back to top

Seriously Australia, What The Fuck Is Going On With Your Food?

Marmite with Weetabix? Meat pie pizzas? Are you all pregnant or something?

Posted on

First things first, we have to give you a bit of credit for inventing Tim Tams.

commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons

They're damn good biscuits (although they're not as good as Penguins) and that thing you do where you suck hot chocolate through them? Inspired.

But what the ever-living fuck were you thinking when you decided to spread Marmite on dry Weetabix?

Are you monsters? Weetabix, or Weet-Bix as you call it, tastes like crap mixed with sawdust at the best of times. Putting Marmite on it = a dusty, bitter hate crime.
sanitarium.com.au

Are you monsters? Weetabix, or Weet-Bix as you call it, tastes like crap mixed with sawdust at the best of times. Putting Marmite on it = a dusty, bitter hate crime.

As if that wasn't bad enough, some of you absolute horrors mix Vegemite and strawberry jam.

No, this isn't a piece of used toilet roll, it's a Vegemite, jam, and peanut butter sandwich. Sick bastards. Yes, Vegemite is a bit less potent than Marmite, but still.
instagram.com

No, this isn't a piece of used toilet roll, it's a Vegemite, jam, and peanut butter sandwich. Sick bastards. Yes, Vegemite is a bit less potent than Marmite, but still.

But even that isn't grim enough for you, so you had to invent the pie floater.

It sounds like something you'd leave in the toilet after a heavy night out. Doesn't the meat pie go soggy in the pea soup? Why do you turn it upside down? Did someone hurt you in the past – is this why you do such terrible things?
instagram.com

It sounds like something you'd leave in the toilet after a heavy night out. Doesn't the meat pie go soggy in the pea soup? Why do you turn it upside down? Did someone hurt you in the past – is this why you do such terrible things?

In fact, you've taken your obsession with pies much further than any rational, sane country would ever go.

Yep, that's an Aussie Pizza Hut monstrosity with a crust made from meat pies. I suppose we should be grateful it isn't floating in green goop though.
i.imgur.com

Yep, that's an Aussie Pizza Hut monstrosity with a crust made from meat pies. I suppose we should be grateful it isn't floating in green goop though.

Then there's the equally big issue of the truly fucked-up things you do to your burgers.

For some insane reason, you insist on adding beetroot, egg, and/or pineapple rings to them. You've even forced McDonald's to take part in this degrading practice. For shame, Australia. Everyone knows that the only acceptable burger toppings are cheese, double cheese, bacon, and cheese and bacon.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget fairy bread.

Only the nation that invented the meat pie pizza would think cheap bread coated with butter and hundreds and thousands was a great kids' snack. Hyperactivity much? Your birthday parties must be like something out of Lord of the Flies.
en.wikipedia.org Creative Commons

Only the nation that invented the meat pie pizza would think cheap bread coated with butter and hundreds and thousands was a great kids' snack. Hyperactivity much? Your birthday parties must be like something out of Lord of the Flies.

And the weirdness that is the Bunnings Sausage Sizzle, served on the same shit bread.

First of all: Don't buy fast food from overheated tents in hardware store car parks. Second of all: Open Google. Look up "hot dog buns". You're welcome.

Seriously though, Australia, are you OK?

?!?!?!?!?!?!
reddit.com

?!?!?!?!?!?!

No, really. You don't seem so good.

Argh.
imgur.com

Argh.

Australia, you're clearly very drunk. It's time to go home.

*Pats Australia on back* *Australia throws up a Fairy Bread Beetroot Burger and some Vegemite coffee*
Facebook: Marys-Newtown

*Pats Australia on back*

*Australia throws up a Fairy Bread Beetroot Burger and some Vegemite coffee*