King Of The Nursing Home: Thirteen Things For An Epic Retirement

Eventually we’re all going to retire; such a fate is unavoidable. Perhaps we should begin preparation. While I’m not trying to speed up the aging process — or add to the wrinkles on your neck — you need to get ready for an extraordinary retirement. And if you plan to retire in a cozy little old folk’s community, like me, here are some awesome (and fairly legal) things to do:

1. Write a Book

Writing a book demands considerable time and knowledge. Luckily, I’ve always had the knowledge; retirement will afford me the time. Although I can’t say exactly what I’ll write about, which is often the case with us creative geniuses.

2. Start a New Hobby

There’s not a whole lot to say about this one. Basically, I recommend finding a new way to stimulate decaying brain cells.

3. Volunteer to Speak at a Local School or College

If you need an excuse to leave the asylum/nursing home, consider spreading knowledge and experience with the community.

4. Force Your Family to Visit

And make them bring you gifts, like this.

5. Spend Time with Friends

Your days chilling with pals at the “home” should be rather entertaining. It’ll be just like your favorite sports bar. Whoever said people needed alcohol to forget their identity and start verbally assaulting their companions.

6. Remain Active

All kidding aside, really should stay active. It’s called retirement, not death.

7. Be Creative

Being old is strikingly similar to early childhood. Anything you create will be viewed as cute and creative. (Even if it looks like you used your foot as a paint brush.)

8. Join A Band (Or Start It)

To make some serious ruckus — without being reprimanded — start/join a band. Everyone knows you are 100 times cooler if you are old and you can still rock out in a band. In fact, you may make a name for yourself. Leonard Clearwater from the Garden Way Retirement Communities has been in a groovy quartet for 45+ years. This group of communities enjoys the music regularly produced by the quartet.

9. Join a Book Club

Similar to joining a band, you need to maintain a healthy social life during retirement. You can also demonstrate your superior ability to analyze literature and pretend you’re actually intelligent.

10. Design and Make Clothes

Don’t conform to the Norm! Set yourself apart from rest of the crowd: make your own clothes. You’ll start looking like Tom Selleck with a diaper.

11. Watch Your Back

Moving into a senior living facility is like going to war: you’re fighting for food, shelter, and survival. People who work at these places are often crazier than you. In addition to watching your back, you should also wash it. Don’t be the guy who smells like Rosie O’ Donnell’s gym towel.

12. Have a Sandwich Eating Competition

No one expects you to have a huge appetite as a senior citizen, but just imagine the respect you’d get after demolishing a 3 ½ foot long sub with no shame about it. This friendly looking Italian chef is making a sandwich in this community in Pharr, Texas.

This post was written in collaboration with Jeremy Endter.

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