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25 Brutally Honest Confessions From A GP

Please stop putting your dicks in our eyes.

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1. A lot of guys forget to wear underpants to consultations.

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And it always seems to be the ones who insist on taking their trousers off for a knee exam. Just roll up your trouser leg instead: We don't want your dick in our eye.

2. And even more people forget to have a wash.

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Sorry, guys, but just because we're GPs, it doesn't mean we don't have a sense of smell. At least break out the Lynx Africa or something.

3. Although you do get over the grossness after a while.

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The first time you deal with poo or squeeze a bum cyst is always a bit grim, but after a few years in the job it becomes pretty normal, so don't worry about shocking us.

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4. Ten-minute appointments are a nightmare for us too.

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Ten minutes barely covers the time it takes you to walk to our office, take your coat off, and take out your list of problems. Book a double appointment if you have more than one illness you want to discuss. Also walk more quickly. Cheers.

5. It's never OK to show up late.

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A surprising number of patients say things like "I was only 15 minutes late, and you always run late!" Firstly, no we don't. And secondly, if we are running late it's probably because the last patient was 15 minutes late too.

6. And we hate it when you're rude to the receptionist.

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It's even worse when you're arsey to our receptionists but nice as pie to us. We get on well with our team, so we know who you are.

7. We know when you're lying to us.

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We can only help if you tell the truth. There's no point claiming that you've been taking your tablets every day when we know your prescription ran out a month ago.

8. We multiply the number of units you claim to drink a week by about four.

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Look, we're human too and know it's hard to stick to the unit allowance. You can be a bit more honest. Drinking too much is bad for you, though, we're not going to lie.

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9. Though we don't always practice what we preach.

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We don't always eat healthfully, more GPs smoke than you might expect, and we sometimes drink too much. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't take our advice.

10. We get hit on quite a lot.

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Especially when we're younger. The closeness that develops between a doctor and patient can blur the lines, but we're not allowed to have a relationship (or anything else) with a patient, so try not to ask. We'll be in a heap of shit if we do.

11. We get shouted at a lot, too, and it's never fun.

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We can't deal with all problems in 10 minutes. We're sorry if you do have to wait for a while, but please don't come in yelling at us. It just slows things down even more.

12. If you're enough of a dick, we can actually de-register you.

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Which involves asking you to find a new GP. Patients get "fired" for violence, abusing staff, and failing to attend appointments, among other things.

13. Although we're sometimes not that upset when you don't show up.

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When we're running late and rushed off our feet it can sometimes be a relief to have 10 minutes for a cuppa. But only sometimes. Most of the time it's just annoying.

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14. Getting thank-you cards is a real highlight.

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Gifts can be time-consuming as you have to write to say thank you, but cards are sweet. Plus, we can show them to our managers to prove we're doing a good job.

15. The media get on our tits (and lie) a lot.

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Daily Mail: "GPs are the cause of all your misery". Express: "Evil GP misdiagnosed patient." Sun: "Miracle cure now available! Ask your GP." Please just stop.

16. No one gets annoyed that we don't work at weekends.

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Seriously. It's not a thing, so it would be great if politicians would stop claiming it is.

17. We hate daft questions too.

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Not sure what counts as a daft question? They include:"I've eaten too many Easter eggs and now I feel sick," and "I ate a lot of asparagus. Is that why my wee smells of asparagus?" Yes.

18. Writing pointless sick notes to placate your HR team is pretty frustrating.

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Especially if you're clearly not even sick. We can tell, you know. We spent a very long time training to spot sick people.

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19. But that's not nearly as annoying as dealing with people who want notes for a no win, no fee claim.

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It's almost always for a very mild accident and they almost never have any actual symptoms. Sometimes they're not even sure they want to make a claim, they just want to generate a medical record just in case. GTFO.

20. But Dr Google is the biggest pain in the ass of all.

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Tell us what's worrying you and we'll try to help. Tell us you want antibiotics because Google told you that the other GP you saw was wrong about your cold, well... To be honest, we'll still try to help, but we'll be less smiley about it.

21. You don't get special treatment just because you don't visit the surgery often.

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"I'm not one of those people who..." is usually followed by "comes all the time" or "likes to be a nuisance". Maybe so, but you're still not getting Valium or antibiotics.

22. Newsflash: We're not that young.

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"You're a doctor? Oh wow, they get younger every year." Nope, you're just getting older, and we don't like being told we're children after years in medical school.

23. We don't want to diagnose our friends' medical issues.

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Sorry, guys, but if you want advice go to your own GP. Don't bother us on a night out –we have enough to do dealing with our own patients.

24. We (kind of) talk about you behind your back.

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We don't name names, but we will almost always share your weird symptom or bad excuse for having something stuck up your bum with our partner or colleagues.

25. We genuinely love what we do.

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Our job is varied, challenging, weird, and wonderful. It's hard, but we're proud to do it (despite all the eye-level penises).

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