heatherroseyrosenblum

heatherroseyrosenblum

Recent film graduate, Florida hostage since 2006. I love pop culture and I want to be an auteur of film, which is something fancy I learned in a film class about John Cassavetes. I honestly just want to be a content creator with her finger on the pulse, and a channel to express my life's unique perspective and how it relates to the human condition. The struggle is real. Also Reptilians controlling the human race. That's real, too.

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  • A teddy bear taking a selfie
  • A wooden post sticking out of the grass
  • A rainbow unicorn with an arrow pointing upward for a horn
  • A little cowboy with a big 'number one' hat crying for joy
  • Moses wearing sunglasses holding a list article carved into a tablet
  • Clipboard with a piece of paper on it that says 'do it to em', 'get stuff done', and 'be a legend'
  • The number one hundred thousand under a small green monster
  • The number two hundred and fifty thousand under an alien
  • The number five hundred thousand amongst a forest of eyeballs
  • The number one million on the earth, being watched by a planet sized eyeball
  • A person with their palms facing forward, wearing an uncooked turkey on their head
  • Butterflies flying around a pair of lips
  • A body builder cat flexing with 2022 written across its pecs
  • Snow White smiling serenely while looking at a bird that is perched on her hand
  • The golden snitch flying through the air
  • A green slime splatter
  • K-pop 'finger heart'
  • Funky disco dancer
  • A cat looking startled to see a human dressed as a cat eating from its bowl, labelled "Karen"
  • Two slimy tentacles touching and forming a heart shape
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  • Working With The Tools You Have As A Filmmaker (Or How I Learned To Love Iranian Cinema)

    If you are a young, idealistic indie filmmaker, scraping along, just looking for some angle into getting your work on Funny or Die or win Best Short at the Venice Film Festival, look to the East. More specifically, the Eastern world and cultures. Even more specifically, Iran. Yes, that Iran. No, seriously. Iranian director Jafar Panahi was just another independent film artist, making deeply emotional and provocative films under a very oppressive regime, one of the worst oppressive states in the world. So, what does a government like that do to an artist like Panahi? Well, they arrested him and throw him in jail, of course, for making “propaganda against the regime.” In 2010, he was sentenced to house arrest, awaiting appeals on his six year prison sentence, and a 20 year ban on producing any film of any kind. Now, this is where the average amateur filmmaker can lean in and learn something. What do you think our good friend Jafar Panahi did when he was confined to his apartment, and been banned from making films for two decades? He invested in an iPhone, and he made a film inside his apartment, of course. Rule 1: make sure the lighting is correct. Faces should be front lit, with soft diffused light. Don’t be afraid to move the camera around, and find interesting angles from unusual POVs (where would the cat go?), and finally keep the audio clear and deliberate. The dialogue should be clear, purposeful, and pushing a narrative of the situation. In short: be interesting. No jello-shot slurry babble that melts into everyone else’s incoherent nonsense. Basically, play with the camera (phone), use light in an interesting way, and make sure those that have a speaking role, they have something interesting, introspective, witty, and true. Our stories’ hero Jafar Panahi shot on his iPhone from inside his barricaded apartment, and he smuggled it out of the country on a flash drive stuffed into a wedding cake. That film, perfectly titled This Is Not a Film, make it to the Cannes Film Festival, The New York Film Festival, and the Warsaw International Film Festival. Iran is not a country that makes filmmaking easier; sometimes it can even be dangerous or illegal. But some of the greatest film directors, some of the best actors and some of the most innovative filmmaking techniques come out of this place, with modest tools and little public support inside their country. So nothing is stopping the American film artist from creating wonderful and interesting content that can be creative, provocative, and mostly legal. So get to work.

  • A Bit Of Advice When You Are A New Young Widow (or How To Make Strangers Cry)

    Hi, My name is Heather, and I am a widow. Yes, I'm only 30 years old, and my late husband was a 26 year old college student and resident Car Czar. He was in a car crash on the way to school. Just like that. With the snap of a finger. Your whole identity on a day to day basis is no. longer. fucking. valid. So what does one do when they find themselves literally in the beginning of their real adulthood, and your husband is suddenly gone. Well, after the weeks of endless sobbing and muscle atrophy, you may want to prepare yourself on how your are going to handle that ever so dreadful question..."how do you feel?" Or when you encounter someone from the past, unaware of the new widow status, and then somehow, while playing "20 questions," only need 4 to get you to admit how someone you loved died, all while just trying to pick up a coffee at the fucking gas station. I led two store clerks and a traveling teenage Christian missionary into tears on tears on tears. Listen, civilians, this shit is tough on us widows. In fact, your discomfort when confronted with news of death pails in fucking comparison to how we feel telling that news to people. So ladies, my advice is to avoid these answers at all costs. Neither party will benefit from these revelations. But if they insist, or they're kind of a dick about it, ye...let 'em have it. Embellish all the gory details. Add a police chase maybe, but not to much. Let them know you are in pain, and they should respect that. Most will. But it's also been my experience that a lot don't respect or understand my very personal perspective. People cannot process death normally. At all. We as a species are really bad about it. But we can all help each other on this Earth by making each other feel a little less shitty. When I was with Michael I wasn't even convinced that we would end up somewhere amazing like we'd dreamed, just that we would always be together, I would always be safe and loved most of all by this man. But the only solace comes from a friendly chat in the four hour line waiting to see President Obama speak at a Hillary rally, or when the drive-thru guy's say you look good with a smile. It's these superficial instances of warmth, however brief or irrelevant, are shining reminders that you aren't so alone after all.

  • Lets Celebrate The Shower Beer

    So, in the wake of an Apocalyptic election in which the country may never recover, lets take a minute to celebrate something good about life, and simultaneously offer an everyday medication to relieve some of the stress and panic. A shower beer. If you are a late-20's - early 30's millennial, on the cusp of real coolness, you are probably old enough to have gone through some real life struggles that have stripped you of all your coddled naive idealism, incubated by your parents bailing you out too many times, and you can finally appreciate the virtues of self-medication. But you still have to get up and pay the rent. That's where the morning beer comes in. It 1). hair of the dog, alleviates the hangover from the night before (it's Monday morning); 2). you get that great buzz that comes with your first drink, just enough to make you feel good, and 3). fuck it, beer tastes great after age 24, and you hate your job right now anyway. BuzzFeed never called you back for an interview... thus a crisp lager is my preference. But no matter where you live of what you do, a cool & crisp shower beer is perfect to make you forget that all the dreams you had in high school will never happen, but you could still hook up with that hot bartender...

  • Why The Walking Dead Is Dropping Viewers Like Feathers On A Molting Bird

    I can sum uptake frustrations of a comic book fan generation on one sentence about season 7 of TWD... there isn't enough action. That 90-minute episode, where Negan paraded around, just seems stretched out so much. The show used to be so unpredictable, but now it revels in these talky character-centric episodes that I'm waiting for a bomb to go off or something interesting to happen. I love this show, I have seen every episode...but don't rest on your laurels kids. There aren't enough tits, dick or conflict to keep me interested past the seventh deep conversation about "whether you have what it takes to survive" blah blah blah in between long silences. Meanwhile the Apocalypse slowly crawls on...

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