17 Gifts That You Should Never Give Anyone For The Holidays

Holiday shopping has been going on for a couple weeks, so here’s some tips on what you should NOT be buying for anyone, ever. No, seriously.

1. McDonald’s Drive-Thru Center

This is one way to tell your kid “Hey, you know what’s fun? Being a fry cook at McDonald’s!” Really? Does pretending to sell your imaginary obese friends fast food sound exciting? No, it sounds like a bad set up for a future career.

2. Rock Tumbler

Do you know what this does? It takes rocks and makes them into smoother rocks. So basically, you’re giving someone a rock for the holidays. Gee, thanks.

3. Chia Pet

See, this is the sort of thing you receive from an estranged aunt in the mail. It goes into the garage never to be seen or heard from again. Kind of like your estranged aunt. No one wants their present to be responsibility for tending to a weird looking plant.

4. Sexy Lingerie

Just don’t do this. It’s like saying, “Hey, your underwear isn’t sexy enough, so I bought this gift for myself.” Plus, when you buy something that’s three sizes too small because you don’t know how to shop for women’s underwear, your girlfriend will say you think she’s fat.

5. Minted Collector Coins

With this, you’ll tell your friend/family member that your gift is money you put on display on their dresser. Then they’ll think, well okay, it’s not creative or personal, but at least I can spend it on something I like. Then you’ll have to explain to them that they can’t. Because this money can’t actually be used to buy stuff. But, hey! It’ll look really good on display in the back of their closet.

6. Generic Box Set Cologne

Just because your nephew is now the budding, socially awkward fourteen year old who just started high school doesn’t mean he should smell like the Jersey Shore. Put down that cologne from Walgreens.

7. Hitler Doll

This is a real doll and it shouldn’t be given to anyone, ever.

8. Stripper Pole for Children

You’re walking through the kid’s aisle at your local Walmart. You then see this. If your initial reaction is that your daughter would enjoy it, then we’re calling Child Protective Services right now.

9. Cheap Makeup Kit

So you forgot to buy your niece a present this year. On the way to the family Christmas party you stop by the local CVS to pick something up. And now your niece is going to look like a cheap prostitute.

10. Bath Gift Basket

You know what makes a great gift? Four bottles of bathroom products that all smell exactly the same. That way, your friend can smell like “Christmas Cookies” all year round. But this does come in handy because your friend needs to regift this to their boss for some extra vacation days.

11. Sea Monkeys

Your kid asked for a puppy, but you don’t want to end up taking care of their puppy. So you get them an alternative, which at first seems exciting because it’s a pet and they don’t understand that sea monkeys are not monkeys that live underwater. Imagine their disappointment when they realize their new pet is microscopic brine shrimp.

12. This Upsetting Doll

Whatever this is, don’t get it. I don’t know what it does, or why it exists.

13. Candles

It’s obvious you forgot about this person during the Holiday season when you get them a candle. Unless that person happens to be this kid. Also, great choice on the scent. I’ve always wondered what “white clouds” smelled like. Now I know it smells like dryer sheets.

14. Pee & Poo Stuffed Animals

Here’s a present to give your child if you want them to form an unnatural bond to their bodily functions. I mean, look at those doughy eyes! How can you flush when you’ve got something so adorable staring back at you?

15. Fruit Cake

I think this goes without saying. Nobody likes them, nobody eats them, and they make tacky paperweights. Why people insist on making these regardless is a Christmas mystery

16. Kiddie Tazer

How this become a sellable product, I’m not sure. Unless it’s sponsored by OWS. In that case, for Christmas, prepare your child for the consequences of peaceful protests!

17. The Twilight Series

Because if you’re buying this for someone who hasn’t read Twilight yet, spare them. If you’re buying it for someone who has already read the trilogy, please, don’t enable them.

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