Quiz

BuzzFeed Staff, UK

BuzzFeed

Which Fictional Serial Killer Should You Date?

POP QUIZ, LIKE THE KIND OF DEALBREAKER YOU MIGHT GET ON SAID DATE WITH A SERIAL KILLER (or John Cusack in _High Fidelity_, same thing).

~RUDE INTERLUDE~

Be honest now.

This quiz is not coming on to you, but:

You're back at his place and the doorknob to his bathroom snaps off.

**PROS:** On a date with Buffalo Bill he'd pick you up in his car so you wouldn't have to faff around with the tube, and he'd probably play some decent (albeit gothy) music on the way. He probably won't try to have sex with you because he’s not into that, but in the unlikely scenario where this happens at least there'll be some after-shower lotion hanging around in the bathroom unlike every other guy's bathroom. He'll appreciate the fact that you're into Kiehl's Creme de Corps more than any other man, and you'll never have to justify the fact that it costs like 30 quid for a bottle. Also, he is completely supportive of your untraditional beauty standards, weight-wise. Has a cute dog that you can Instagram.  

**CONS:** His A-game chat is just self-pity and you probably wouldn't get a dinner out of it. He might stick you down a well and wear your skin like a suit.

Buffalo Bill

**PROS:** He’s totally down with restaurant reservations so you’re not gonna spend an hour waiting outside Five Guys on your date with Patrick Bateman. He also understands that you have a 3-step skincare routine and that these things require time in the bathroom. Plus, he's a pretty snappy dresser for someone who likes Genesis.  
**CONS:** Will be judgey about whatever you choose to wear and if you ask for help choosing will most likely stab you to death. He would probably tell you about the features on his phone for 45 minutes if you ever asked him if he had signal. Would use LinkedIn all the time and actually care about his Klout score. Constantly returning videos before you’ve watched them. Likes to dissect girls.

Patrick Bateman

**PROS:** Francis is so tall that you can wear those heels you only wear when you don’t mind being 6’3. He'll pick you up in his car AND take you on an interesting surprise date, like to see an anaesthetised tiger at the vet or something. If things go as well as they should do after someone takes you to pat a real life actual tiger, you’ll find out that his house is by a picturesque river, ie. you can go for a nice walk in the morning rather than your regular walk of shame past Greggs.  
**CONS:** He’ll make you sit through some family videos and you’ll have to do all the work sex-wise because he’ll be too busy crying. Big clingy. Bit starey. Bit bitey. That tiger though.   
**BONUS PRO TO THE CON:** If he does try to kill you at least you’ll get a hug off 80s William Petersen when he was at his peak on the bangability scale, before he started solving crimes on CSI and shaving his beard into an outline of where a chin should go.

Francis Dollarhyde from Manhunter

**PROS:** Talks in soft, calm voice. Super smart, certainly smart enough to set up the router without chucking a strop. This guy is gonna cook you dinner AND match it with a nice wine, none of that £3.99 shit from Sainsburys with a ready-meal deal.  
**CONS:** His Instagram feed is 100% food, no cats. Likely you will be the dinner and therefore miss out on the dinner.

Hannibal Lecter

**PROS:** Your mum will be into him because he has such a strong, if weird, relationship with his own mother. Date this guy once and tell her about it, maybe she'll stop going on about dating a doctor for the brief period before you die. Plus, y’know, handsome.  
**CONS:** Always knocking on the door when you’re having a shower, wanting to get his toothbrush or whatever. Would like every single thing you do on Facebook no matter the time of day, even after you break-up. Would try to Snapchat you his penis, would end up panicking and just sending blurry photos of his thumb.

Norman Bates

**PROS:** He's persistent and willing to put the time in. Eg. He kept that guy strapped to a bed for WEEKS just to get the job done, and likely he'll do the same to you IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WINKY FACE EMOJI. He’s a bit intense though. Your friends won’t like him.  
**CONS:** He won’t like it if you spend too much time getting ready, or go ahead and order dessert after a giant meal. Plus, his flat is an absolute STATE.

John Doe

PROS: The amount of planning this guy puts into things will ensure that you'd never go on a picnic with him and discover you have only one fork and no bottle opener. Would probably take you to one of those boardgame cafes or something.  
CONS: He’s a bit preachy and manipulative, and his Twitter timeline has zero jokes in it. He’s the guy who starts beef with people who talk about wasting summer days watching Netflix. Arguing with this guy will be unbearable because he’ll never take the blame for anything.

Jigsaw

**PROS:** On a date with Dexter he'd take you to the best Mexican food in London, because that's his vibe. You'll dance and wonder if he realises just how tight his shirts are or if he bought them like that on purpose to show off how buff he is. His chat will be pretty good, apart from when he's monologuing to himself about how innocent you are or having conversations with his long dead father.   
He's good at injecting people in the neck, so his turkey basting skills would be A+, not to mention his icing piping game. He only kills baddies, so as long as you don't get weird you'll make it out of this alive.  
Dexter uses buying people doughnuts to pretend he is normal which is a solution everyone can endorse. If you stay the night he will cook you breakfast in the morning and then clean it up so perfectly you'll not be able to prove in a court of law that breakfast has ever happened. Even if it doesn't work out as a thing you should definitely consider him has a future housemate.   
**CONS:** But he wears a lot of pastel colours so people would think you are dating someone in sales from Clapham. The shame.

Dexter

**PROS:** He understands hair, has a flat right in Central London and understands the importance of dinner so you'll never go hangry. Has a lovely singing voice.   
**CONS:** Probably won't venture far from Fleet Street and will insist on feeding you pies which will really interfere with your MyFitnessPal regime. You can never turn your back on him so those trademark short, weak massages you get off regular boyfriends are out of the question.

Sweeney Todd

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Which Fictional Serial Killer Should You Date?

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