1.
*accidentally eats fruit seed* Friend: Omg you know it’s gonna grow in your stomach??????? 7 yr old me:
2.
*at a restaurant with a baby* separate checks please
3.
How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with.
4.
me @ $2 sandwich: It’s affordable but is it filling? If it’s filling, will it provide me with enough satisfaction? What is the nutritional value of this...? Maybe I should save my money... me @ $4.75 coffee: mmm cofy
5.
Me: “okay I’m done spending money.” Friend: “wanna go eat?” Me:
6.
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
7.
Sometimes I just look at pictures of the earth from space and I marvel at how beautiful it all is.
8.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread ray: of sun that cooks the bread me: a gal who eats the bread fa: ther also eats the bread so: da bread’s a kind of bread la: vash is another bread tea: a drink. anyway, bread! that will bring us back to dough
9.
Me at Olive Garden looking at the menu knowing damn well I’m getting Chicken Alfredo
10.
hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
11.
I keep subtitles on when watching netflix cause my fatass cant hear whats going on over the munching of snacks
12.
My mom be cutting up fruit & bringing it to me in my room without saying nothing. Thats when it hits me, nobody ever gonna love me this much
13.
Made a sandwich 10 min ago and been looking for it ever since then🤦🏾♂️ I gotta stop smoking😂
14.
Genie: and for your third wish? Me slamming down my fork after finishing my second cheesecake: TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS BUDDY
15.
It’s the remix to ignition
16.
*calls up pizza place* WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING
17.
COOKING HACK: if you put too much water in your rice, toss a few phones in there
18.
Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like "we should pregame this food w more food" and I think that's really beautiful
19.
When there ain't a damn thing I wanna eat in the fridge but I just stare and stare... hoping that something appears
20.
waitress: i’m sorry your food is taking so long! me: *presses forehead against hers* listen to me. i know it’s not your fault. i love you. i am tipping you 80%.
21.
Left hand is steering, the other is gripping your thigh