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14 Urns That'll Make You Wish You Were Dead

What a time to be alive/cremated.

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1. A severed head, or "as close as you're gonna get to being a head in a jar on Futurama".

This is an example of the full-size adult urn, weirdly modelled by President Obama on the Cremation Solutions website. All they need to knock up one of these 11" high-tech 3D models of your head is two photographs (one from the front, one from the side) and $2,600.00. Wigs are extra. No refunds.
Cremation Solutions / Via cremationsolutions.com

This is an example of the full-size adult urn, weirdly modelled by President Obama on the Cremation Solutions website. All they need to knock up one of these 11" high-tech 3D models of your head is two photographs (one from the front, one from the side) and $2,600.00. Wigs are extra. No refunds.

2. An actual dildo that your girlfriend or widow can actually use.

Mark Sturkenboom
Mark Sturkenboom

Conceptual artist Mark Sturkenboom's 21 Grams (named after the supposed weight of a human soul) allows your family to keep 21 grams of your ashes inside a blown-glass dildo. According to Sturkenboom, "She is able to have an intimate night with her sweetheart again." That's nice, right? Nice.

3. A ghost urn, in remembrance of what you looked like when changing the duvet cover.

3D artist Anna Marinenko sees no reason why cremation should be a sombre thing. Plus: "Ghost Urns are perhaps the only way to be certain you'll become a ghost after you pass away."
Anna Marinenko / Via behance.net

3D artist Anna Marinenko sees no reason why cremation should be a sombre thing. Plus: "Ghost Urns are perhaps the only way to be certain you'll become a ghost after you pass away."

4. A huggable bear, because just being dead is no reason to miss out on hugs.

Available in brown, white and tan. If something super tragic happens in the family you can get a "Family 3-Pack" for the low, low value price of $99.95. That's basically three for the price of two. Something to think about.
Memorial Gallery / Via funeral-urn.com

Available in brown, white and tan. If something super tragic happens in the family you can get a "Family 3-Pack" for the low, low value price of $99.95. That's basically three for the price of two. Something to think about.

5. An hourglass, because you loved that TV show Days of Our Lives so much.

Like slightly misshapen human dust through the hourglass, so are the imperfectly timed days of our lives. $329.95.
In The Light Urns / Via inthelighturns.com

Like slightly misshapen human dust through the hourglass, so are the imperfectly timed days of our lives. $329.95.

6. A Star Trek urn, with the option to either boldly go or continue your voyage.

$800, and you can probably go into the crematorium wearing your Kirk outfit if you ask real nice.
Star Trek / Eternal Image / Via startrek.com

$800, and you can probably go into the crematorium wearing your Kirk outfit if you ask real nice.

7. A martini glass, for if your family wants to be judgy about your drinking even after you're gone.

JUST LET IT GO. IT'S OVER. Comes with a maple base.
Vintage Coffins / Via vintagecoffins.com

JUST LET IT GO. IT'S OVER. Comes with a maple base.

8. Or a beer bottle, for the same reason.

Satisfaction guaranteed, free shipping, $39.95.
In The Light Urns / Via inthelighturns.com

Satisfaction guaranteed, free shipping, $39.95.

9. Your very own TARDIS now that you can probably travel in time and space, depending on your beliefs.

Suitable as long as you weigh no more than 260lbs at time of death or you'll be like a bit of flat-pack furniture with bits left over. $950.00.
Decorative Urns / Via decorative-urns.com

Suitable as long as you weigh no more than 260lbs at time of death or you'll be like a bit of flat-pack furniture with bits left over. $950.00.

10. A wheelbarrow, such as the kind one might use when wheeling a human body from one place to another in a movie.

That's the connection, right? Drunk or dead, you weigh basically the same. Felt-lined. $1,300.00.
Decorative Urns / Via decorative-urns.com

That's the connection, right? Drunk or dead, you weigh basically the same. Felt-lined. $1,300.00.

11. A frog, because someone you thought you loved thinks you were ugly IRL.

"A whimsical tribute to your frog lover," says the website, having no respect for the hours put into selecting the Instagram filter for the front of the funeral booklet to hide your hideous face. $800.00.
Decorative Urns / Via decorative-urns.com

"A whimsical tribute to your frog lover," says the website, having no respect for the hours put into selecting the Instagram filter for the front of the funeral booklet to hide your hideous face. $800.00.

12. The Willendorf Venus.

Chosen by your sister who always said you looked a bit like it. One final kick before you go. $800.00.
Decorative Urns / Via decorative-urns.com

Chosen by your sister who always said you looked a bit like it. One final kick before you go. $800.00.

13. A bag, because you were an old one? You always had antibacterial hand gel when people needed it? Who knows.

Just hope your mum doesn't accidentally grab this on the way out to the restaurant accidentally, or she'll end up getting you all over her friends when she's furiously insisting on paying for dinner. $995.00.
Une Belle Vie Memorial Urns / Via decorative-urns.com

Just hope your mum doesn't accidentally grab this on the way out to the restaurant accidentally, or she'll end up getting you all over her friends when she's furiously insisting on paying for dinner. $995.00.

14. Or you can be turned into a diamond, presumably not via this method:

Ferris Bueller's Day Off / Paramount Pictures / Via pinterest.com

Prices range from $2,999 to you don't wanna know.

Alternatively, you can be fired into Space far away from anyone's mantelpiece for the starting price of $1,295.