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Which Fictional Serial Killer Should You Date?

(And eventually be killed by?)

Posted on
  1. 1.

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    Taking my make-up off before bed no matter how drunk I am is my only superpower.
    I have three steps and I never deviate.
    I clearly don't care what I look like.
    I fall asleep with a book on my face most nights.
    Whatever the shower does is my skincare routine.
    Vanity is a sin and so is taking ages in the bathroom imo.
    Regular soap is fine by me. We're talking, like, Imperial Leather.
    My routine is so thorough as to be almost medical.
    I barely remember to brush my teeth tbh.
  2. 2.

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    Gender politics and what this guy just said on Twitter, did you SEE it?
    Phil Collins.
    Daenerys Tagaryen and how she's the most interesting bit in Game of Thrones.
    Daenerys Tagaryen and how she's the signal for TEA BREAK in Game of Thrones.
    Taxidermy.
    The stuff that went down in Catholic school. You have no idea.
    Boardgames, video games. I'll probably make you play Cards Against Humanity.
    Sometimes I'm too outraged by the acts of others in Starbucks or whatever to even speak.
    My hair. Because look at it.
  3. 3.

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    I'd like to be blindfolded and surprised.
    A posh restaurant.
    The zoo.
    I want him to cook me dinner.
    To meet his mum.
    Several meaningful places so it'll make a good story later.
    One of those escape room games where we get to solve crimes IRL.
    The beach.
    To see a musical.
  4. 4. POP QUIZ, LIKE THE KIND OF DEALBREAKER YOU MIGHT GET ON SAID DATE WITH A SERIAL KILLER (or John Cusack in High Fidelity, same thing).

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    Rocky I, II, III, Rocky Balboa, IV, V
    Rocky IV. That's the only answer you need.
    Rocky V doesn't exist.
    This line of questioning is wildly irrelevent, did you put this in by accident and are you going to be fired?
    I'm a frankly bizarre human being and have seen no Rocky films. I deserve to be murdered.
    The final one will wear the crown.
    I don't have time to waste on this.
    Can we rank Back To The Futures instead?
    I'd probably sing Eye of the Tiger at karaoke. Beyond that, I really don't care. Next question.
  5. 5. ~RUDE INTERLUDE~

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    ~dress-ups~
    I like to be shouted at while nude. It's a thing.
    Mouth stuff.
    Shower stuff.
    Y'know that scene in The Exorcist?
    I like to be tied up like your mum reading 50 Shades of Grey.
    Top.
    Doggy.
    Normal.
  6. 6. Be honest now.

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    No, and we're definitely getting dessert and no we're not sharing.
    Absolutely. If you don't lift, I'm not having sex with your disgusting body later.
    Sure, but only if he's not doing any of the talking. I babble.
    The library maybe, never the gym.
    I live nowhere near a gym.
    Only if I'm talking about the gross crimes of indecency people commit with the hairdryer.
    Only to see his reaction.
    I'm blatantly mad fit but I don't talk about it.
    I can't work out with hair this great, are you insane?
  7. 7. This quiz is not coming on to you, but:

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    Not much.
    It's like a pantsuit but it's a skirt? Hilary Clinton vibe.
    Any old shit, it doesn't really matter.
    A tracksuit.
    I'm blousey!
    Black.
    Tight jeans with a complicated button-fly that I regret.
    Shorts.
    Lace and velvet all year round.
  8. 8.

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    A photo of him with his dick and balls tucked between his legs so he looks like a lady. I know. I know.
    A suit and a job I don't entirely understand.
    Tattoos.
    Photos of dinner instead of the dude
    Bathroom selfies.
    A well organised theme between the pictures, especially one that would require time to set up.
    Pictures where you're not sure which one is him so you right-swipe just in case.
    A short-sleeved button-down pastel shirt.
    Hella baked goods.
  9. 9. You're back at his place and the doorknob to his bathroom snaps off.

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    Make loud annoying noises until he or his dog notices me.
    Have a long luxurious bath because why not. His flat is amazing.
    Search his cabinet for weird stuff.
    Find out if he's actually putting legit Brylcreem in his hair. I didn't even know they still made that.
    Scream forever.
    Sit patiently.
    Completely overreact and cut off limbs to fit out the tiny bathroom window.
    Crowdsource an escape idea off Twitter.
    Test out if I should get a fringe by doing that thing where I pull hair across my forehead.
  10. 10.

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    Screaming.
    Bloodily.
    Confusedly.
    Quietly.
    With sharp things in my head.
    I want a whole section of Wikipedia devoted to it and I want Twitter to lose its mind.
    In the most amount of pain possible.
    With good reason.
    Dramatically.

Which Fictional Serial Killer Should You Date?

You got: Buffalo Bill

PROS: On a date with Buffalo Bill he'd pick you up in his car so you wouldn't have to faff around with the tube, and he'd probably play some decent (albeit gothy) music on the way. He probably won't try to have sex with you because he’s not into that, but in the unlikely scenario where this happens at least there'll be some after-shower lotion hanging around in the bathroom unlike every other guy's bathroom. He'll appreciate the fact that you're into Kiehl's Creme de Corps more than any other man, and you'll never have to justify the fact that it costs like 30 quid for a bottle. Also, he is completely supportive of your untraditional beauty standards, weight-wise. Has a cute dog that you can Instagram. CONS: His A-game chat is just self-pity and you probably wouldn't get a dinner out of it. He might stick you down a well and wear your skin like a suit.

Buffalo Bill
Silence of the Lambs / Orion Pictures
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You got: Patrick Bateman

PROS: He’s totally down with restaurant reservations so you’re not gonna spend an hour waiting outside Five Guys on your date with Patrick Bateman. He also understands that you have a 3-step skincare routine and that these things require time in the bathroom. Plus, he's a pretty snappy dresser for someone who likes Genesis. CONS: Will be judgey about whatever you choose to wear and if you ask for help choosing will most likely stab you to death. He would probably tell you about the features on his phone for 45 minutes if you ever asked him if he had signal. Would use LinkedIn all the time and actually care about his Klout score. Constantly returning videos before you’ve watched them. Likes to dissect girls.

Patrick Bateman
American Psycho / Edward R. Pressman Film Corporation
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You got: Francis Dollarhyde from Manhunter

PROS: Francis is so tall that you can wear those heels you only wear when you don’t mind being 6’3. He'll pick you up in his car AND take you on an interesting surprise date, like to see an anaesthetised tiger at the vet or something. If things go as well as they should do after someone takes you to pat a real life actual tiger, you’ll find out that his house is by a picturesque river, ie. you can go for a nice walk in the morning rather than your regular walk of shame past Greggs. CONS: He’ll make you sit through some family videos and you’ll have to do all the work sex-wise because he’ll be too busy crying. Big clingy. Bit starey. Bit bitey. That tiger though. BONUS PRO TO THE CON: If he does try to kill you at least you’ll get a hug off 80s William Petersen when he was at his peak on the bangability scale, before he started solving crimes on CSI and shaving his beard into an outline of where a chin should go.

Francis Dollarhyde from Manhunter
Manhunter / De Laurentiis Entertainment Group
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You got: Hannibal Lecter

PROS: Talks in soft, calm voice. Super smart, certainly smart enough to set up the router without chucking a strop. This guy is gonna cook you dinner AND match it with a nice wine, none of that £3.99 shit from Sainsburys with a ready-meal deal. CONS: His Instagram feed is 100% food, no cats. Likely you will be the dinner and therefore miss out on the dinner.

Hannibal Lecter
Silence of the Lambs / Orion Pictures
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You got: Norman Bates

PROS: Your mum will be into him because he has such a strong, if weird, relationship with his own mother. Date this guy once and tell her about it, maybe she'll stop going on about dating a doctor for the brief period before you die. Plus, y’know, handsome. CONS: Always knocking on the door when you’re having a shower, wanting to get his toothbrush or whatever. Would like every single thing you do on Facebook no matter the time of day, even after you break-up. Would try to Snapchat you his penis, would end up panicking and just sending blurry photos of his thumb.

Norman Bates
Psycho / Shamley Productions
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You got: John Doe

PROS: He's persistent and willing to put the time in. Eg. He kept that guy strapped to a bed for WEEKS just to get the job done, and likely he'll do the same to you IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WINKY FACE EMOJI. He’s a bit intense though. Your friends won’t like him. CONS: He won’t like it if you spend too much time getting ready, or go ahead and order dessert after a giant meal. Plus, his flat is an absolute STATE.

John Doe
Se7en / New Line Cinema
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You got: Jigsaw

PROS: The amount of planning this guy puts into things will ensure that you'd never go on a picnic with him and discover you have only one fork and no bottle opener. Would probably take you to one of those boardgame cafes or something. CONS: He’s a bit preachy and manipulative, and his Twitter timeline has zero jokes in it. He’s the guy who starts beef with people who talk about wasting summer days watching Netflix. Arguing with this guy will be unbearable because he’ll never take the blame for anything.

Jigsaw
Saw / Evolution Entertainment
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You got: Dexter

PROS: On a date with Dexter he'd take you to the best Mexican food in London, because that's his vibe. You'll dance and wonder if he realises just how tight his shirts are or if he bought them like that on purpose to show off how buff he is. His chat will be pretty good, apart from when he's monologuing to himself about how innocent you are or having conversations with his long dead father. He's good at injecting people in the neck, so his turkey basting skills would be A+, not to mention his icing piping game. He only kills baddies, so as long as you don't get weird you'll make it out of this alive. Dexter uses buying people doughnuts to pretend he is normal which is a solution everyone can endorse. If you stay the night he will cook you breakfast in the morning and then clean it up so perfectly you'll not be able to prove in a court of law that breakfast has ever happened. Even if it doesn't work out as a thing you should definitely consider him has a future housemate. CONS: But he wears a lot of pastel colours so people would think you are dating someone in sales from Clapham. The shame.

Dexter
Dexter / Showtime
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You got: Sweeney Todd

PROS: He understands hair, has a flat right in Central London and understands the importance of dinner so you'll never go hangry. Has a lovely singing voice. CONS: Probably won't venture far from Fleet Street and will insist on feeding you pies which will really interfere with your MyFitnessPal regime. You can never turn your back on him so those trademark short, weak massages you get off regular boyfriends are out of the question.

Sweeney Todd
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street / Warner Bros.
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