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24 Confessions Scottish People Have For Americans

We've been lying about whisky for years.

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1. Firstly, Scottish men don't all dress like this.

Sadly.
Starz

Sadly.

2. In fact most of us don't own a single piece of tartan clothing.

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And we secretly chuckle when we sell you guys a kilt.

3. And we're not all pale and/or ginger.

Tartan Turban in London! This is Thomas Rattray Tartan from old Sikh Regiment. @PlymouthChaz @Raj_Tigerstyle

Just a friendly reminder: You can be Scottish and non-white.

4. We don't all live in castles either.

The people who live here do, though, obviously.
en.wikipedia.org / Creative Commons

The people who live here do, though, obviously.

5. But we do side-eye your attempts to make fake ones.

Are those concrete turrets? That's not very medieval.
commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons

Are those concrete turrets? That's not very medieval.

6. We absolutely love American food.

geograph.org.uk / Creative Commons

When Scotland's first Krispy Kreme store opened in Edinburgh, people queued for over 2hrs for a precious, precious doughnut. And it was worth it.

7. In fact, Scotland and America are practically food twins.

Flickr: davidberkowitz / Creative Commons
Flickr: botheredbybees / Creative Commons

Deep-fried Twinkies are basically the deep-fried Mars bar's long-lost cousin. And we'd all love to try deep-fried bacon: we'll swap you for some deep-fried pizza. You can keep the deep-fried butter though, cheers.

8. Scotland in summer doesn't actually look like this.

Sorry, we've been lying to you in all of those promotional videos.
Godrick / Getty Images

Sorry, we've been lying to you in all of those promotional videos.

9. This is a little more accurate.

Again, sorry. Bring an umbrella.
commons.wikimedia.org

Again, sorry. Bring an umbrella.

10. It doesn't snow all the time in winter, either.

Flickr: hapwan / Creative Commons
commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons

There's a reason we invented the word driech. And the words "Hurricane Bawbag".

11. It annoys us a bit when you get our geography wrong.

And by "a bit", we mean "a lot". Please note: Scotland is not in Ireland.
buzzfeed.com

And by "a bit", we mean "a lot". Please note: Scotland is not in Ireland.

12. Also, we don't want to hear about your Scottish ancestors.

Giphy / HBO

It's nice that your great-great-great-grandpop was a McTavish from Inverurie, but unless we're related to him it's not that relevant to our lives.

13. We would kill for just one of your theme parks.

en.wikipedia.org / Creative Commons
commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons

M&Ds in Strathclyde doesn't have quite the same appeal as Disney World. That's one castle you actually got right.

14. Your attitude to drinking seriously confuses us.

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We've heard you often stop at the bar for just one beer after work. ONE BEER. Where's your commitment? You should be rolling home at 3am.

15. And while we're on the subject, our beer is much, much better than yours.

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Apart from Tennent's, which basically tastes of soap. It's still way more delicious than Bud Light though.

16. We don't all like whisky.

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But the ones who don't will never admit to outsiders that it tastes a bit like disinfectant. We have a billion-pound export industry to protect.

17. You're not legally obliged to try haggis when you visit.

.@TrimBiggs and I tried haggis and blood pudding on our last day in Edinburgh. Tim described the haggis as "soapy".

We know you can't get it in the U.S., but it's not compulsory. If you think it sounds gross, don't eat it. Don't Instagram it. Just have a sandwich.

18. We love American TV shows and movies.

STV

Scottish TV is a bit... well, let's just say we'd rather be streaming Breaking Bad than watching a repeat of Take The High Road on STV.

19. Some of your Scottish celebs are a bit of a mystery to us though.

Giphy / CBS

We kind of know who Craig Ferguson is, but we don't get The Late Late Show here, so he's not really on our radar. We're pleased he's done well though.

20. And you can keep Sean Connery.

He hasn't lived in Scotland for so long we've basically forgotten about him.
Hector Mata / AFP / Getty Images

He hasn't lived in Scotland for so long we've basically forgotten about him.

21. We're pretty offended by some of your "Scottish" stereotypes.

Giphy / New Line Cinema

Fat Bastard didn't really do very much for Scottish-U.S. relations.

22. But we'll make an exception for Groundskeeper Willie.

Giphy / 20th Century Fox

We not-so-secretly love him.

23. When all's said and done, we're honestly really happy that so many of you love Scotland.

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It makes us feel very warm and fuzzy inside. Even when you inexplicably decide to pair a kilt with a Fonz-style leather jacket.

24. However, you really don't need to shout "FREEEEDOM!" at us all the time.

Giphy / 20th Century Fox

That movie came out twenty years ago. Please update your references.