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    9 Simple Ways To Show Your Gay Friend That You Just Aren't Interested

    Being the straight, attractive friend is so hard.

    1. Incessantly talk about how straight you are whenever you hang out.

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    Ask for advice on dating your opposite-sex crushes while aggressively using the most gendered pronouns you can think of.

    2. If you're stuck changing in a confined space, spare your friend of having to look at your body.

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    Your perfectly sculpted body is too much for your friend to bear. Be considerate, get changed in a bathroom or wear your change of clothes underneath what you were originally wearing. This slight discomfort pales in comparison to your friend's obsession.

    3. Introduce your friend as "my gay friend".

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    Your friend will cherish your public display of alliance, while taking the hint that this is the extent of your relationship.

    4. Stop complimenting them.

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    While it might not be entirely necessary to contribute to your friend's self degradation, never tell your friend that they look good. They will think this means you want to raise their beautiful children with them. Avoid compliments unless you are ready for this level of commitment.

    5. Only consume heteronormative media.

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    None of that Brokeback Mountain nonsense.

    6. Don't laugh at their jokes.

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    The gleam in your eyes and the dimple that appears when you laugh will crush your friend's heart into a thousand pieces. Don't make it harder for them than it already is.

    7. Catfish your friend.

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    Create a fictional profile for your friend to date so they remain distracted. Find a picture of someone who shares many of your physical attributes, and maintain the killer personality you hooked them with. Stay aloof but eager, and feel free to play hot-and-cold, this well help you to keep this artificial relationship going indefinitely.

    8. Become repulsive.

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    Step off the pedestal your friend has put you on. Change your appearance and your personality.

    9. Call the cops.

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    Nothing else has worked and your friend clearly won’t see reason. Tell the police that you have a stalker. Seek assistance through the Witness Protection Programme and tell them that your friend is gay. They will immediately know that your friend is in love with you and can corroborate your story when it inevitably lands in court.

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