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27 Batshit Lines From Mike Tyson's Autobiography

Boxing, bitches, and babies in Undisputed Truth.

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Mike on being bigger than God:

"It was weird not being the heavyweight champion of the world any longer, but in my mind it was a fluke. I knew that God didn't pick on any small animals, that lightning only struck the biggest animals, that those are the only ones that vex God. Minor animals don't get God upset. God has to keep the big animals in check so they won't get lofty on their thrones. I just lay in bed and thought that I had become so big that God was jealous of me."

"Just to have one year of living Mike Tyson, the champ's life, I would be a bum sucking rat piss in the gutter. Shit, yeah."

Mike on women:

"What am I doing being married with kids? I'm a street dog, I'm not a house dog. If I still thought in my mind that I was this hoe-entangling motherfucker with the big schlong I wouldn't live like this."

"I was once talking to a girl for hours and finally she said, 'Hey, listen, I'm just going to get in this car and come over to your apartment.' In my head I was going, Thank God. Oh, thank God. And I sprayed the deodorant thing even though my house looked good and I got my condoms and some porn movies out. Everything was ready. I was just so happy."

"So I went back to the hotel with four girls. We were getting high on coke and liquor. We were having fun and one of the girls called her mother.
'Ma, I'm here with Mike Tyson!'
She was so excited. She told me her mother was really hot too. But four was enough."

"I also got tons of sympathy pussy. Women would approach me and say, 'Oh, God, I can't believe what the horrible woman did to you. Please let me hold you, let me suck your dick, let me take care of you.' I'd say, 'No, ma'am, that's alright, no. OK, well, just suck it a little, ma'am, not much.'"

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Mike on being your own worst enemy:

"'I think he likes you,' Bobby said. 'If you're not a prick and an asshole, this will go well.' I could tell Bobby was happy for me."

"All of my heroes were truly miserable bastard, and I emulated them my whole career, a hundred percent, but I was never really one of those guys. I wish I was, but I wasn't."

"There was no one more desperate than me on the face of the planet. The only people that could outdo me were pedophiles or pansexuals. Pansexuals were people that could hit a deer, kill it, take it home, and fuck it."

Mike on drugs:

"I wanted to go out and party, so I opened one of my suitcases and saw that my clothes were wrinkled. I panicked. My head started hurting, my heart started racing, and I freaked out. I was high as a kite when I called my butler. 'I NEED SOMEBODY UP HERE TO IRON MY PANTS, NOW!!! NOW, NOW!!!!'"

"I would get so fucked in Phoenix that I would start hallucinating. One time, I was in a car, and my assistant Darryl was driving. We were coming up to one of my friend's houses and I said to Darryl, 'Look! There are all these people outside the house waving at us.' There weren't no people, it was the trees' branches moving from the wind."

Mike on money:

[On his bankruptcy] "Some of the money might have gone to the Unanticipated Consequences of Getting Shitfaced Fund."

"I was a real adaptable kind of guy. I could live in the gutter or in an elevated state. I knew all the hustles and I was gambling with life. Even when I was in the gutter, I still had my $2000 pants and shoes on."

"I was so poor that a guy who had stolen my credit card account number went online to complain that I was so broke he couldn't even pay for dinner with my credit card."

Mike on lawsuits:

"So I picked up the mink coat, pulled down my pants, and wiped my ass with his mink. By now the sun had come up and there were a lot of people going to work and the buses were driving past and the whole club had spilled out onto the sidewalk and everyone was watching me wipe my ass with his coat….

Four months later, Rose filed a $66 million lawsuit against me. He wanted money for attempted assault on him and actual assault on his mink coat."

"But right after I got back, Monica filed for divorce. I guess she had enough of my fooling around, because I sure did a lot of it. Calling to tell her I had AIDS probably didn't help either."

"'He's so gorgeous. He's six weeks old and twelve pounds. He can already sit up! I live for my son.'

A few months after the fight, my buttocks case finally came to a conclusion."

Mike on religion:

"Bottom line, I don't want to go to heaven if it means I'm going to be alone. I'm serious, take me to hell where all my friends are, where the people I knew and respected when I was living are going to be."

"One day I'd be in the sewage with some street hooker trying to get her to have sex without a condom, and the next night I'd be in Bel-Air with my rich friends with a happy face on, celebrating Rosh Hashanah."

"We were created in God's likeness? We can't even think that we're on his level. Is God a pig, a liar, a pervert? That's what we are. We're sex addicts, drug addicts, control freaks, manipulators, and narcissists. If this is what God is, we're fucked."


Every line here is from Mike Tyson's Undisputed Truth. Swear to God.


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