones?
As you get off the plane, you become aware of a menacing chant: "Lads on tour! Lads on tour! Lads on tour! Bants! Lol! Cheeky!" You turn to run, but it's too late. You're trampled by a herd of drunk fuckboys in Ben Sherman T-shirts and spend the rest of your holiday in hospital. Better luck next time.
"Hell's Kitchen? That sounds like a nice neighbourhood," you say to yourself as you book the Airbnb. When you arrive, you're met by a giant, scary man called Mr. Beef who forces you to become a drug mule for his Welsh-Albanian crime gang, The Bääd Boyos. "If only I'd checked the reviews," you sob.
You decide to give skiing a try, but your cable car judders to a halt 12,000 feet above the ground. At first, you keep yourself busy by screaming, crying, and cursing French cable car engineers, but the following 71 hours are pretty dull. Plus, you have no food and have to wee in the corner. Maybe try again?
A day after setting sail on the MV Gigantic Bastard, you and every other passenger contract the worst, messiest bout of norovirus since cruise ship norovirus statistics began. It's literally hell on Earth, plus you forgot to pack your Immodium. Better luck next time.
You step off the plane, start to walk towards the airport terminal and then bam! You're eaten by a pack of bears. Everyone warned you that this would happen if you went to Canada, but you wouldn't listen, would you? Try again.
You arrive in Scotland and are met by a deeply sexy Scottish person of your preferred gender. "Och aye, lassie/laddie (delete as applicable)," they say. "I cannae take my eyes off you." You toast your newfound love with a whisky, look at some UNESCO World Heritage landmarks, do it beside a stone circle, and vow to stay forever.
As soon as you arrive in the Magic Kingdom, Snow White corners you. "Stay out of my territory," she snarls. "But Snow White..." you start to say. "That's Ms. White to you," she replies. "But I prefer Heisenberg." She has you locked in the castle dungeon and forces you to make blue "candy" for her dwarfs. Try again.
Look, it's Australia. What on Earth did you think would happen? Better luck next time.
When you arrive, you discover that the caravan you reserved is already booked, so you have to share it with a riverdancing priest and ten members of his church youth group. But, worst of all, you forgot to pack the Travel Scrabble. Maybe try again?