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The Stages Of Turning 30
Growing up is great. Except when it's not.
Since you were a little kid, your upcoming birthday has been like:
...You overdose on sugar:
Things get kinda awkward at 13:
But then you turn 16 and it's like:
Turning 25, you start to feel a little old:
Then one day you wake up. And it's upon you. You're turning 30...
The first person to call and remind you? Of course...
She lays it on thick with the mom compliments.
Your facial reaction:
Your inner reaction:
You thank her for calling. Then hang up and think, "Thanks for the reminder, b*tch."
To add insult to injury, you have to go to work on your big day. Good thing you've got a plan:
When you walk into the office everyone's like, "HAPPY 30TH!!!!!!"
But you manage to play it cool:
Until they throw you an office party:
In your head you're thinking:
Sadly, you end up being right.
So you run to the coworkers you ACTUALLY like...
They have some good advice.
And tell you they're throwing you a REAL party. Tonight!
"But don't worry," they say, "it'll be be classy."
You know this is absolutely not true.
You FINALLY leave the office for the night.
When you get home you attempt to psych yourself up to party like it's 1999:
You have "a few drinks" to yourself at home...
You put a little Britney on. This is what you feel like:
(This is what you look like.)
By the time you get to the bar:
Your friends are all chanting:
High on life, you channel your 21-year-old self.
You take the shot and put your best face on:
Your guy friends are like:
And then the dreaded moment, someone yells "SPEEEECH!!!" So you go for it...
Which somehow turns into you blaming your friends for throwing you a party, and getting you to an awkward / inappropriate state of drunkedness:
Afterward, you realize you've gone too far. You pull aside your friends and admit:
You try to make excuses.
In your mind it was an Oscar-winning speech.
But apparently you fell short...
Because your friends are like:
So you accept you were wrong.
You go home and repeat the story to your boyfriend.
Luckily he's older than you, and this has already happened to him.
The next day, you decide to give up drinking (until age 40) and do what really makes you happy.
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