5 Troubling Symptoms Of "Affluenza"

People forget how stressful it can be on a rich, white, male teenager in America. In the wake of the Ethan Couch verdict, you should know the warning signs of this troubling new affliction... before it's too late.

1. Rhinoplasthma - Breathing issues that can only be corrected with cosmetic surgery

We all know the girl who "had to get surgery" to correct a "breathing issue" but came back with her "most distinctive feature" looking a little less "distinct".

2. Const-Au-Pation - Difficulty having bowel moments in a non-gold toilets

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Once your rear end is used to solid gold's unique characteristics, it can be almost impossible to go back to a plebeian porcelain commode.

3. Avertigo - Loss of brain function caused by trying to avoid looking at homeless people

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Greg Gopman fell victim to this troubling symptom of Affluenza earlier this week, when he called San Francisco's homeless population "trash" and was later forced to delete his Facebook post and-- get this-- apologize. Admitting they are wrong can be very stressful and disorienting to people who suffer from Affluenza, as they are accustomed to always getting their way on everything all the time.

4. Myappia - Eyestrain Caused By Too Many Apps

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When you've got all the money you'll ever need and apps are only a dollar, it's practically impossible to cut yourself off. Before you know it, those app icons have gotten really small and it can be a real pain to find the one you need.

5. "Exhaustion" Exhaustion - Overexposure to Rehab Facilities

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Because let's face it... all those trips back and forth from Malibu can really take their toll on a person.