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    Golden Moles: Your New Terrifying Fluffball Overlords

    Golden moles are blind burrowing mammals that live in Africa ... or so they want you to believe. In truth, there's one burrowing through your floor right now. Swear your allegiance to it now, before it's too late!

    They don't even NEED working eyes.

    They eat insect heads like it's no big deal.

    They lure in unsuspecting passerby with their fluffy tummies.

    Human hands actually evolved for the sole purpose of serving as golden mole chariots.

    DEAR GOD

    You can whisper all your secrets into their soft silken fur.

    You don't want to make them angry.

    They can "swim" through sand. And concrete. And souls.

    Their fur is made of bronze, arsenic, and lightning.

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